I'm baaaaack.

Woah 2008, you threw me for a loop.

In 2008 I:
-Organized and led my sorority's Rush Week and Pledge retreat.
-Found out I had a Atrial Tachycardia.
-Discovered the joy and happiness in ABC's LOST.
-Fell in love with rain boots.
-To my dismay and disgust, got stuck in Western Civ with the OCBF.
-Learned to forgive and be forgiven.
-Loved being in Western Civ with the OCBF.
-Was put on a 30-day heart monitor. (Shoot.me.in.the.head.)
-Cried in the shower for a hour, crying out to God.
-Voted for Ron Paul in the primary presidential election.
-Met Kelly, my phi lamb little sis.
-Quit Sigma Phi Lambda.
-Bought an iPod Touch.
-Became a vegetarian.
-Quit being a vegetarian for two weeks.
-Fell in love with The O.C.
-Almost got kicked out of my house.
-Had an emotional breakdown.
-Fell in love with Edward and Jasper Cullen. Oh man.
-Had to back out of going to Scotland due to my heart.
-Underwent heart surgery for 8 hours awake.
-Woke up to find out that it was unsuccessful.
-Learning to depend on God for strength because I was completely broken.
-Wrote my own manifesto.
-Had one of the most honest conversations ever with my birthmom. 
-Hated OBU, but returned obediently. 
-Met the roommates from hell.
-Put into the hospital to try new heart medicine.
-Found a good dosage of heart medicine that works.
-Loved and hated Chemistry.
-Celebrated my 20th birthday.
-Learned that Love is a Dance that Surrenders.
-Voted for president for the first time. 
-Discovered I can paint.
-Celebrated Thanksgiving in Branson.
-Met and became extremely fond of a certain man.
-Finished my fifth semester of college.

So looking over it all, 2008 pretty much sucked. It had some amazing moments, but it was one of the roughest years I have ever had. But 2009 has got to be better, right? Right. I'm very ready to close the door on this year and welcome the new one. I guess the thing that sticks out to me with 2008 is that it was full of relationships. New ones, old ones, renewed ones, forgotten ones. I grew up this year, cried this year, and laughed this year.
So here is goodbye to 2008 and hello-you-could-not-have-come-sooner to 2009.

Goodbye for now....

Taking a break to rest....

I need to think through some things, and not channel them through my blog. Too many people are reading for me to do that anymore. Once I get things in perspective I'll be back.
Happy Holidays.

p.s. I'll still be on twitter, so you can follow me there if you wish.

And stay by my side, 'Til morning is nigh...

I have SO many things to do this week it is not even funny. I keep telling myself that I only have a week and a half more. I can make it.
The whole room situation has worked out. I'm so thankful. Three girls are moving in with me next semester, and I get to stay where I am.
This past weekend at home was amazing on so many levels. It was one of my better weekends at home. Sunday night at church God and I had a huge heart to heart and I got back on track with Him. It was also one of the best worship experiences I've had in a long time. I had to ask forgiveness from a lot of people and they were more than happy to do so. After it was all over I was filled with peace, something I haven't felt in a long time.

Help

God, please help me find a way to make this work.

I received an email from my housing director and he said I have to find three roommates by the end of the semester or I have to move out of my apartment. I'm so frustrated and upset. I honestly hate OBU. I still have a hard time understanding why God wants me here.
My options are:
1. Find three roommates in two weeks.
2. Move out and have nowhere to go.
3. Beg these three nasty party girls who live two doors down and ask if I can live with them. (One, by the way, is a lesbian and I am pretty sure she has a crush on me.)

I am so stressed, I just don't know what to do. Its frustrating as well because I know two of my roommates are lying to OBU and are moving off campus and are not 21. So because of their deception I am suffering the consequences. It doesn't seem fair.

God, if this is where you want me, then why are you making it so hard??

El Roi

You are El Roi, the God who sees.

The LORD looks down from heaven;
he sees all humankind.
From where he sits enthroned he watches
all the inhabitants of the earth-
he who fashions the hearts of them all,
and observes all their deeds....
Truly the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast lone,
to deliver their soul from death,
and to keep them alive in famine.
-Psalm 33:13-15, 18-19

You see me and know my thoughts. You take delight in what you have made. There is not one second where I am alone. I should have no fear of the darkness of the night, because you are with me. You see when I am accused wrongly, you see the good deeds I do in secret. You watch me, yearning to strengthen me. You want nothing but good for me. Why did I ever question that? There is nothing you do not see. You saw your son be nailed to the cross, and you saw a young Cambodian girl huddled on the brothel floor, calling out your name. You see when my hearts so badly I feel it could break, and you see when I am overcome with joy. I am never far from your thoughts. How thankful I am for a God who lovingly watches over me. Please teach me to see with your eyes, to grieve for what you grieve, to love how you love.

Now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab

Oh Thanksgiving, you were amazing.....

Now back to the daily monotonous routine of school, work, papers, tests, whatever. Only 17 more days of school, not that I am counting or anything.
I bought new music via Itunes and am loving it. "California" and "Seventeen Forever" by Metro Station and Debussy's "Clair de Lune" are my favorites.

I am looking forward to this break. I feel like something exciting will happen. I could use some excitement.

Google: 12 Irish Tenors

This week I am spending Thanksgiving with my family and grandparents at a resort in the hills of Branson, Missouri. The resort is truly beautiful, as well as the time that has been spent here. Despite my grandfather's terrible and rude remarks towards, well, everyone, it has been a good trip. My brother and I have been able to spend some much needed quality time with my parents. Last night we played 3 rounds of Apples to Apples and all ended up laughing till we cried. I've missed moments like that.

This morning I crawled in bed with my mom and visited with her. We talked about submission in marriage and how hard that will be for me. I want my husband to be the head of the household and to lead our family. When people walk into our house, I want them to know that he is the leader. But, I am a very indpendent and strong willed person, and taming that has to begin now. I am growing and learning to be the wife that God wants me to be. I told her that I feel like I'm getting closer to meeting my husband, and she agreed. I know in my heart that it is all very near. But through all this; the conversations, the prayers, I always hear deep in my heart, patience my dear, patience. So I'm patient, and perfectly happy being that way.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Holy cow, I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. I guess I been in a writing slump lately. I have quite a bit that I could write about, but it really isn't anything that I want the whole world to read.

Life has been.....rewarding. My focus has been less on myself and more on relationships. Its been a struggle, but an amazing one.

I've also discovered that I can paint. Me? Paint? Yeah. Never saw that one coming. My roommate is an artist and an art major, so she paints quite a bit and it inspired me to try. I came home last weekend and started a painting and my whole family was all what are you doing? Acting like I had been painting for years, I was like, I'm painting, duh.

We are leaving for OKC today to have Thanksgiving with friends, then we are headed to Branson on Friday.

Hebrews 11:1 with Elohim in Hebrew.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

I've also found a pretty amazing boy. Now all I have to do is get him to realize what a great catch I am and we will all be happy. :)

So Happy Thanksgiving to all my sweet friends and readers. I hope you have a safe, wonderful, and blessed holiday!

Hey there spine, where have you been?

OH MY FREAKING GOSH.

I just had a whirlwind of emotions happen within the past 30 minutes.

Standing in the living room hearing my two roommates talk bad about me in the kitchen for 5 minutes straight.

Leaving the apartment and slamming the door on the way out.

Crying in my car, feeling hurt, angry, and alone.

Calling my mom, talking it out.

Going inside, no tears, only anger.

Washing the dishes, listening to roommate #1 apologize and butt kiss for five minutes.

Digging my spine out of the closet and dusting it off.

Going into roommate #2's room and telling her how I felt. Words were exchanged, mostly on my part. She just stood there like a deer in headlights. I was so tired of the crap she had been pulling all semester. I called her a name that I won't mention here, because it would cause my blog to become not family friendly.

Oh man, it feels good to have my spine back in place.

~
Edit: Okay so I do realize that this was probably not the best way to express my feelings, but I am still proud reguardless.

Edit 2: AND, we are going to ignore the fact that I have a Counseling major and actually have the skills to correctly solve problems like this. 

I've got greenbean casserole cooking in the oven for dinner....

I called my mom this afternoon, she is baking pies for the Thanksgiving dinner that we have with the Retirement Village every year. I like how they refer to it as a village rather than a home. I suppose it sounds less depressing that way.

I really want to write, but everything I come up with sounds lame and uninteresting.

Blah.

Elohim

You are Elohim. You are Creator. Imaginative beyond compare. You taught me to see the beauty in the small things this week. You are a God of infinite beauty, but take pleasure in making the smallest things beautiful.

The changing colors in a sunset.
A hug from a little girl who has captured my heart.
The peace that comes with Christmas.
The love I recieve from my parents.
The way my heart beats when I think of the potential future.

You love beauty that changes. You love the change you see in me. Although you are a God of change, you are not unchanging. Some days my world can turn upside down where you are my only constant. Some days my mood changes with the wind. But you are not like that at all. Your love for me is unchanging. No matter how I mess up you still love me the same. Oh how I love your nature! You yourself are beautiful and I love seeing and learning more and more of it.

Current Loves

• Romeo and Juliet (the Claire Danes one)
• My Super Hopeless Romance
• Looking at clothes online from Eddie Bauer and Lane Bryant 
• Finishing my projects early. 
• A pedicure and a pretty new red color on my toes
• A new winter hat
• Being completely loved with no strings attached 
• Chilly days and Christmas music
• The Harvest Banquet tomorrow night
• Figuring out the next few years of my life
• Snuggling 
• A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 
• Twisted Peppermint Body Spray and Lotion 
  

It was that or chi-chis

(After my mom's mamogram and biopsy came back clear.)


Me: Mom, will you wake me up in the morning for church?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Will you wake me up sweetly??
Mom: No.
Me: Pleassssseeee??
Mom: No.
Me: You would think you would see the world a little bit brighter now that you know you don't have cancer in your ta-tas.
Mom: You're right. Because me not having breast cancer has everything to do with waking you up in the morning.
Me: It so does.

L-O-V-E

I love being at home.

The End.


p.s. Family Game Night?? I dominated.

Its Over.

Congratulations Senator Obama. I pray that you lead our country well.

I did, did you?

This week I got to be apart of something bigger than myself. I was free to make a choice for my future, my country, my life. For the longest time I was rather apathetic about voting, since neither candidates impressed me. But after I walked out of the voting booth on Friday, I felt amazing. I felt responsible for the outcome of my country's future. I was proud of myself for making an educated decision about the candidate that I voted for. I voted because I thought He would be the one that would defend my rights as an American to the best of his abilities. It bothers me when people say that a vote for Obama is a vote against Christians. I could care less who you voted for, that is between you and God. The only thing I care about is that you voted. In some countries people are not able to freely choose their leader. They don't have a voice, but I do, so why waste it?

So I ask, what do YOU vote for?

Brownies and Such

Papers are due, but I'm not doing them. Truly, I don't want to write about the effects of a child growing up with a depressed parent. Why couldn't I have been given the child growing up overweight?? Now that I could have related to. So now, instead of writing, I'm making brownies. :)

This whole time change thing has messed up my internal clock. I was all ready for bed at seven like a grandma. This semester is truly starting to get to me. I need to hold tightly to my motivation and not let go.

I bought a grape soda at Walmart today, as a special treat. Much to my disappointment, it was flat and tasted like cough syrup.

I go back to the cardiologist for a check-up this Friday. How are you feeling lately Addison? Crappy and bloated, thank you. Its funny when I go in, because my whole family goes with me. Mom, Dad, Eli; everybody. I sometimes am sure the doctor must think we are one of those weird cult-like religions. But they all go, which I am thankful for. My mom goes because she always goes to appointments with me. My dad is the voice of reason in our family, and tends to ask questions my mom and I would never think to ask. Eli, he just tags along because he's homeschooled and has no where else to go. I hate it when he goes though. He always gets this air about him and walks around like he knows everything because he used to have the same heart condition. I'm all "whatever, you were two when you had your surgery". It still never ceases to change though.

My mom met this man at church on Sunday morning, a new teacher at the high school and a supporter of our campus. Apparently he is to be my future husband. She invited him over for dinner Tuesday night. Thank God I'm not going to be there. My life is already awkward enough. She said God told her to invite him, so I can't argue with that.

Beauty and the Beast Eli

My mom put a TV in my bedroom at home, so Eli and I are watching Beauty and the Beast, much to his disgust. No one dies, and nothing blows up in the first 15 minutes, so its not his thing.


Me: So Eli, would you ever want to be someone's Prince Charming?

Eli: Maybe, but I'm not going to do that riding on a white horse thing. And I'm NOT going to sweep some random person off their feet. That's weird.


Oh Eli, a true romantic at heart. :)

I hate dirty children.

(Going from left to right, top to bottom.)
Picture 1. I don't understand this.

Picture 2. Oh heck, I really don't understand this.

Picture 3. Why the heck did I ever sign up for Chemistry. I am going to fail my test tomorrow, which will cause me to fail the class. If I fail the class my GPA will drop and I will lose my scholarships. If that happens then I will have to drop out of school and get a job at a nasty trucker gas station. I will therefore have no future and end up marrying some guy named Larry who has a blue collar job and no morals. We will have to live in a trailer because we make no money. Knowing my luck we will have ten kids too, and I won't be able to keep up with them all so they will go to school with runny noses, dirty faces, and bologna sandwich lunches. And then their runny noses will turn into bad colds and I will have to take them to the doctor on Obama's crap healthcare plan, which means we will be herded through the doctor's office like cattle because we will be too poor to have private insurance. The highlight of my day will be the nightly lotto numbers because we might win this time.

Picture 4. Crap you Chemistry, crap you.

• Up: Trying to be the bigger person.

• Up: I'm voting tomorrow. I am so ready for the election to be over. Words cannot describe.

• Down: People, as much as I dislike Obama, I do not believe he is the antichrist, and neither should you. That's stupid.

• Up: I started a site meter and was surprised at how many site hits I am getting a day.

• Up: I had an amazing weekend with my mom and her friends. It was nice to be drama-free for a weekend.

• Down: I tend to gravitate towards unhealthy friendships for some reason. I hate that.

• Down: The freaking sugar gliders are not gone yet. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Oh man, oh man.

Oh my goodness, holy crap, I could pee my pants, etc. Today was one of the most amazing days of my life. And to think that I was so close to skipping church, but I didn't.
I was meant to be at church this morning.
I was meant to sit in the second row.
I was meant to hear the sermon.
I was meant to hear God's voice.
I was meant to hear the new calling on my life.
God has totally thrown me for a loop and I am left completely shocked and amazed.
But excited, so, so, excited.
The edges are fuzzy and not everything is clear.
Because it is so radical I have only shared it with my parents and the journal to my future husband.
Until I make sure this is completely my calling (which I am pretty sure it is), I am keeping it private. But when I feel completely comfortable, it well definitely be shared here.
Until then I ask for your prayers. Prayers for guidance, wisdom, clarity and anything else you can think of.

p.s. I updated my 365 set on flickr.

The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.

Oh man. It started Sunday when the best friend handed me a book and said, "you have to read this". I knew of the movie, but had never seen it. I thought it looked lame. But, since she usually has great taste in books, I figured I'd give it a shot. I just finished the last page. It was amazing.
The End.

~

Fall Break starts tomorrow. Words cannot express how freaking excited I am about going home. I haven't been home in three weeks, even though it feels like years. I am almost packed, and a playlist for my ipod has been created to listen to on the trip home. I have to admit, my language has gotten a little shady lately so I am pretty nervous about dropping a word or two in front of my family. Because that would go over so well. :) But other than that things should go well. I get to snuggle with my sweet baby Dyson, and I will be making a roadtrip to Texas. :)

Ireland, I'm coming home!

This weekend was lovely, for so many reasons. Pictures are on facebook, so you should go take a look.

I love life.

oh heck, I brought the comments back too. :)

Six Little Knows Facts About Me

I was tagged by Jennifer.

1. I constantly play with my hair. I usually don't realize that I do it, and it drives my mom crazy. I think that there is something about twirling it around my fingers that brings comfort to me.
   
2. I make faces at truckers on the highway. I figure that their job is pretty dull and monotonous as it is, so I take it upon myself to add a little interestingness to their day. 
3.  I am 20 years old and I still refuse to blow my nose when I have a cold. 
4. I am a HUGE napper. I love naps. They are the most amazing thing in the entire world. 
5. Someday, I am going to have a small dog and his name will be Pancakes.
6. I want to live in the south of France someday with my husband and kids.

I going to the mountains this weekend with a group of friends. Its going to be so much fun. I've also found a church that I LOVE after being without one for three years. I'll blog more about it later. 

Kiki the Demon Glider

Kiki the Demon Glider

She may look sweet an innocent to you, but the truth is that this was satan's second choice of animal to use to tempt Eve.

My roommate is gone for the night and being the nice, kind person that I am, agreed to freed her two baby sugar gliders their evening meal. I knew they were babies and needed a lot of human interaction, so I decided to hand feed them like I have seen my roommate do dozens of times. No big deal, right?
I carefully offer these two greedy beasts some strawberries and they climb over to my hand and begin to nibble. Kiki, the one pictured above, got a little too excited and FREAKING BIT MY HAND. In response I jumped, and shouted several colorful words. Strawberries and sugar gliders went flying everywhere. After it was over she came crawling out with such confidence it was annoying. I stared down her beady little eyes for several minutes until I realized how stupid it is that I was fighting with an animal the size of a baseball.
I left the rest of the food in there for them to eat on their own, with the hope that they choke on it in the middle of the night. I probably have rabies now too.

Dogs don't do this kind of crap.

My Friends....

Today I worked as a TA for the Education professor that I've worked for the past few years. She had me organize the education office, a job that I have been doing for the past few weeks. The things she no longer needed were put in a trash bag and were carried out to her car. She handed me her keys, told me what she drove, and where she parked. I then found myself staring at her bright, shiny, red Rendezvous. I stood there with a thousand thoughts swirling in my head. I had her keys. I could totally jack the car, drive to Mexico to sell its parts, use the money to buy a fake passport, move to France, and marry a man named Joaquin. It was so on. Then I realized that grand theft auto probably would not look great on a medical school application, so I put the trash bag in her car and went back inside.

YEAHHHHHH

In between twittering, eating a leftover taco, and catching up on my favorite blogs, I realized it has been forever and a day since I have written here. I feel like an explantion is necessary, not really for anyone else's benefit, but more for my own. To be quite honest though, I really haven't felt like there has been anything worthy of writing about. Life has been pretty mundane lately.
My heart medicine seems to be invading my system properly and control the beats of my heart. My heifer roommates and their wannabe Hollywood friends don't seem to understand the crap that my body delves out, and how tired it makes me. They just look at me funny when I say I don't feel well. I think they are also jealous of my stunning beauty and are always wondering how I look like a hottie when I roll out of bed in the mornings. Yeah, that is totally why.

Friends are coming and going these past few weeks. I've been pretty blunt lately to some, but it was necessary, although possibly harsh. Quite a few of my school friends have also gotten engaged. Lovely for them, but it is crap when you are single. I say that but I am nowhere ready for a relationship, and happy with that fact. I wrote a pretty angsty entry in my journal to my future husband. I expressed my frustration because he is NOT here and I don't see him ANYWHERE. But even as I wrote that I knew I was wrong. He is exactly where he is supposed to be, and he will show up at the perfect time. He may not show up for another 8 years, but that is okay. Because he is going to be passioniately in love with me, hot, love the Lord, and ridiculously funny, so I am content to wait. Besides, he probably hasn't finished his Masters Degree on how to deal with me when I am moody. :)

I'm also counting down the days till my roommates move out. We get along fine, they are just annoying as all get out. I could post all the things that irratate me about them, or write an angry pop song about it, but I am going to do neither. Instead, all I am going to say is WHO TURNS THE AIR UP TO FREAKING 80 DEGREES??????? Ahem, I'm done. :)
You would think that I would have lost tons of pounds sweating in my rainforest of an apartment, but no. Instead, my oh so lovely heart medicine has caused me to gain 7 flipping pounds of water weight in a week. Can we say beached whale?? There are some days my hands are so swolen my purity ring won't come off so I can't be a skank even if I wanted to (which I'm not).

Oh, and I no longer have a birthfather apparently. Not that I ever really had one in the first place. Apparently he didn't realize that his sperm created a demanding girl, who, perish the thought, wants a relationship with him. I know, I know, I am a terrible person for even asking it. He got officially demoted to sperm donor and is not worth talking about. Pig. Man. Jerk. Anyway.......

So needless to say, this past week was rough. It was one of those weeks where you want to run outside and scream a string of words that would make your grandma blush. Yeah, it was that bad.
But in the process I still laughed, had amazing dance parties, and ate cereal, which made life all the more sweeter.

Before the beginning of time, I knew you. I knew what color your eyes would be and I could hear the sound of your laughter. Like a proud Father who carries a picture of his daughter, I carried you in My eyes, for you were made in my image. Before the beginning of time, I chose you. I spoke your name into the heavens and I smiled as its melody resounded off the walls of My heart.

You are mine. My love for you extends farther than the stars in the sky and deeper than any ocean. You are my pearl of great price, the one for whom I gave everything. I cradle you in the palm of my hand. I love you even in the face of your failure. Nothing you can say or do can stop Me from loving you. I am relentless in My pursuit of you. Run from Me- I will love you. Spurn Me- I will love you. Reject yourself- I will love you. You see, My love for you was slain before the foundations of the world and I have never regretted the sacrifice I made for you at Calvary.

When I see every part of you are, I marveled at the work of My hands, for I whispered words of longing and desire and you came into existence. You are beautiful and I take pleasure in you- heart, mind, and body. You are my desire. When you turn your head in shame and despise what I have made, I still reach for you with gentle passion. You are my beloved and I am yours.

Love,
Your Heavenly Father

Things are starting to look a little better. I went and talked to the school therapist today, and she had a lot of ideas that could help me reduce my stress. My cardiologist is also cutting down the level of my dose of heart med.
In other news I decided to start a photography project called 365. Its where you take one picture of yourself everyday for a year. Yes, I do see the shameless vanity in it, but hey, it will be fun. You can check it out over here. 

I'm about to reach my breaking point. (In a totally non-suicidal way)
My health is getting the better of me and I want to crawl under a table and cry. I called my mom bawling tonight because the side effects of my new heart medicine are awful and making me physically sick. I wish I could just take a break from school, but I can't because of my school loans and health insurance. This whole heart thing is getting so old. I just want a new body, is that too much to ask? I don't even remember what feeling well feels like.
School and EMT-B is overloading me and I don't have time to not feel well. I barely have time to even breathe. Something has got to give, I'm just not sure what.


I am so, so tired.


Note: After 4 advil, 3 chocolate chip cookies, 2 phone calls to my mom, a bubble bath, and watching this video, things are a little better. Life is hard, but sometimes, you can make it better by finding good in the small things.


Warning: it has a little language, but if you can get past it, its pretty funny.

Some final thoughts before I turn myself over to my captives....

Yes, I am making this seem a lot worse than it actually is. I guess I am just not that thrilled about going back because I had a less than stellar experience last time.

But oh.....Heroes, Grey's and The Office all came back on this week, which made my week so much better.

Shoot, our economy may be going to hell in a hand basket, but what is that compared to Jim and Pam? :)

l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux

Friday through Sunday (hopefully), I will be a princess, locked away in the Cardiology tower of Children's Hospital. I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but hopefully it will produce results. Surprisingly, everything is turning out smoothly. My professor's have been nothing but helpful which is a huge relief, and my roomies said they would come visit too.


A friend lent me her copy of The Little Prince or, in its original format, Le Petit Prince. I now love the book and I know there will be a copy on my children's bookshelves.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;  what is essential is invisible to the eye"

Step Five: Die Slowly

I promise I haven't forgotten you blog. You have just become number 5,602 on my priority list.


I was lucky enough to have a three day weekend this past weekend. It was loverly. Saturday was shopping for the upcoming OBHG Style Show. I showed up with the intention to keep sweet Dyson occupied while Destiny and the others shopped, but as it turns out my help was needed. While shopping, each girl is paired with an adult shopper to keep track of the clothes, the budget, and everything else. Apparently there was a shortage of shoppers so I was paired up with a girl. I'm not going to lie, it felt pretty good to be considered an adult, but the downside was I had no clue what the heck I was doing, and totally felt like a fish out of water. Luckily I was paired with a sweet 16-year old who was completely patient with me while I kept track of the budget and helped her pick out clothes. Unlike most girls, she was pretty easy to shop for. The only colors she cared for were silver, black, and white. Her decision making skills were superb as well. Every item I held up was given a "that's hot" or a "that's so not hot" rating. I did really well up until I made the mistake of holding up a cute polka dot skirt to which I got a "I so don't do circles". I quickly learned from my mistake.

Did I mention that JC Penny, Maurices, and Goody's also gave everyone a 20% discount on every item bought?? After it was over Ray and I so got our shopping on and went crazy. I got some clothes that may not be 'hot', but I like them, so its good.

If I make it through this week, it will be a miracle I tell you. School has my plate more than filled and is actually spilling over. My mom checks in on my every few hours to make sure I haven't died due to stress. Marrying rich and learning to love him is looking more appealing as the days pass. Really.

My mom is also making me take my blood sugar twice a day now. Since she attended her diabetic educational classes, she is all into healthy eating and lifestyle. I swear, she is like the Yoda of diabetes now; crossed legs and everything. I don't mind knowing my blood sugar, but I have to stick my finger every time I do it, which causes me to dance and flinch like a little baby. It is not so bad when I don't know it is coming, but trying to catch yourself by surprise has proved to be quite difficult. Its so ridiculous I'm starting to get on my own nerves.

To top off my marvelous week,  someone hacked into my youtube account and made me a Demi Lavato fan, and apparently wrote all over her page using my screen name. Now I have gotten ten emailes over the past week from all her little 12-year old fans expressing to me their joy and happiness that I am part of Team Demi, and informing me how I can write to different talk shows asking them to please put her on their show. Shoot me, please.

p.s. I'm turning my comments off. Its lame only getting one or two comments a post when I know I have a lot more readers than that. If you want to comment, shoot me an email.  Emails make me a happy girl. I put up a contact sidebar section too.

Whew, life has been busy, but a good busy. I've been giving every spare time studying chemistry and it seems to be coming together.
I made a full lap around campus on my bike. I about died but I was so proud that I made it.

I've been in a writing lull lately. I don't really like writing about how I went to the grocery store or got a letter in the mail, but that is all that seems to come out these days.

Lord, please let me make sense of these beautiful equations. I want to be a rockstar on my Chemistry test, but it is so terribly hard. Please help me be a good steward of my time, and help me learn to focus.

You also know the deeper concerns of my heart. I don't have to voice them here. I place it in your hands. I can only do so much, and you can take care of it completely.


Thank you, thank you, thank you for carrying me through this entire week. I am so amazed at how you worked everything out so simply.

Thank You

God, thank you for meeting my every need this week. You totally blew me away and left me amazed.

Birthday pictures are here.



Prayers would be appreiciated so much right now. School is getting the better of me lately.

Birthydayness

 

I am 20 now. It feels so weird to say that. I don't feel like I should be twenty. My family came up for my birthday and we went to the city and played. (I'll post pictures tomorrow, I'm too tired now.) I didn't really know what I wanted for my birthday, so my parents gave me money instead. So tonight I went with Melissa and I got a bike! It is a Schwinn Comfort and it is amazing. I'm so excited. 

I'll try and post pictures when I get a break. Tomorrow is going to be insane. I have class, work, class, then a forty-five minute break for dinner, then class till 10 tomorrow night. 

It was an amazing birthday and I loved every minute of it. 

Now, I'm going to bed, I am so tired.

Tonight is my very last night as a teenager. How will I be spending it??


In a four hour class.

Gah.

I was talking with a friend tonight about how nice it would be to have a bike to get around campus with. Now, this whole bike business is a risky thing, because there are not a whole lot of bikers in the OBU community. But to me it would be a good investment because my apartment complex sits a good half mile from where all my classes are. Lately I have been driving because of the heat, but when I cools down I would like to save on gas and either walk or bike to class. Its been years since I have had a bike so I have been looking at new ones. I don't want one that is large and clunky, but I don't want it to be sporty either. After looking at many I found the perfect one. It is an Electra Amsterdam Classic 3. It is pretty, functional, and only weighs 35 pounds. Also, it has a skirt guard which helps because I haven't worn pants to class in over a month. The price? It ranges from $500-600. A steep price but if I save for a few months, its doable.

η αγάπη είναι ένας χορός της παράδοσης

For years I have struggled with my relationship with Christ. I struggled with the rules, and if I failed (which happened often), I quit. Looking back it all seems so silly now. Looking back I see where I bought into all the lies. I've viewed God as a dictator, not a lover. I would strive to give Him my life, to completely surrender. But as I surrendered I floundered under expectations, rules, and guidelines. I could never seem to be able to read my Bible and pray consistently. This made me feel like a failure, so I quit.
 I shared with my mom what was going on in my heart. The words came surprisingly easily; I am worn out with everything that is Christianity. I feel like I am living by a set of rules that I cannot measure up to. Later on I had dinner with a dear woman at a restaurant and unexpectedly let out everything that was going on in my heart. I was so worn out and was desperately seeking answers, and I found them.
God dosen't want my rules, my expectations, my guidelines. He was never the one that set them, I was. Love isn't about making sure you read 12.5 passages of scripture a day and pray for at least five minutes in the morning and at mealtimes. If I obeyed these rules then I was able to receive love.

Love isn't a nine to five relationship.

To me, Love is a dance, a dance that surrenders.  (Woah, the lights totally brightened when I typed that sentence. No joke.)

Its a constant flow in and through my life. I always saw my relationship with Christ as me carrying Him on my shoulders. But now I see it as my hands in His, letting Him lead my dance. Love has expectancy, but not expectations. God knows the mistakes I will make and He still is in this dance, so why do I beat myself up when I fall? I don't know all the steps in this dance, and that is why He leads. He knows the steps, the turns, and the dips. By my letting Him lead, I am trusting; I am surrendering. Surrender seems to be such a less scarier word when seen with love.

God dosen't want structure, He wants me.

Tag!

i am: listening to my itunes library
i think: I might take my contacts out
i know: that Chemistry is hard
i want: for it to be monday
i have: a party in my tummy
i wish: that my apartment wouldn't be so dang hot
i hate: my lack of endurance
i miss: sweet Dyson
i fear: drowning and being alone forever
i feel: happy
i hear: my roomie watching a movie
i smell: my febreeze air freshener
i crave: chocolate and caffeine (its that time)
i search: for the truth in everything
i wonder: if I will ever reach my goals
i regret: choices in my past
i love: thunderstorms and snuggling
i ache: for people that are hurting
i care: very little about what people think of me
i always: play with my hair
i am not: going to bed anytime soon
i believe: that I will have a good birthday this year
i dance: quite often when I am alone
i sing: to my brother
i don't always: think before I speak
i fight: taking my medicine
i write: because it helps me process my thoughts
i win: random free drinks from those pop bottle caps
i lose: random stuff
i never: gone to a public school
i confuse: myself
i listen: because I am socially awkward
i can usually be found: reading
i am scared: that my heart will never be fixed
i need: to hear I affirmation quite often
i am happy about: this next week. 






I tag, Melissa, Elizabeth, and whoever else reads this.

Watch out world, because we Oklahomans now have the world's gayest NBA team name.

Freshman Year: 2006


Junior Year: 2008

Not that much has changed.....except I've gained a better fashion taste. What the crap was I thinking with that awful striped shirt??

American History version 2.5

Due to the lack of anything else interesting to write about:

9:50pm Addison: haha, you are really taking this to heat

9:52pm Melissa: I am! I am really hurt, actually.

9:52pm Addison: we should write a letter so our opinion will be heard

9:54pm Addison: old fashioned style in the mail, thats how all serious business is done

9:54pm Melissa: ha. with letters we cut out from magazines.

9:56pm Addison: ooooooooo, the declaration of independence should have totally been written that way

9:56pm Melissa: If only, if only...

9:56pm Addison: I think England would have taken us much more seriously if we had

9:56pm Melissa: I think people would actually know what it said if it was written that way.

9:56pm Addison: true that

10:01pmAddison: annnnd they should have ended it with PEACE

10:01 Melissa: and then they should have drawn a picture of George Washington as a gangster.

10:01pmAddison: throwing up some deuces haha that just made me laugh out loud

10:02pmMelissa: hahaha me too

10:02pmAddison: and then the revolutionary war would have been one giant street fight

10:02pmMelissa: haha, Reds versus Blues

10:02pmAddison: and Arbaham Lincholn would have been shanked instead of shot

10:03pmMelissa: bahahaha, and he would NOT have been at a play, he would have been in the middle of a bar fight.

10:03pmAddison: nope, he would have been at a drag race

10:04pmAddison: I like how we have totally disregarded some of the most important men in history within five minutes

10:04pmMelissa: haha i know. it's great

10:04pmAddison: I'm totally going to blog about it

10:04pmMelissa: fantastic. will you change my name to M-Diddy for protection of the innocent?

I'm home by myself tonight. I love my roommates, but it is nice to be alone for a little while. Living in an apartment with three popular girls has been interesting. I have met more boys this week than I have while being at OBU these past two years put together. This semester has been so different than the others. I'm much busier, and my classes are harder. I do enjoy my classes this year though. I feel better too. Its such a new and amazing feeling. I actually have energy now, and feel like doing things. Its insane how much my heart affects the rest of my body.

I received some news today that put a damper on things though. I went to see the professor that I work for today, and found out that I may no longer have a job. I was pretty heartbroken. I loved the job, and not to brag, but I was amazing at it. She even said more than once that I was the best assistant she had ever had. The program that I helped assist is on the chopping block, ergo my job will no longer be needed. Since this was my only source of income, it looks like I am going to have to start looking again. I know God will provide, but still, I am pretty bummed. I don't have time for an off-campus job, and jobs working for professors are hard to find. But God will provide.

I organized my room this evening. Everything is all put up, my desk is how I like it, and I found my local classical/NPR radio station that I love. And I'm eating Frosted Flakes, life couldn't get any better. :)

I think before I go to medical school, I want to be an Au Pair for a year. That would be the most amazing job ever.

Apartment Pictures

BathroomLiving Room

Other view of the living room

Kitchen

Health food cereal and my Frosted Flakes. (I haven't had the heart to tell them that is not how my name is spelled.)

Bedroom

Nightstand and pictures of some of the most important people to me.

Desks

Desk.

Closet

The End.

I'm back at school. To be quite honest I am not completely thrilled about being back. I don't know my roommates, but they all know each other, and its so awkward. I miss my parents, Eli, sweet Dyson, my birthmom, and my best friends at home, and Ray. But its going to be okay. I can feel God with me all the time. Even though I feel like I could cry at anytime, I still have peace. Its like it was after I woke up from my surgery. My world was so sad, but I still had peace.

I saw my two best friends. I was so good to see them again. They are both so beautiful and loving.

Introducing

It is so hard going somewhere you really don't want to go. I know I will be fine when I get there, but, I so don't want to go.
I feel ridiculous. I didn't even feel like this Freshman year. I suppose I became attached to my family more than I realized.
My mom, and my best friend are taking me. Speaking of the best friend, you should check out Diary of a (Somewhat) Mad Black Woman. After much begging she finally started a blog. :) I've been working on my dad too, but sadly, he keeps shutting me down every time I ask. Goodness how I would love to see the things he would write. :)

I got my hair cut too. It took me most of the evening to like it, but now I do. Its different, a little shorter, and thinner. I still want to grow it out so I didn't do anything too drastic. At first I wanted to throw up because I thought I looked like this punk skater kid/Japanese anime girl, but it has grown on me since then. I no longer think that I look like I should buy leather and write dark poetry, so life is much better.

I leave to move back in a little over three hours...........Hummmm.

God, I'm really struggling.
I SO don't want to go back to school.
Please help.

Jesus, thank you for:

-laughter
-shopping
-a listening ear
-lasting, unconditional love
-hugs
-pictures
-light blue folders with pockets and brads
-Italian food
-lovely weather
-meaningful, filling, conversations

Tonight while everyone and their mama is at the OBHG Fish Fry, I am babysitting the little ones who cannot be out in the heat for long periods of time. The two boys are good pals with Eli, so they are playing in his room, and require little supervision. The younger girls that are 2 and 3 are under my watch. So I turned on the Goodnight Show on Sprout and they fell asleep thirty minutes in. Yesssssssssssssss. I was such a happy girl. So now I am sitting watching Kipper, a show about a Beagle who speaks in a British accent.

I want a dog that speaks in a British accent.

I've also recently discovered Etsy. It is so amazing. I showed it to my mother and her eyes got all large and glassy. She was excited too.

Now Calliou is on. Geeze, if my kid has a voice like his, I'm pretty sure I'll shoot myself in the head. Whiney, little bratty kid.

I see my easy load....

Over the past several days I have transfered all my archives from wordpress to blogger.
4 years of posts.
Transfered ALL BY HAND.
Oh. My. Goodness.

It took forever, and was so freaking ghetto.
But it is done, and I couldn't be happier.

It was interesting to go back and skim over 4 years worth of posts. I was so emo in 2006, and in 2007 I over analyzed everything. And it was such a bad hair year for me. I can see in the Fall of 2007 where I was so tired and had no energy, which I thought was me being lazy but in reality was my heart beating out of control.
Looking back I see how much I have grown up. I see places where I wish I could go back and tell myself, "Girl don't waste your time, he is such a pig." But I went through all those things for a reason, and I see that know.

~
I love watching the Olympics. My Dad use to fence in highschool. We were watching women's fencing today and he was getting all into it. It was funny. I had no clue swordplay could cause you to sweat so much. Either that or Chinese women have profuse sweating issues.
~
Jesus,
Can my future husband be a competitive swimmer??
Because they are so dang beautiful.
Thanks, I appreiciate it.
Love,
Addi

"I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor

I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door"

I love this song. It is amazing. Please, listen. 

I am also writing music lyrics again. It came back and I am so happy.

Now you're working in a bank, a family man, a football fan, and your name is Harry.....

Remind me again why I chose to stay and go to college in a state that is so freaking hot??? Maybe I should go to a PA program where it does not get over 80 degrees in the summer. That would be perfectly fine with me.


This heat is ridiculous.


The new X-Files movie left me sorely disappointed. It was good, but not X-Files good. Yes, I realize that it is a bit ridiculous that I have been a closet X-Files fan for some five years now, but I am learning to accept it.

I am falling in love with orla kiely. Her bags are so beautiful, the Etc collection is my favorite.

My mom and I are going shopping in the city on Thursday. Friday family comes in from K.C., then Saturday is her surprise party.

Mamma Mia does get my two thumbs up. I liked it overall, and am choosing to ignore the fact that Colin Firth was homosexual in the movie. Don't take me wrong, I have no problem with people who choose to be that way, even though I don't agree with it. But there is just something wrong with him playing a gay man. It took me the entire length of the movie to figure it out. Once I realized it my jaw dropped and I let out a "You've got to be kidding me," right in the middle of the theater. He is, and will always be beautiful, straight, and Mr. Darcy; regardless of who he plays in other movies.

Bahahahahaha I love singing to him. He secretly loves it too.

Summer, please go away. I miss Fall so terribly, we were made for each other.

Rabid Chicken

My brother and I maintain a pretty close relationship. Ever since my surgery he has slept with me almost every night. He likes it because he gets to stay up later, and I don't like sleeping by myself because of my heart, so it works out.

I love it when he sleeps with me because he tends to let down his I'm-a-cool-eleven-year-old facade and actually talks to me. Some nights when he is in an extra good mood he lets me play his most treasured video games, and beats the bad guys for me that I can never seem to win, or he reads the latest Hardy Boys Adventure.

But during all this he lets me know what is on his heart. He tells me the things that excite him, new video games that come out, why Nick Jonas is amazing and should get over Miley and move on (why this fascinates him is beyond me, especially since I have an extreme dislike for all things Jonas), and on occasion he mentions his scum of a birthmom. It breaks my heart to hear the pain in his voice when he talks about her. I've told him more than once that if I could trade birthmoms with him I would in a heartbeat. He has never known the joy in having a stable and Godly birthmom like I have. He truly has a tender heart that I pray never becomes calloused and hard.

Wow, that was a post that came out of nowhere.

In other news, here is what has been going on in my life lately:

• I have learned so much about who I am.
• I have seen the lies I've been telling myself all these years.
• I'm in the midst of planning a surprise party for my mom.
• I'm going to Utah to go visit the sperm donor birthdad in October.
• School starts in 25 days and I am still homeless.
• My jaw hurts really bad.
• I've written my own personal manifesto.
• I am choosing to ignore the fact that the unabomber and Hitler had manifestos.
• My excuse is I wrote it without the intention of it being a manifesto.
• My almost 11 year old brother is asleep beside me. I love it when he is asleep because it is the only time I can steal kisses from him.
• I miss learning. School needs to hurry up.
• I bought an annotated copy of Pride and Prejudice.
• I am going to start memorizing the Periodic Table this week so I won't have to when school starts.
• I slept out in the living room with my sisters last night.
  
• I woke myself and them all up this morning at six laughing oh so loudly.
  
• What was my dream about?? A rabid chicken was chasing me and I had it go attack my cousin who was taking a nap. It was such a stinking funny dream, which is so ironic because I am terrified of all things birds. :)
  

I'm not the next unabomber

Its sloppy, badly written, and suffers from extreme rambling; but it is all me, written on paper.

Last night I had a lengthy discussion with my mother about my blog. If you know either of us you know that we are extremely different. (Think Anne Shirley and Marilla.) I knew she read it but I could tell that there was something she wasn't saying. It came out that she thought most of my posts were overly dramatic in nature, but she said it was because that is who I am. She is far from this, but it is not a bad thing. For example:

My mother would write: I walked along the beach today and watched the sunrise.

I would write: I took a stroll along the sandy shore as the tide kissed my toes and the sun greeted me with its normal cheer.


The conversation continued and she voiced her concerns about some personal issues in my life, one in particular is that I suffer from romanticism. I am not mental and live in a fairytale world, but I do tend to have certain expectations that are not realistic that are romantic* and cause me to enter into a downward spiral when they don't go as expected. This was so much so that I realized that I do not know myself as well as I thought I did. Actually, I don't know myself that well at all.
These startling revelations caused me to be unable to sleep last night. It is hard to sleep when you realize you don't know who you are. I began to question everything, and realized that I do and believe in things that are not really me. I only did them because the appearance they gave were romantic. So with a pen and paper in hand I sat down and spent the next hour and a half writing down anything and everything that was on my mind. I listed things that I believed in, things I needed to confess, and things that needed to be said. In its own awkward, messy way it was my own personal manifesto.
I realized that I could care less about the way KFC treats their chickens, and that yoga is a load of crap.
That I miss my long hair.
That I want to be completely independent and self sufficient before I ever think of marriage.
I don't want to be a hardcore doctor, just a simple PA.
That I although unfortunately I still have a few feelings (and I mean a few) for this certain boy I've mentioned before, I think he is an idiot and I wish his stupid snake would eat him. I only liked the idea of him though, I never really liked him personally.
That I want to live somewhere that has a cool climate so I can be outside more often.

This continued on for eight pages. Eight, long, pages. I let my best friend and my parents read it this morning. My mom was proud of me and that I should laminate it. My dad said that it was my manifesto. It was then brought to my attention that the likes of Hitler and the unabomber also had manifestos. But that is a different story. :)

I'm keeping my manifesto, and hopefully will continue to add on to it.

Gezee, sometimes I think I am one messed up cookie.



*romantic as in life in general, this is not referring to relationships.

If....

At the beginning of this summer I made a list of summer goals. One of the goals was to find out who God was and what He meant to me. As the summer progressed I was taken through a whirlwind of emotions, trials, and pain. Without any doubt this has been one of the hardest summers of my life, but, it has been one of the most beautiful ones as well.
God stripped me of everything that I thought I was and rebuilt me from the inside out. I lost all formality with God and things got intense and raw. My prayers and conversations with God weren't made of the beautiful hymns of David. They were more along the lines of the wrestling match between Jacob and God. I was mad at God. I was hurt, scared, angry, and I let Him know it. I yelled, cried, laughed, and then yelled some more.
If it were any other God I would have been struck down for the things I said, cursed and barren for the rest of my life, or, all three.
But you see, that is the thing. It was MY God. He listened when I yelled, loved me when I ran away, and laughed when I tried to take control.
He didn't walk away when I yelled, He told me to keep talking. He wanted to know how I was feeling. Why? Because He is a God of wonder, unending love, and peace.
God is the one who wants to be there for me when I am down. He is my comforter, my shelter, my healer, my confidant, my love, my solace, and my listening ear. This past summer my tears were His tears, my pain was His. Although none of this took Him by surprise, He still held me when I was feeling the disappointment and anger.
His mercy and grace never cease to amaze me.
I learned who He is without ever really looking. It all just fell in my lap.
I am so special to Him. If it were any other god from any other religion, I wouldn't have this peace and comfort. Many people know about the things that happened this summer, the pain I went through. But, only He and I know about the thoughts and emotions that went on in my heart. I gained an intimate relationship with Him.
Yes, things are still rough, but He showed me how strong I can be, and that He is forever faithful, and will never leave my side.

Vacation

Sleepy baby on the ride there.

The Best Friend, her sweet baby, and I.

Cottage Picture in at Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

(During the Intermission)
Me: Here Eli, hold my camera while I go to the restroom.
Eli: But Sis! What if I get kidnapped!?
Me: Eli, be serious. People don't kidnap people at the theatre.

Best Friend.

Right before I got in trouble for taking pictures.

The Memorial at night. None of the other pictures from here turned out because I couldn't figure out how to get my night setting to work on my camera.

Silly girls.

From the Ocean to my Room, I Feel it Too.

Going on family/cottage vacation till Wednesday. Should be interesting. I am excited about taking pictures and wandering around the city.
My medicine isn't working and is giving me horrid headaches, so I have to call the cardiologist today to discuss my other medicine options. Needless to say, I was a crabby patty this weekend. Not feeling well wears me out physically, but mentally too, because I get frustrated and sick of being sick.
I won't have my laptop, deciding to leave it here will be good for me. Being out of touch every now and then can be healthy. But I have twitter mobile, so I might update occasionally on there.

I've fallen in love with all things Vera Bradley. Especially this.
Too bad my major requires large textbooks that caused me to invest in a heavy duty bag.
Gone are the days of a cute, fluffy major.
Oooo, maybe I could get one for the EMT program?? Hum, its a thought.
Wow, I am procrastinating.

Confessions of a Windex User

My best friend got evicted from her apartment several days ago because her roommate is a stupid heifer that lies, but that is a different story. With a day and a half to pack and move out, I went over to do what little I could (which does not include lifting of anything heavy, due to my heart). So she packed and I kept the silence filled with mindless chatter, something I do best.
If any of you know me well you know that I do not have a natural servant's heart. It is not one of my spiritual gifts and never has been.
But as I was chatting she mentioned that her and her other non-heifer roommate would have to come back and clean everything the next day. After several minutes I began to wander aimlessly around the house and found the vacuum sitting in the now empty living room. Without really thinking I yelled over my shoulder that I would sweep the living room carpet for her. She yelled back a thank you and I went to work.

What started as sweeping the carpet turned into cleaning the baseboards, and all the other carpeted rooms as well. I then grabbed some Windex and began to clean the closet mirror doors. What happened next completely caught me off guard and then proceeded to blow my mind away. I was tired, dressed in a grey tank and blue scrub pants, and my hair was messy and soaked with sweat (due to the house temperature rising to a freaking 85 degrees); needless to say it wasn't my most shining hour. But as I was cleaning the mirror I caught my reflection in the mirror and it took my breath away. I was beautiful. No, I was stunning. I had never seen myself look that amazing. I laughed as I looked at this stranger in the mirror. I didn't see myself in the mirror at all. I mean, I saw my eyes are my birthmom's and my birthfather's smile, but it wasn't me that was looking back. It was Christ through and through.

I came face to face with my ugly selfish human nature, and was shown how beautiful and stunning I am when I let Christ take over. I was seeing myself through His eyes. As I spent hours working that afternoon, not one thought of regret or repayment entered in my head. I was helping out my best friend because she needed me and she has been there for me countless times. Somewhere inside my selfish little heart came servanthood and it completely rocked my world. There was no way I could have done any of it on my own. I realized how much I truly need Christ in every part of my life, not just some of it. I saw the person I could become and I loved it.
She was a captivating, amazing, loving woman, and so freaking hardcore.

I want to be that woman.