Smooth talking, so rocking

Woahhhhhhhhh I am so tired.
Walmart pretty much owns my soul now, and it feels like I have been there for years rather than a week. It is probably the hardest job I have had and it stinks. Bad. My dad keeps giving me this speech about how he wasn't hard enough on me when I was little. And I'm all, whatever dad. Regardless, I come home sore, with cut and bruised fingers, arms, and toes. I've come to realize that as much Walmart tries to make you think you are cherished, you are pretty much employee #3,500 and not a name. But don't fret, they try and make up for it with employee cheers that we do every evening. We also do group stretches that make me feel more and more like Winston Smith in 1984.

In between sleeping, eating, and Walmart, I am trying to study for the OGET. I'm so nervous because I do not test well at all. I'm hoping to go pick up my grandma shortly after that. I spoke with her on the phone today and she sounded happier than she has in a long time. I colored my hair black last week.....my mom says I look gothic. I told her I hate the world and write dark poetry in my room so it will work. She didn't appreiciate my humor. :) I love the color though, and am going to keep it for a while. Apparently it makes me "look really tall" too. Go figure. :)
I haven't been able to spend time with God like I used to. It makes me sad because I miss it. Hopefully since my hours will be less I can get back in a routine of spending time with Him.

And because I think you read this: I'm moving on because you are either not interested or not ready. It breaks my heart to do so but I think it is best for me and for you. Maybe/hopefully our paths will intersect someday soon.

~

I just re-read this post and realized how much of this is stream of consciousness and random. I'm sorry, but I'm tired and have to be at work in 14 hours, so deal.

Love so amazing.

I've been staring at a computer screen for far too long tonight, but I want to get this out for fear I might forget it.
This morning was beautiful. I have 3 chapels left to attend, and I almost did not go this morning because I needed to get some things done. But I am so glad that I did.
But let me back up. This week is going to be pure hell. If I make it through the end of this week sucessfully, I will be amazed. I have so many projects that need to be done, and little busy work that professor's think is absolutely necessary. Some other personal things have come up this past week and weekend that have been on my heart and mind. There have been many things running through my head and I did not realize how much I needed peace.
This morning there was a student led chapel. Usually I HATE student led chapel, so I begrudgingly went.
But today was different. Today was beautiful. Chapel consisted of quiet worship and prayer inbetween. For those of you that know me know that I am not a fan of praise and worship. But this morning I sang quietly, and I sang from my heart.

What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

It was then I realized. I can only be whole through the blood of my Savior. No earthly love, no test grade, no good deed, no boy can ever give me the wholeness like the love of my Savior. So I sang. I sang as a young woman being filled with the peace of Christ. I felt as if my soul was singing, crying out to be with Him. Whispers of hope, understanding, and promises for the future were sang to my heart. Every new song that came was another layer of my heart's song. I left feeling refreshed and ready to face this insane week ahead of week.

So this week doesn't seem so bad.

Life.

p.s. why are the "read more" buttons showing up at the end of my posts?? wth??

p.s.s. a little over 24 hours till the boy comes over for dinner. :)

It sucks growing up. Really.

I'm having to make decisions now that I really don't want to. Temptations are here that have never been here before. My God is greater than all of these. I know this without a shadow of a doubt.

I've realized that these past three years have been a wilderness of sorts for me. My faith is being constantly tested and tried.

But once again...

My God is bigger than all of this.

Where, Where, Where

Why is it so hard to let God have control of our lives?

I am sitting on my bed, alone, and full of doubt and unrest.

I have no idea what I am doing with me life.

I so desperately want to do what pleases God. But the thing is, I have no idea what He wants. What if He wants something scary, hard, or demanding? What if they don't line up with what I want?

My desires need to be His desires. My selfishness needs to be stripped away, and that scares the heck out of me.
He knows the desires of my heart; a wife, and a mommy. And I know without a doubt that He has those in the plan for my future.

But until then where does He want me?

Goodbye for now....

Taking a break to rest....

I need to think through some things, and not channel them through my blog. Too many people are reading for me to do that anymore. Once I get things in perspective I'll be back.
Happy Holidays.

p.s. I'll still be on twitter, so you can follow me there if you wish.

And stay by my side, 'Til morning is nigh...

I have SO many things to do this week it is not even funny. I keep telling myself that I only have a week and a half more. I can make it.
The whole room situation has worked out. I'm so thankful. Three girls are moving in with me next semester, and I get to stay where I am.
This past weekend at home was amazing on so many levels. It was one of my better weekends at home. Sunday night at church God and I had a huge heart to heart and I got back on track with Him. It was also one of the best worship experiences I've had in a long time. I had to ask forgiveness from a lot of people and they were more than happy to do so. After it was all over I was filled with peace, something I haven't felt in a long time.

Help

God, please help me find a way to make this work.

I received an email from my housing director and he said I have to find three roommates by the end of the semester or I have to move out of my apartment. I'm so frustrated and upset. I honestly hate OBU. I still have a hard time understanding why God wants me here.
My options are:
1. Find three roommates in two weeks.
2. Move out and have nowhere to go.
3. Beg these three nasty party girls who live two doors down and ask if I can live with them. (One, by the way, is a lesbian and I am pretty sure she has a crush on me.)

I am so stressed, I just don't know what to do. Its frustrating as well because I know two of my roommates are lying to OBU and are moving off campus and are not 21. So because of their deception I am suffering the consequences. It doesn't seem fair.

God, if this is where you want me, then why are you making it so hard??

Now I'm falling asleep, and she's calling a cab

Oh Thanksgiving, you were amazing.....

Now back to the daily monotonous routine of school, work, papers, tests, whatever. Only 17 more days of school, not that I am counting or anything.
I bought new music via Itunes and am loving it. "California" and "Seventeen Forever" by Metro Station and Debussy's "Clair de Lune" are my favorites.

I am looking forward to this break. I feel like something exciting will happen. I could use some excitement.

Google: 12 Irish Tenors

This week I am spending Thanksgiving with my family and grandparents at a resort in the hills of Branson, Missouri. The resort is truly beautiful, as well as the time that has been spent here. Despite my grandfather's terrible and rude remarks towards, well, everyone, it has been a good trip. My brother and I have been able to spend some much needed quality time with my parents. Last night we played 3 rounds of Apples to Apples and all ended up laughing till we cried. I've missed moments like that.

This morning I crawled in bed with my mom and visited with her. We talked about submission in marriage and how hard that will be for me. I want my husband to be the head of the household and to lead our family. When people walk into our house, I want them to know that he is the leader. But, I am a very indpendent and strong willed person, and taming that has to begin now. I am growing and learning to be the wife that God wants me to be. I told her that I feel like I'm getting closer to meeting my husband, and she agreed. I know in my heart that it is all very near. But through all this; the conversations, the prayers, I always hear deep in my heart, patience my dear, patience. So I'm patient, and perfectly happy being that way.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Holy cow, I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. I guess I been in a writing slump lately. I have quite a bit that I could write about, but it really isn't anything that I want the whole world to read.

Life has been.....rewarding. My focus has been less on myself and more on relationships. Its been a struggle, but an amazing one.

I've also discovered that I can paint. Me? Paint? Yeah. Never saw that one coming. My roommate is an artist and an art major, so she paints quite a bit and it inspired me to try. I came home last weekend and started a painting and my whole family was all what are you doing? Acting like I had been painting for years, I was like, I'm painting, duh.

We are leaving for OKC today to have Thanksgiving with friends, then we are headed to Branson on Friday.

Hebrews 11:1 with Elohim in Hebrew.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

I've also found a pretty amazing boy. Now all I have to do is get him to realize what a great catch I am and we will all be happy. :)

So Happy Thanksgiving to all my sweet friends and readers. I hope you have a safe, wonderful, and blessed holiday!

Hey there spine, where have you been?

OH MY FREAKING GOSH.

I just had a whirlwind of emotions happen within the past 30 minutes.

Standing in the living room hearing my two roommates talk bad about me in the kitchen for 5 minutes straight.

Leaving the apartment and slamming the door on the way out.

Crying in my car, feeling hurt, angry, and alone.

Calling my mom, talking it out.

Going inside, no tears, only anger.

Washing the dishes, listening to roommate #1 apologize and butt kiss for five minutes.

Digging my spine out of the closet and dusting it off.

Going into roommate #2's room and telling her how I felt. Words were exchanged, mostly on my part. She just stood there like a deer in headlights. I was so tired of the crap she had been pulling all semester. I called her a name that I won't mention here, because it would cause my blog to become not family friendly.

Oh man, it feels good to have my spine back in place.

~
Edit: Okay so I do realize that this was probably not the best way to express my feelings, but I am still proud reguardless.

Edit 2: AND, we are going to ignore the fact that I have a Counseling major and actually have the skills to correctly solve problems like this. 

I've got greenbean casserole cooking in the oven for dinner....

I called my mom this afternoon, she is baking pies for the Thanksgiving dinner that we have with the Retirement Village every year. I like how they refer to it as a village rather than a home. I suppose it sounds less depressing that way.

I really want to write, but everything I come up with sounds lame and uninteresting.

Blah.

Elohim

You are Elohim. You are Creator. Imaginative beyond compare. You taught me to see the beauty in the small things this week. You are a God of infinite beauty, but take pleasure in making the smallest things beautiful.

The changing colors in a sunset.
A hug from a little girl who has captured my heart.
The peace that comes with Christmas.
The love I recieve from my parents.
The way my heart beats when I think of the potential future.

You love beauty that changes. You love the change you see in me. Although you are a God of change, you are not unchanging. Some days my world can turn upside down where you are my only constant. Some days my mood changes with the wind. But you are not like that at all. Your love for me is unchanging. No matter how I mess up you still love me the same. Oh how I love your nature! You yourself are beautiful and I love seeing and learning more and more of it.

Current Loves

• Romeo and Juliet (the Claire Danes one)
• My Super Hopeless Romance
• Looking at clothes online from Eddie Bauer and Lane Bryant 
• Finishing my projects early. 
• A pedicure and a pretty new red color on my toes
• A new winter hat
• Being completely loved with no strings attached 
• Chilly days and Christmas music
• The Harvest Banquet tomorrow night
• Figuring out the next few years of my life
• Snuggling 
• A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving 
• Twisted Peppermint Body Spray and Lotion 
  

It was that or chi-chis

(After my mom's mamogram and biopsy came back clear.)


Me: Mom, will you wake me up in the morning for church?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Will you wake me up sweetly??
Mom: No.
Me: Pleassssseeee??
Mom: No.
Me: You would think you would see the world a little bit brighter now that you know you don't have cancer in your ta-tas.
Mom: You're right. Because me not having breast cancer has everything to do with waking you up in the morning.
Me: It so does.

L-O-V-E

I love being at home.

The End.


p.s. Family Game Night?? I dominated.

Its Over.

Congratulations Senator Obama. I pray that you lead our country well.

I did, did you?

This week I got to be apart of something bigger than myself. I was free to make a choice for my future, my country, my life. For the longest time I was rather apathetic about voting, since neither candidates impressed me. But after I walked out of the voting booth on Friday, I felt amazing. I felt responsible for the outcome of my country's future. I was proud of myself for making an educated decision about the candidate that I voted for. I voted because I thought He would be the one that would defend my rights as an American to the best of his abilities. It bothers me when people say that a vote for Obama is a vote against Christians. I could care less who you voted for, that is between you and God. The only thing I care about is that you voted. In some countries people are not able to freely choose their leader. They don't have a voice, but I do, so why waste it?

So I ask, what do YOU vote for?

Brownies and Such

Papers are due, but I'm not doing them. Truly, I don't want to write about the effects of a child growing up with a depressed parent. Why couldn't I have been given the child growing up overweight?? Now that I could have related to. So now, instead of writing, I'm making brownies. :)

This whole time change thing has messed up my internal clock. I was all ready for bed at seven like a grandma. This semester is truly starting to get to me. I need to hold tightly to my motivation and not let go.

I bought a grape soda at Walmart today, as a special treat. Much to my disappointment, it was flat and tasted like cough syrup.

I go back to the cardiologist for a check-up this Friday. How are you feeling lately Addison? Crappy and bloated, thank you. Its funny when I go in, because my whole family goes with me. Mom, Dad, Eli; everybody. I sometimes am sure the doctor must think we are one of those weird cult-like religions. But they all go, which I am thankful for. My mom goes because she always goes to appointments with me. My dad is the voice of reason in our family, and tends to ask questions my mom and I would never think to ask. Eli, he just tags along because he's homeschooled and has no where else to go. I hate it when he goes though. He always gets this air about him and walks around like he knows everything because he used to have the same heart condition. I'm all "whatever, you were two when you had your surgery". It still never ceases to change though.

My mom met this man at church on Sunday morning, a new teacher at the high school and a supporter of our campus. Apparently he is to be my future husband. She invited him over for dinner Tuesday night. Thank God I'm not going to be there. My life is already awkward enough. She said God told her to invite him, so I can't argue with that.