Living and Loving.

"A bird does not sing because it has an answer; it sings because it has a song."

I want to live without regret. I live so much of my life carefully because I am afraid to fail. Tired of trying to conform to something I'm not. I need to accept who I am and love it. And I do. This life is too short to try to be something I'm not, to sit around and do nothing. Life should be full of laughter, tears, mistakes, and learning. I guess in the back of my mind I always thought that life would begin after college. But its not, its here and its now.

• I want to live without reserve.
  
• I want to spend a full day without technology and just be.
  
• I want my conversations to be meaningful.
• I want to travel to China and see a panda in its natural habitat and not in a zoo.
  
• I want to live life more environmentally friendly and make an impact on my world.
  
• I want to say something profound and have it quoted in a book.
  
• I want to fall in love.
  
• I want to read all the books on my bookshelf.
  
• I want to go to bed at night knowing that I lived that day to the fullest.
  
• I want to spend a month without internet, phone, or electricity with my husband in a country cottage in France.
  
• I want to stay in bed all day and snuggle with my boy while the windows are open so we can listen to the rain fall outside.
  

This weekend I went to the mall with this one amazing girl. We both needed new journals, so we decided to go together. She needed one for her day to day writing, and I needed a new one for my future husband. (The one I have now is the same one I've had since I was 14, it is very purple and has a giant winnie the pooh on the front.) On the way we looked at shoes, engagement rings that we like, and had the most random conversations. I guess the thing I love about her is that I can tell her anything and she totally understands. We love to share about the things we are looking forward to about being married, and everything that goes along with that.......even making out in the kitchen with jazz music playing in the background. :)
I don't know, I guess I have a lot on my mind, and most of it is going to stay in there for now. But yeah, life is crazy and full of surprises and heartaches; and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I am about 50 pages in, and I so, so LOVE The Other Boleyn Girl.

It is so nice to be home. I sitting at my favorite place on the couch watching Across the Universe. I've decided that its probably one of the weirdest movies I've seen, but I love it. I think that you have to have a pretty big appreciation for The Beatles to like it.

Growing up I was raised in a pretty conservative atmosphere. For the past almost two years I have not lived under that umbrella and have been living around people with so many differing opinions. I guess it has gotten me to think and figure out what I believe and why I believe it.
I've found something that I believe in. Its something that I found on my own, and I like it. I'm not saying that I support or believe in global warming. Actually, I highly doubt it. Despite that fact I do believe that we should respect the world that God has given us. No, I'm not hugging trees or trying to save whales, but I do believe that some changes need to be made in my life, and in the lives of others.

So thats my soapbox for the day.

Mmmmmhummmm

This thing called college is so.......overrated.

I'm so ready to graduate, and have a family.


A friend got my hooked on the TV series The Tudors. Although I close my eyes during the bad parts. :) Its funny, because I am a poor college student I can't buy the episodes via itunes. So, I found a Japanese youtube like website that has the episodes online for free. I'm pretty sure it might be illegal, but oh well. I get to watch them for free and have the pleasure of Japanese subtitles at the bottom.

Things have happened that it looks like I will be living in an apartment next year instead of the dorms. I'm nervous/excited. This way my parents can have a place to stay when they are off duty, I will have a place of my own away from school, and I can get a cat.

Annnnnd I started reading The Other Boleyn Girl today, not sure if I will like it yet or not.

I am so ready for Scotland. Its going to be an adventure.

Its almost snowcone weather, which makes me happy.

oh goodness, I am probably on a U.S. 'watch list'...

Who knew that the paper topic I chose would hit so many brick walls. It started Monday when I emailed my Civ professor to tell him that I wished to write about Totalitarianism as a paper topic. He heartily agreed and suggested several documents that I could analyze to use in my paper, Mein Kampf in particular. So I go to my local library and look it up, much to my pleasure they have on the shelf. But, much to my dismay, this HUGE book was written by one Adolf Hitler. Quickly I check out the book, trying to ignore the nosy librarian's glare that she is giving me with her patriotic eyes. Which in itself is ironic because before then my friends and I called the strict, mean, grouchy ladies who work at the library the 'library Nazis'. But moving on.....
Not only is He extremely chatty in this book, making it over 600 pages, He doesn't stay on one topic, making it hard to read. It is also filled with hate, as expected, but also things I have never thought about before. So I have to take breaks every now and then from reading to be around happy, positive people.
Making my problem worse is trying to find commentary on the topic online. Because of the campus' strict internet filter, I am getting a lot of sites blocked due to 'hate and tasteless topics'. Gahhhhhhh........
I might post the finished paper, we'll see.

Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.....

Meet Kelly.
She's my little.....er, sort of.
She's my former little?
Nah, she's still my little sis.....even though I've been excommunicated from all things Phi Lamb.
Despite that fact......
she is amazing.
and a hippie.
and she is the president of my civ professor's fan club.
and we watch LOST together and talk about how much we hate Juliet. :)

When I am on the edge and think that relief is nowhere in sight, God comes to my rescue. He is my shelter, my protector, my friend. This past week has been insanely hard. I'm pretty sure I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Wednesday night was the climax and I felt like I was about to break. Knowing what you need to do, but not wanting to do it is so hard. I feel like I wrestled with God, and I so didn't win. But as Thursday rolled around the sun came out and God reminded me of His love. He sent one of the most precious girls I know to me and we spent most of the afternoon together. I can say the most random things and she understands me. There are very few friendships out there like that. God sent another later that night to me and it was amazing.
It is nice to be reminded that no one is perfect. We all have struggles, hardships, and pain. Yes we may plaster a smile on our faces on the outside, but on the inside we are hurting. But once you get past that fear that you are alone in it you come to realize that you are not really alone. Hearing 'Hey, I've been there, it will work out' is sometimes all you need to hear to feel better.

On a much more random note, in class today my professor explained that if I went to a star millions of miles away, and M stayed behind, I would be my same young self and she would be the old woman when I returned.
Being a class example can be so awkward sometimes, but so much fun. :)

I will live my life as a lobsterman's wife on an island in the blue bay. He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea, And close to my heart he'll always stay. I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and Nelly and Faye. While I'm combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare on our island in the blue bay.

a watched clock never moves.....

Oh my goodness Spring Break seems to be hidden forever and I shall never find it.

36 hours seems like an eternity......

Its like when you are on a long trip. You have been in the car for hours on end, and you are only 45 minutes away from home. But those 45 minutes can be the longest part of the trip.
I need this break. I need it desperately.

We are supposed to receive rain tomorrow. Please Lord, send rain. I was talking with a friend tonight and she mentioned she was ready for a good, long, spring storm. I heartily agree.

I love Oklahoma. It is truly a great state. But if I had one complaint it would be the wind. If it were not so windy here, I would wear skirts and dresses every day. But I kind of like the idea of keeping my dignity in tact so I usually stick to wearing pants. Stupid wind.

Mmmmm waking up early on your own is so much fun.
I love watching the world wake up.

Working towards 100%

A few hours ago I sent out an email to all my sisters. I told them that I was going inactive as a member of Sigma Phi Lambda until further notice. It broke my heart, but it was something God was asking me to do. He wants 100% of me, and Phi Lamb was draining me, and it was something that needed to go. I'm sad, I want to still be apart of Phi Lamb, and I may be someday......but for now, I had to say goodbye. Although I am sad about it, I am happy because I am obeying.

75% just isn't that good

Tonight was one of those nights that I could have packed up everything and walked away without a goodbye. I cannot express how much I want to live at home next semester. Besides the amazing education I am getting here, and a few amazing people, OBU is nothing that I like or want. On top of that my sorority is wanting more from me than I can give. I am so tempted to walk away, and let them pick up all the responsibilities that I have.
Tonight I called my mom and cried. "I just want to go home", I told her.
I feel bad because I'm not giving 100% at work either.
Something has got to give.

Peace

As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.

Isaiah 55:10-12

Lately I've been scared. I haven't been in control of much in my life these days and I've hated it. I was not ever mad at God because of my heart thing, but spending time with God was something I did have control of; so I stopped spending time with Him. I was upset because I did not see Scotland in my future, but now I realize it wasn't God who was pulling my heart away from Scotland, it was me. I was scared, I had every reason to be. Money was not coming in. A few of the people closest in my life who have supported me growing up did not respond at all, and one sent a check for ten dollars; needless to say, it was defeating. I was scared because I will be flying on planes internationally by myself, I would be living in a foreign country for two months by myself. I let myself listen to the lies of the deceiver.

But as Winter is turning into Spring my heart was slowly being warmed and whispered to. I started to realize the pettiness of my actions. Money from people I never expected came in, and $1,500 has been raised. After a few months of not being in the Word I sat down a read and listened. "You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace", these words spoke to my heart. Yes I may be scared, but I will go out in peace; a peace that overrides the fear, and a joy that is lasting, even when times are hard.

God brought $300 in the mail to me today for Scotland, bringing me to a total of $900. Thank you Jesus. I am about 1/4 of the way there. I was feeling so doubtful, but then things like this happen. Oh how I have a problem with trusting. :)

I am beginning to accept the fact that I am not a good tester. No matter how hard I study, its just not in me to concoct a flawless test essay. But if it is multi choice or question and answer; I'm a rock star. :)

On the way home from school my dad drove so I pulled out my laptop and watched the newest episode of Lost that I had missed. The following conversation occurred:

Dad: Are you watching Lost?
Me: Yes....
Dad: But I thought they were stuck on some island?
Me: They are.
Dad: But they are in houses and have technological equipment.
Me: Its because they are on the other side of the island-
Dad: Then why don't they use that equipment to get off the island??
Me: Oh man dad, its so much more complicated than that.....

The Age of Sleepiness

The past few days have been so much fun. I absolutely love my mother and had so much fun with her while she visited. She simply amazes me and I am constantly reminded why she is my best friend.
Today I am in the process of trying to get through The Age of Innocence. I do like the book, but there is so much that you have to unpack it makes it hard to read in 48 hours. By the looks of the weather report, I may be snowed in tomorrow, so I may find bits of spare time to slowly enjoy the novel.......even though the book does make me terribly sleepy.

Wii=funness

What are you trying to teach me here? That I am not in control and you are? That you have a plan and I should trust? That your plans are better and wiser than mine? I love that you teach me things, but sometimes, I don't like the means you use for teaching tools.

Less than 72 hours till the best night of the year. I am so excited I could puddle. This really has been a good weekend. I came home Thursday night so I could go with my family to the stock show on Friday. I had forgotten how much I enjoy it. Tomorrow is Big/Little ceremony where I reveal to who I am to my new little sis. I am really excited about this girl, its going to be great. I guess the only damper on this weekend was the phone call from my doctor. My thyroid tests came back clear. I am happy about this, but, I was hoping that it would be a simple thyroid thing, but no, so I have to go back in 27 days after I finish my halter monitor and go from there. I hate this, I truly do. But the thing I hate the most is I feel that God is preparing me for the fact that I might not be able to go to Scotland. I feel myself slowly separating. Otherwise things are going well. My heart monitor isn't terrible. It is pretty small and I feel like a spy when I have to call and download the information off of it through the phone. I guess the only downside is when it goes off in class and I get odd looks, then I have to give my 'sorry its my heart monitor' look back.

I found the peanut butter to my jelly again. It is going well, so, so, so well. I think God knew we needed each other right now.

Oh man, we got a Wii. It is so stinking fun.

I cannot wait to be a PA. I am so excited. Just thought I would throw that out there.

Dydd Gwyl Ddewi Hapus i bawb!!!
Happy Saint David's Day to everyone!!!
(I got that in an email this morning.)