So I am a little hesitant about posting this?because I think it might make me look conceited?.but I am going to go with it.

This picture completely sums up my life at the moment.



My hair is a mess, in a ball cap, because I really don?t care and I feel myself in a ballcap. In complete contradiction to my hair I am wearing a black dress that I tried on because I love trying on dresses because I feel pretty in them. The picture is blurry which is exactly what my life is at the moment. There are no definite lines right now, everything is fuzzy. And, I am laughing, because I am perfectly happy with who I am, who God made me, and what He is doing in my life at the moment; even though it is requiring me to say good-bye to some people?.which is breaking my heart. In the midst of it all, I am still perfectly happy.

Now, I am going to go ?study? with some friends for our New Testament test that is tomorrow.

I love this picture?.and Agamemnon is smiling too! He made the trip home with me; I seat-belted him in next to me. Mom was making fun of me when I took this picture?whatever. She is just a hater.

?By faith Moses? parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king?s edict.?

Hebrews 11:23

Moses was no ordinary child. I guess lately I have been stuck on Moses, but I think God has a reason why. The other day is dawned on me that Moses and I have something in common; we are both adopted. I don?t know why that had not clicked, but it finally did. Because God allowed Moses to be adopted; he was able to change an entire nation?s history. Look at all the things God planned for him! This thought brings me to my next favorite verse.

?Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart;

I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.?

Jeremiah 1:5

I LOVE this verse. It speaks to me in so many ways. God knew me, even before I was born, and He knew what He wanted to do with my life. How amazing is that? How amazing is our God? Pretty darn amazing.

~

So I am liking that this is a happier post than my previous few?.but that dosen?t mean things have changed?they are still the same old drama. But it is okay now.

BUT,

On a happier note:

Candy Hines from the Hope Pregnancy Center called me today as said that she was attending a meeting tomorrow about the center?s summer schedule. She said that if they receive the funding they expect, they would love to have me as the Summer Intern for the month of July! I am so excited. It would mean that I get to work at a camp nearby for a whole month, talking about abstinence. That phone call made me a happy panda. I do hope that it works out.

How do I get myself into these things again, and again? I have let certain relationships in my life gain way to much control?.unhealthy control. Because of it I have been sucked completely dry; emotionally, and physically. I came home a day early because the drama was getting to me. I had to come home anyway because of my appointment Wednesday, but I came home early because I could not take it anymore. I did not realize until tonight that some relationships have caused me to treat my friends, and even my family differently. My mom had to cancel plans on me tonight and I freaked out on her. She did nothing wrong, but I took out my frustration on her because of circumstances that have happened elsewhere.

So I am possibly thinking of taking a ?blogging break?. Or, making my posts private and emailing them out. But for now I am at home, refueling, and learning that it is okay to stand up for yourself?something I am learning?.again.

In other news; this picture makes me laugh?.so hard.

Spring Affair+windy days+Phi Lamb friends= amazing moments

I am so tired of everyone’s crap. Truly, I am so tired of drama. I am tired of school. I am ready for my body to start feeling better. I just want to take a holiday for a while, like Audrey Hepburn did in Roman Holiday. I want to pack a bag, and my pal Agamemnon, and just run away for a little while…..and take a holiday in Spain. I just want to be, just me, my fish, and God. Because one thing I have learned today is that God and fish don’t do drama; and I like that about them. I feel like my life has become complicated and messy. I want to go where its simple; no drama, no boy distractions, so stress, no every day thing.

But that is the thing about life, you can’t run away from your problems.

…and I want to snuggle. Fish are not very snuggable creatures. Bummer.

Our library here ghetto, no really. It makes strange and scary noises randomly, and it kind of freaks me out.
I am so tried. I need rest. I also need for this year to be over. I don’t know what is wrong with me lately, I feel melancholy, pensive, tired, and restless. And I really need a hug.
I guess the stress is getting to me. I am in the midst of a research paper over Greek history and culture. It is hard. Probably one of the hardest I have ever had to do. I want to do a good job on it so I can get a good grade in English….which is adding to my pile of stress.
I have not been able to spend time with Jesus like I used to. I think that may be part of my problem. I am going to lifestream tonight, which is an amazing worship time, so I am hoping to get filled there. I miss spending time with him.
I feel like my confidence in who I am and who I am in Him has been stripped away. I know that I am beautifully and fearfully and wonderfully made, but I don’t feel like that right now. Its nice to hear that you are beautiful every now and then, but I shouldn’t HAVE to hear that, I should know that because God made me. I don’t feel very pretty right now. Bah.
I need sleep, Jesus, stress to go away, and for someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

and I am having a fat day. oh boy.

I am in philosophy class, and I am cold. Brrrrr.
Just thought I would throw that out there….oh and that I got an A on my PHILOSOPHY PAPER. I have an A in the class now. Just hope I don’t bring it down when I take the final. Hee, heee. I think that having an A in the class qualifies me as a Philosophy Rockstar.

I went home last night to get my car. I hate the stress that this is putting on my parents. I want to make it better but I have no idea how. Getting a student loan wouldn’t be very wise, and my Dad doesn’t want me to get one, and I don’t want to go against what he wants. My job does not pay much either, but it is enough or me to get by. SO, I don’t know what to do, except to keep on praying….and maybe God will drop a jeep (heck, any nice car would be great) out of the sky and land on my driveway….that would be pretty cool.

Anyway, as I mentioned above, I went home last night. I was able to spend some good quality time with my brother. I love him so dang much. He has such a sweet spirit and a tender heart. I am seeing God work and grow in him daily. It excites me so much.

I met this guy tonight. I have known him for a while, but didn’t really know him….if that makes any sense. Anyway, we were talking about his girlfriend who is in college a few hours away from here. He said that he was passionately in love with her, he knew that she was the one God had for him, without a shadow of a doubt. He also said that he had already written the song that he was going to sing to her when he was going to purpose someday…..wow, that’s romantic. I guess guys who can play music and sing always get to me…but still, wow. I can’t wait till I meet the guy God has for me, fall in love, and be swept off my feet. I know it is going to be amazing, so I am content with waiting, and letting Him write my love story.

…and he’s gotta have some sort of musical ability, I can’t help it, blame my birthmom.

- I love to workout.
-I used to be very shallow and judge by appearances in highschool.
-Some of my closest friends right now are not who I thought they would be….they are even better.
-30 minute naps are incredible.
-Cereal can be your best friend.
-God is my fortress and lover of my soul, always.
-Friends can be dumb and use you without you ever realizing it.
-Moms are the greatest.
-So are days when class is canceled; its like Christmas all over again.
-I like coffee.
-I am afraid to talk to boys who are attractive.
- My closest friends right now are amazing, and they make my Thursday nights amazing.
-I tend to bring awkwardness in almost every situation.
-Boys are stupid…..a common theme in many of my posts.
-The Office is my favorite show….ever.
-Oh, an Heroes too.
-I heart ???.
-Facebook is the world’s best procrastination tool.
-I strongly dislike Greek plays and all Greek literature…and having to write essays about them.
-I love my New Testament class.
-Learning the Phi Lamb shuffle is a whole lot of fun.
-I heart my Phi Lamb sisters.
-Giant cinnamon rolls+late night talks+friends=so much fun.
-99 cent Route 44 ‘thirsty Thursdays’ at Sonic is one of the highlights of my week.

Its raining outside. It is also very chilly. My parents are coming to pick me up in a few hours. I am eating a microwave dinner that reminds me of the airplane food I ate on the German plane on my way to Armenia. Wow, that was a really long run-on sentence. Needless to say my dinner is pretty decent.

So last night in my Sigma Phi Lambda Bible study we discussed Paul. Now I love Paul already,

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead…….

……I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Phil. 3 and 4

I guess these passages stuck out to me a lot because of what his letter said, and where he was when he wrote it. Growing up I had this picture of Paul in my head. I pictured him sitting by a fire, at home with his family, writing all these letters to the Christian churches. Little did I know how far from the truth I actually was. Paul was actually under house arrest, in Rome. He wasn’t home. I guess the more I think about it, Paul never really had a physical home. I know that sounds so sad, but when I think about it gives me such hope and peace. Even in prison he never complains in his letters, but only encourages. Wow. That is hard core. He was completely out of his comfort zone and totally at peace, because He had Christ.

I have no idea what God is going to do with my life. I know that He has called me to missions, but I have no idea where. But it dosen’t matter, because I am His. It is up to Him how my life plays out. My only prayer is that I will do everything without complaining, and only encouraging the people around me. Easier said than done. :) God may take me away from ‘my home’ and place me somewhere far, far away. But my prayer is that I will be reminded in those times, that I am still at home, because Christ is with me always. Or, He may send me somewhere close, but whatever the circumstance, I will give thanks with gratitude.

Passion

Business.
Studying with Phi Lamb friends for New Testament.
Bombed test today…..but its okay.
Coffee with an amazing girl.
I am completely excited about THIS.
You should take my quiz.
God is in control, and He has given me a peace about waiting.
But He does not like status-quo…something I have been thinking about lately.
35 more days of school.
I need a Nursing Advisor…..so I can pick out my classes.
I am thinking about stretching it out into five years…and having a double minor.
Minoring in Bible and Cross Cultural Ministry.
But it is still a thought in my head.
I still want a Jeep oh so badly.
Praying about how to get the money.
God will provide….even if it is 4500.
Thoughts of the Olivet Discourse and the Woes to the Pharisees are swirling in my head.
I was not able to talk to my mom all day.
That makes me kinda sad…but its okay.
Wow, that rhymed. hee, hee.
I really want the Sims 2 game….but I don’t know if I should fall into that addiction trap again.
Boys are stupid…..
I didn’t realize how bad it hurts inside trying to get over one.
It hurts….bad.
I need to get a new Wallflower for my room from Bath and Body; my other one ran out.
I need to go to bed.
Good night.

I love Thursdays. They make me so excited. I can’t wait till the next one.

I am getting ready to go have coffee with an amazing girl. She is a senior and a nursing major, like me. I am pretty excited….although I hope its not awkward. Because awkward moments tend to be my best friend these days.

Okay, I swear I am not obsessed with myself, but a friend asked me to put up a picture for her….so here you go.

I have decided that this is my “I’m going to be a nurse someday” haircut.

“Sympathy is no substitute for action.” — David Livingstone

I was walking to class and I saw this written on a bight colored poster in the hallway. It really got me thinking. Truly, I do this all the time. Sometimes when I see someone who I feel the Lord telling me to share the gospel with, I simply ignore Him and tell myself, ‘Oh, I’ll pray for them’. But the more I think about that, what I am doing is wrong. I can’t really explain what I am thinking, but it is making sense in my head. People can’t feel my sympathy if I only share it with God, they can see it through action. Truly God wants action from me, even though it might now be fun sometimes. Maybe that includes not quitting sharing the gospel with my birthfather, even though he constantly shuts me down.

~

I saw a homeschooler today visiting on campus!! Oh I was so excited! I wanted to go run up and give her a huge hug, but I stopped myself. Goodness it was so neat to see a sweet little denim jumper clad girl, with her family who had matching outfits. Sometimes I miss being homeschooled, but when I get little glimpses of young homeschoolers visiting school, it fills my heart and makes it all better.

~
By the way, if you EVER have to turn in a time card for any kind of job, PLEASE turn it in on time. If you don’t it causes your payroll man, or woman, to become stressed and their job becomes more complicated. It may also cause the aforementioned person to have to work late, which in turn causes that person to be late for class, and causes the professor of that class to become cross with the aforementioned person’s lateness. In conclusion, this causes the aforementioned person to become a VERY grumpy panda. Okay, I’ll get off my soap box now.

~
36 more days of school. Yes.

My hair is a pretty golden, instead of a icky orange, and its flippy too.
Oh, and I have bangs. hee, hee.

He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.”
Acts 1:7

So tonight I was reading my Bible, and this verse really stuck out to me. God has timing. Its a perfect timing too. I need to put my trust in that, that is where I need to find peace. This evening I have kept that on repeat in my mind.

Otherwise things are okay. I love my mom, and she is hurting. I wish I could be there for her…..but I know how it feels. There really is no solution to the hurt you feel when your best friend has turned their back on you, and is treating you something awful. All I can do is give her a hug, and tell her that God is in control, and that it will all be okay. It makes me want to bust down her best friend’s door and tell her that she is hurting my mom, but I shouldn’t, although I really, really want to. But now, I am praying, which is the best thing I can do.

Bye, Bye brown hair….

and hello blonde hair?? Hummm…not sure how I feel about it yet….we shall see.
p.s. my dad is stretching in the picture above, by the way

Goodness I am ready for summer to be here. Things are going well, although today has left me frustrated. But its okay, I just need to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me and not let them treat me like a child. Easier said than done.

In other areas of life…..I was praying the other night, and God asked me to do something. Ever since then I have obeyed, and have been praying daily for my birth father to accept Christ. Although we do not talk that much he has been on my mind a lot lately. It breaks my heart to think that he might spend eternity in hell. But when I try and share the gospel with him, I normally get shut down. So my prayer is that someone else will come into his life and be a Christlike example for him.

I get to see Jeremy Camp tomorrow night……

I.am.so.excited.

I have pride…..and not the good kind either.
I have let my pride get in the way of a possible friendship. Why do I act the way I do sometimes?? Sometimes I wish I could just freeze everything, and then rewind. But I guess that is life, and I need to learn from my mistakes…..and pray that God grants me a second chance.

p.s. Taylor Swift is amazing. You should listen to her new album.