"I am nothing, and He is everything. Nothing here is truly mine, it is all his. So why am I here? To worship him."

This has been my hearts song lately. I will admit, it hasn't been fun, or all together a good feeling. It has had me in tears, hurting, or sometimes laughing. I rejoice that I am finally learning this, but with this learning, comes evil trying to bring me down. It seems like Satan has been using every trick he has to bring me down. I am in a place where I am almost raw. Does this make sense? To be completely filled with the Holy Spirit, I need to give Christ everything. I have had problems with that lately. Today I felt God speaking to me, words I didn't exactly want to hear, "Addi, you need to give everything to me. There will come a time when you will have to fully depend on me, the thing you have been unwilling to do. Nothing here is yours, its mine. Humble yourself and come to me. I am doing this because I love you."
What is going to happen? I don't know. But I do know that I am not passionate about him like I used to be, I am not being filled with the Holy Spirit. That breaks my heart, because I know the reason why. I haven't given everything to him. There are some things I have been holding back because I am afraid. Afraid because if I give it to him, it is something I cannot control.
I am only here to worship him. You would think that would give me some kind of peace and freedom. But Satan is using it against me, and I hate it. He is sending thoughts of fear, and confinement into my head. This has become my daily battle, to fight off his attacks. I know I am not alone, but it still is so hard. I feel like Christianity has become such a messy thing. I want to go back to that child-like faith I had once before.
What is going to happen? I don't know. Will He take something away? I have a feeling he will. But all I ask is to have the endurance, patience and the perspective of Job.

~
My headaches are coming back. Just as bad as they were when I was a child. I had such a painful one today that is scared me how bad it hurt.

Word on the street is that Castro got re-elected. Twas a close race as well, or so I hear. :-)
~
I do believe this is my all time favorite way of being introduced:

"This is Addison Barrett, but the boys down at O Smurfy's call her Addi."

And I like that.
~
Me: Wanna go to Braums with me? Eh?
Her: Sure, I would love to.
Me: Beauty.
Her: Have you been watching those Canadian mooses again on the movie Brother Bear?
Me: I can't help it. I feel like I have a connection with them. And it is moose, not mooses.
Her: You are weird.
Me: Beauty.
~
I am feeling called to missions so strongly, that I know it is what He wants me to do. But the International Affairs bussiness strikes my fancy as well. I know that He will make a way where the two shall meet. But how? I have no idea.

My passion for him is not burning as brightly as it use to. I am not being continually being filled with the Holy Spirit. I long with that passion, that holiness, that child-like faith that I once had. Christianity seems so complicated right now, and it is getting rather tiring. Struggles that I have been going through, trying to figure out what I believe, opposed to what 'my parents' believe. I need to figure out some things on my own. What scares me is that I am beginning to believe things that my father does not.
As of now I believe in predestination, my father disagrees. I believe there is a chosen elect, he very much disagrees. There are still some things about Calvinism that don't quite make sense to me, but there are quite a few hearty portions of Scripture (Romans 9, ect.), that don't sit right with me as well. There is too much proof for me not to believe. As of now, I don't consider myself a 'five point Calvinist', but I am leaning close towards it.

I am continually seeking his guidance, and listening to him speak.

My life verse as of now.

He sent rain, and it is good.

It is well within my soul.

A refreshing quote from this weekend that has really lifted me up.

Him: Hey whats-her-face called, you need to call her back.
Her: Who?
Him: That Abby chick, Abby, Addey, I don't know.


This week has been full of busyness. A trip to the city, baby-sitting twice, pet sitting, church, Armenia fundraiser, tears, laughter, getting lost, as well as many other things.

I am quite ticked off as well. Lazy-Boy did not put a warning on their chairs saying that if you lean back in a recliner too far, harmful results follow. These include, tipping over, hitting your head on corners of walls, bruises, swelling, and a bad neckache. I speak from experience. I did figure out my two college choices for Fall of 2007.

College that I will probably go to: Here

My dream college that I would attend in a heartbeat, but I would have to marry rich first: Here

1 By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us--set us right with him, make us fit for him--we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. 2 And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand--out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise. 3 There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, 4 and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. 5 In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!
Romans 5

~

Whew, that is a lot to take in, but is totally what I am experiencing right now. God is good, faithful, just, and sovereign; I am learning this daily. But in the midst of this trouble I have been experiencing some delightful breaks in the clouds. Words of encouragement, unexpected phone calls from Ian, prayers, hugs, and even God speaking to me through the mouth of a three year old, bringing me to tears. I am learning to laugh in the rain, I know that sounds dramatic but it is a good way to describe what I am feeling. This storm has passed and has been reduced only to a mere sprinkle with a few showers in between.

Early mornings have become my favorite time of the day, because the sun rises on the side of the house where I spend most of my time. The sunrise is beautiful here, and no matter how horrible the morning can go, (and it can go pretty bad) God always proves faithful with a beautiful sunrise. It almost feels like His special promise to me, that He is there, and with me at all times. No matter how bad things get, He is always there holding my hand, all I need to do is to remember to reach out for that hand. I forget to do that sometimes. :-) Okay, a lot of the time. But I am learning, and He is patient, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Mr. Salt, Mrs. Pepper, and RayRay

Mr. Salt, Mrs. Pepper, and RayRay
Originally uploaded by abneygirl.

A lovely dinner with a good friend made my day a little better. She was my sunshine through the chaos.

I won't be writing for a while, partly because so much is going on, and partly because it hurts to bad to write.
I am experiencing a storm like no other. I knew it would be coming, but I had no idea how bad it would hurt. But I am learning, I am learning that He is still God; amazing and strong. I am praising him through this storm, even though the pain is still there. He is with me, I can feel it.
Not a lot of people know what is going on, not many need to know. If you have any idea of what I am going through, I could use your prayers. Please pray for my family, our home, the girls living with us, and for myself; that I won't give into satan's attacks. So good-bye for a little while.

I was sure by now That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen"and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"

I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands

For you are who you are No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand

You never left my side And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

Sleep came finally at six this morning, after a very long, restless, sleepless night. Unfortunately it only stayed long enough for me to get only two and a half hours of rest, but I am managing on that right now.
I am very excited about my two books that are being shipped, Mere Christianity, and Chosen By God. I can’t wait to read them.

Sleep came finally at six this morning, after a very long, restless, sleepless night. Unfortunately it only stayed long enough for me to get only two and a half hours of rest, but I am managing on that right now.
I am very excited about my two books that are being shipped, Mere Christianity, and Chosen By God. I can't wait to read them.

Whoever said sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain… I know that I am avoiding you. I know that I am running. But I will soon come back. I don’t know what is wrong, but things need to be right. I would say that I am confused, but I am not, I am just not listening. I can feel you pulling at my heart, and calling my name tenderly.

~

“Send some rain, would You send some rain? ‘Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud? Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid But maybe not, not today Maybe You’ll provide in other ways And if that’s the case … “

I guess to water down my previous very depressing post, I would share a few amusing and interesting conversations I have had, as of late.
Her: I have a new roommate.
Me: Really? What is her name?
Her: His name is Kristi.
Me: WHAT? You are living with a man?
Her: No silly, I just wanted to see how you would react.
Me: Okay, good you scared me there. I thought I was gonna have to sick my gangsters on you.
Her: You and who’s army?
Me: You mean me and my gangsters. We would be doin some sicking on you for co-habitating with a person of the male persuasion.
Her: I love how I cannot understand half of what you say.
~
(During the Sunday evening sermon.)
Me: Is the pastor sick?
Her: No, why?
Me: Because he sounds like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.
~
Me: I applied to college a few weeks ago.
My Brother: What? You can’t go to college!
Me: Why not?
Brother: Because Steve on Blue’s Clues went off to college and he never came back!
~
Me: I have a big wedding to go to in May, I need a date.
Her: Really? I could pick one out for you.
Me: I was only joking.
Her: Oh, Okay. But if you change your mind I could put a notice in the church bulletin.
~
Me: Why are you so annoying?
Brother: I can’t help it! Thats just how I roll.
There you have it. My week in conversations.

Whoever said sunshine brings happiness, has never danced in the rain...

I know that I am avoiding you. I know that I am running. But I will soon come back. I don't know what is wrong, but things need to be right. I would say that I am confused, but I am not, I am just not listening. I can feel you pulling at my heart, and calling my name tenderly.

~

"Send some rain, would You send some rain? 'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud? Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid But maybe not, not today Maybe You'll provide in other ways And if that's the case ... "

I guess to water down my previous very depressing post, I would share a few amusing and interesting conversations I have had, as of late.

Her: I have a new roommate.
Me: Really? What is her name?
Her: His name is Kristi.
Me: WHAT? You are living with a man?
Her: No silly, I just wanted to see how you would react.
Me: Okay, good you scared me there. I thought I was gonna have to sick my gangsters on you.
Her: You and who's army?
Me: You mean me and my gangsters. We would be doin some sicking on you for co-habitating with a person of the male persuasion.
Her: I love how I cannot understand half of what you say.
~
(During the Sunday evening sermon.)
Me: Is the pastor sick?
Her: No, why?
Me: Because he sounds like Sid the Sloth from Ice Age.
~
Me: I applied to college a few weeks ago.
My Brother: What? You can't go to college!
Me: Why not?
Brother: Because Steve on Blue's Clues went off to college and he never came back!
~
Me: I have a big wedding to go to in May, I need a date.
Her: Really? I could pick one out for you.
Me: I was only joking.
Her: Oh, Okay. But if you change your mind I could put a notice in the church bulletin.
~
Me: Why are you so annoying?
Brother: I can't help it! Thats just how I roll.

There you have it. My week in conversations.

I was told tonight that I tend to run from my problems. Me? Run? Is that true? I am afraid that it is. This person was probably very close to the truth, closer than I want to admit. Lately I have been running from my problems, and only speaking of them briefly on here.
Maybe that has been my problem with God as of late too. Maybe I have been running from Him as well to avoid my problems. What is wrong with me? Oh I am not looking for advice, I am just getting this all out on paper so it will not be a burden any longer, so to speak.
I am starting to realize how amazing of a God we have. I run off and think I can carry all of my burdens of my own, and fix them all. Yet, He patiently waits, waits for me to come back, a little more humble, realizing that I cannot make it on my own.
I hate that my posts are so depressing as of late. But I guess that is something I am going to have to get over. Things will change, I know they will, but for now I will have to wait out this storm, and see it through.

"Oh, I'll still be your Defender

And you'll be My missing son

And I'll send out an army

Just to bring you back to Me."

I was told tonight that I tend to run from my problems. Me? Run? Is that true? I am afraid that it is. This person was probably very close to the truth, closer than I want to admit. Lately I have been running from my problems, and only speaking of them briefly on here.
Maybe that has been my problem with God as of late too. Maybe I have been running from Him as well to avoid my problems. What is wrong with me? Oh I am not looking for advice, I am just getting this all out on paper so it will not be a burden any longer, so to speak.
I am starting to realize how amazing of a God we have. I run off and think I can carry all of my burdens of my own, and fix them all. Yet, He patiently waits, waits for me to come back, a little more humble, realizing that I cannot make it on my own.
I hate that my posts are so depressing as of late. But I guess that is something I am going to have to get over. Things will change, I know they will, but for now I will have to wait out this storm, and see it through.

“Oh, I’ll still be your Defender

And you’ll be My missing son

And I’ll send out an army

Just to bring you back to Me.”

I truly love my friends. They make me laugh.
Learning is hard, putting what you have learned to use can be even harder. I am ready to grow up, finish school, travel, get married, and start my family, and shop at Baby Gap. But I know it is not yet my time, I still have much to do, learn, and much room to grow. As hard as life can be right now I truly think I would be sorry if I skipped out on this time in my life.

Ever since I was little people have been telling me 2006 was 'the year' of my life, its the year I graduate. But in the midst of it, it really isn't all that grand. It seems like now I have more drama, more petty nonsense that I want to escape from than I have had in my entire life. What is God's meaning for this? Why? I am anxious to learn from this experience and move on. Ah, but that is one of my flaws. I am not a patient person. This will probably be pure torture for me then.

Not many know what is truly going on right now, not many need to know. But I won't lie, its hard.

"I don't know what you are going to do, or how you are going to do it; my only wish is that you would make it happen soon."

I truly love my friends. They make me laugh.
Learning is hard, putting what you have learned to use can be even harder. I am ready to grow up, finish school, travel, get married, and start my family, and shop at Baby Gap. But I know it is not yet my time, I still have much to do, learn, and much room to grow. As hard as life can be right now I truly think I would be sorry if I skipped out on this time in my life.

Ever since I was little people have been telling me 2006 was ‘the year’ of my life, its the year I graduate. But in the midst of it, it really isn’t all that grand. It seems like now I have more drama, more petty nonsense that I want to escape from than I have had in my entire life. What is God’s meaning for this? Why? I am anxious to learn from this experience and move on. Ah, but that is one of my flaws. I am not a patient person. This will probably be pure torture for me then.


Not many know what is truly going on right now, not many need to know. But I won’t lie, its hard.
“I don’t know what you are going to do, or how you are going to do it; my only wish is that you would make it happen soon.”

Yes it is very late and I should be in bed but I can’t sleep. The girl in the room next to mine likes to listen to her music loud at night while she sleeps. So therefore I cannot sleep. Although I am coming to believe that I think she is just doing it because she knows it makes me mad. Anyhow, I was sitting here, thinking, looking at old pictures and such. My dad got some random flim developed the other day and it was pictures of when you came for my I believe 14th birthday. You gave me 14 presents for each year you wern’t able to. (We should try that again sometime. just kidding.)
Lately I have been thinking what it would be like for me to be pregnant right now, what I would do, the decisions I would have to make. I realized then how hard it would be to place a baby at that young of an age. I would not be able to make choices like those. I am still very much a child. Then God reminded me that you were only a few years older than I when you had to make those though choices. A wave of sadness swept over me as I thought about this. But it didn’t last for long. Then I felt so proud of you. I am proud of you.
You are an amazing person for what you did. You wanted a better life for me, a life you knew you wouldn’t be able to offer. I do recall you saying that if you would have kept me we would have been living in a van, down by the river. And because of that, I am in an amazing place today. God is working in my life is some ways I never would have thought possible. It occured to me that I don’t think I have ever thanked you for what you did. For making that decision to place me for adoption. I thank you from the very bottom of my heart.
God still uses you now, even when you are not even here. In passing I found a valentine you sent me quite a few years ago that said some things that truly touched my heart. I was younger then and did not quite understand all the love put into the valentine, but reading it now, I do. You are an amazing person, and I love you for it.
And again, thank you.
Love, Me

Yes it is very late and I should be in bed but I can't sleep. The girl in the room next to mine likes to listen to her music loud at night while she sleeps. So therefore I cannot sleep. Although I am coming to believe that I think she is just doing it because she knows it makes me mad. :-)
Anyhow, I was sitting here, thinking, looking at old pictures and such. My dad got some random flim developed the other day and it was pictures of when you came for my I believe 14th birthday. You gave me 14 presents for each year you wern't able to. (We should try that again sometime. just kidding.)
Lately I have been thinking what it would be like for me to be pregnant right now, what I would do, the decisions I would have to make. I realized then how hard it would be to place a baby at that young of an age. I would not be able to make choices like those. I am still very much a child. Then God reminded me that you were only a few years older than I when you had to make those though choices. A wave of sadness swept over me as I thought about this. But it didn't last for long. Then I felt so proud of you. I am proud of you.
You are an amazing person for what you did. You wanted a better life for me, a life you knew you wouldn't be able to offer. I do recall you saying that if you would have kept me we would have been living in a van, down by the river. :-)
And because of that, I am in an amazing place today. God is working in my life is some ways I never would have thought possible. It occured to me that I don't think I have ever thanked you for what you did. For making that decision to place me for adoption. I thank you from the very bottom of my heart.
God still uses you now, even when you are not even here. In passing I found a valentine you sent me quite a few years ago that said some things that truly touched my heart. I was younger then and did not quite understand all the love put into the valentine, but reading it now, I do. You are an amazing person, and I love you for it.
And again, thank you.
Love, Me

I can honestly say I love life right now. I have no clue where God is leading me, or when this happiness will end, but right now I am grateful for the love my Lord has bestowed upon me.
My prayer is that I will learn to praise you in the storms. I know some are on the horizon, but you will hold my hand through them, and I thank you for that. You are who you are, no matter where I am. I am learning that being a follower of you is not always safe, but it is most definitely worth it. No one said this would be easy.

I can honestly say I love life right now. I have no clue where God is leading me, or when this happiness will end, but right now I am grateful for the love my Lord has bestowed upon me.

My prayer is that I will learn to praise you in the storms. I know some are on the horizon, but you will hold my hand through them, and I thank you for that. You are who you are, no matter where I am. I am learning that being a follower of you is not always safe, but it is most definitely worth it. No one said this would be easy.

"There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

Now that is true wisdom right there. :-)

“There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”
Now that is true wisdom right there.

Have I mentioned lately how ready I am to graduate??
Me: I am kinda stressing about my exam I have to take today for American History.

Mom: Oh don’t worry, if you ever get stuck just answer it Thomas Jefferson and you will have a 60% chance of getting it right.

Have I mentioned lately how ready I am to graduate??

Me: I am kinda stressing about my exam I have to take today for American History.

Mom: Oh don't worry, if you ever get stuck just answer it Thomas Jefferson and you will have a 60% chance of getting it right.

 

Happy New Year!

Today was filled with good wishes, lots of hugs, and boy being bugs. Wow, I did not mean for that to rhyme.

I am ready for the new year to come and I am accepting it gladly. I am ready for its challenges and for what God has in store. I have a feeling 2006 will be a new chapter in my life, what all that entails I know not. But whatever comes, I shall being keeping record of it here, so hang on for the ride.

Happy New Year

Today my mother and I trekked up to the city to see two very dear friends join together and become one. We have waited so long to see this day come, many years we have been praying for this day to come and today it came. We celebrated joyfully with many friends and loved ones.
I also got to see many of my friends, including the best friend. We jumped at the chance for a photoshoot and the results were hysterical.
During this I realized how much we had changed. We have changed both for the better, and we were so different than what we used to be. We both are heading different directions, I going off to college soon, and she involved in basketball, driving, and many other things in high school.

But when we still get together, no matter how different our circumstances are at that time; it feels like we picked up right where we left off. I had forgotten how much fun I have with her. She sees me for who I am, and loves me for it.
I truly love my life here, where I am, but I am so glad that I have her in my life as well. She makes things a little brighter.
I love her a lot.

As for the wedding, it was wonderful. The bride was beautiful, the groom looked spiffy, and our friend look mighty handsome in his tux. It was small and quaint; just a few close friends and many tears. I will flickr some pictures of the wedding, because it was so beautiful.
On the ride home I got to have a much desired conversation with my mother. We talked of my future, some decisions I would be making, my major in college, and careers I would be looking into. My favorite part of the trip was a short conversation we had, it occurred something like this:
Her: You forgot to remind me to get gas back in our old neighborhood before we left for home.
Me: I am sorry, I forgot.
Her: We are almost out of gas, we won’t make it much longer.
Me: There is a gas station up the road.
Her: Great, we are going to have to get gas in the ghetto.
I love my mother. She makes me laugh.
Looking back I thought my New Year’s Eve would be pretty stinky, but it turned out to be a wonderful thing. It twas a great was a great way to end the year and bring in the new one. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year!

Today was filled with good wishes, lots of hugs, and boy being bugs. Wow, I did not mean for that to rhyme. :-)

I am ready for the new year to come and I am accepting it gladly. I am ready for its challenges and for what God has in store. I have a feeling 2006 will be a new chapter in my life, what all that entails I know not. But whatever comes, I shall being keeping record of it here, so hang on for the ride.