As much as I miss my family, I realized tonight that it is really hard to come home. When I am at school I tend to forget, and my memories of him fade. When that happens it becomes a little less frustrating. But when I come back, everything comes back; every conversation, every feeling of impatience and frustration, every everything. Change the name in the song, and you almost have a perfect picture of what goes on…….minus a few details.

I really need to learn how to get over him. But its hard when I know that God has told me that he is the one. Which makes me feel silly and doubt myself. Goodness.

She is beautiful.
Random.
Never takes a serious picture.
Loves Hannah Montana, like me.
Passionately seeks Christ.
You Can See God reflected in her life.
Makes me get out of my comfort zone.
Keeps me accountable.
Loves me unconditionally.
She sings the panda song to wake me up.
She eats fruit with every meal.
Nice to everyone she meets.
She is a cookie whor…cookie monster.
Listens to my pathetic rants about tommy.
Lafanzo.
mmmmmmbison.
Loyal to her friends, here and her four friends at home.
hardworker.
compassionate.
stubborn.
loving.
gives great hugs.
motivationer….I made that I word.
loosey goosey.
takes amazing notes.
has a heart for Africa.
takes embarrassing pictures in front of the White House just because I asked her to.
amazing listener.
a treasure.

I’m finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it’s okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You’re in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I’m finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

Tonight a friend and I signed to this song in our evening worship service. I had signed to this song dozens of times before, but tonight was different. God brought a whole new meaning to the song for me. The words seemed to speak directly to what I was going through, what my heart was crying out to God. Lately I have been finding myself at a loss for words, but tonight, the funny thing was, that is was okay. My parents also went down to the altar with me to pray which was very encouraging as well.

But during it all God said “Addi, just be still for a while, rest in my holiness. Love me, be with me, rest in me. I love you, it is going to me alright. Trust me, and be still, let me speak.”

…..and I’m okay with that. I am loved by a Savior, who leaves me speechless.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28-30 PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Dang. It affects 5-10% of women in America. Guess who got lucky and thrown into that percentage?

I need to whine for a second…maybe two.

So a few nights ago my parents set me down and gave me some news that I really didn’t want to hear. I know God is in control, but everything seems to swirly and confusing right now. My body is sick, and now that I know what is wrong, I want to do something about it. Now that I have been ‘diagnosed’, I have to take these giant horse pills that taste awful. Whats even worse is the medicine has horrible side effects, ones that I won’t go into detail here. I hurt, and I want to feel better, but it is going to be hard and complicated. I am at the point where I don’t even know what to pray for, or even how to pray. Its hard to not be angry, but I am trying.
The other day I read the passage above, then I sat and let those words wash over me. Now, its what I am clinging to……as if its a promise made just for me.

So to sum up what has been going on lately: my body is bad news bears.

March 2005

March 2006

March 2007

Nope, not that much has changed.

So much has happened over the past few weeks, I don’t even know where to start…..

God.

He is still the same, and oh how grateful for that! My life seems like a roller coaster that is finally slowing down. Goodness how I have gone on some pretty strange loops lately.
Last week infection took over me, which put me sick in bed with Bronchitis. It turned out okay though. It was the first time I had been on my own and been sick. I needed to be sick on my own, even though it…..well, sucked. I had never scheduled an appointment, gone to the doctor, or picked up a prescription by myself, so I guess I needed to learn. I did, and doctored myself until my mother could come, which was several days later. But now the worst is over and I am on the mend.
Tests have also been keeping me busy. Last week was the wonderful week of midterms. Thank goodness that is over! I think I did well, although I don’t receive my midterm grades until next week.
There have been some changes going on that are along the lines of school. I am possibly thinking of changing my major. Nursing. Hummmm, I never thought of that being my major, but now, it is in my thoughts quite often. I had a meeting with the Dean of Nursing today, and it is still quite possible, (although I will have to say hello to summer school) and I could still graduate in four years. There is such a medical need in the world, as well as the need for Jesus. I could be a missionary and do both, if that is what God wants.

God has been keeping my heart busy as well. I guess that is where the main subject of this post comes in. Lady in Waiting. I have a feeling that a season of my life is ending and a new one is about to start, or maybe it is still the same season, but just part 2. I don’t know. Tonight wasn’t fun. Tonight was the first night that I saw him. I thought I was over it, over him. I thought that it would be easy, and I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry over him either. Well, that didn’t happen. It was much harder than I thought, and much more confusing. Boys are stupid. This I am learning every day. I won’t go into details, but, things are weird, and they will be for a while. I realized that I haven’t worked through it all, and I need to, with God’s help. I have no idea what His plan is, and I don’t need to know. I need to trust that He is allowing this for a reason, even though its not fun, and I feel stupid crying over a stupid, but cute boy. I guess the neat thing about this time is, I cried to God, I cried to God as a friend; and He is comforting me. I love the Lord and He is drawing me even closer to Him. I think this is the first time that something sad is bringing me closer to Him, even though I was already close. I am getting closer without straying first…..if that makes any sense. Tonight in my quiet time I read something that really spoke to my heart. It said:

“God loves you. His chastisements can be painful, but God never turns His back on us. He will discipline us, but he will not forsake us. He will always seek to draw us back to a place where He can bless us once more.”

I cannot tell you how much those words brought comfort to my soul. He loves me. He craves time with me. The God of the universe cares about the tears that I cry over a silly boy. He cares about that!! What an amazing God we have! He wants to draw me closer, He wants to bless me, He wants to see me happy. I find such joy in Him! Such peace and joy!
Whatever He may have for my life, it will be good. I have NO idea what He has in store, but for now I am becoming a Lady in Waiting. Waiting on Him, His plan, His perfect timing.

I have two meetings tonight.
I have two midterms on monday.
I have class till two tomorrow.
I work from 2-4 for Dr. Belshe.
I leave at 430 for my pledge retreat.
I get back at noon on saturday.
Saturday night I have a study session.
I was at the doctor all day yesterday.
I have bronchitis.
And an sinus infection.

“What’s he thinking? Why does he keep ignoring me? Do I need to get over him and move on? Is that what God wants? Or, is this God telling me to hold out because He has a plan? Why is this so complicated? Why can’t we just be friends? Why does he have to be stupid and act like that? Why do I keep liking him so much, even though he ignores me?”

Why, why, why…..

These are the thoughts running through my mind, and I am getting pretty tired of them being there. This hot/cold friendship has run its course and I am sure He has no idea. Sometimes I don’t get God and His plan, and what He is trying to tell me.

I hate being confused, and I wish I could hear what He wants me to do.

Its Official.
I am a new pledge sister of Sigma Phi Lambda, Epsilon Class.

hee, hee.