Christmas was amazing. It was such a fun Christmas for everyone. I guess you could say this is the first part in a two part series of Christmas posts. Get excited.

Christmas Eve we went to the city nearby and ate at Red Lobster and had a family movie day at the theater. The bestie came and it was so much fun. The parking lot at Red Lobster also provided a great setting for a family photo op. (Although I look like a creeper in this one.)

Now enter Christmas morning. I so was not awake yet.

I don?t know why but my dad?s face in this picture makes me laugh.

My mom got a Willow Tree Angel. The funny this was, we bought each other the same gift this year. We both wanted the Josh Groban Christmas CD, and we got it for each other for Christmas.

This next picture makes me laugh so hard. This was after Eli had opened up all of his presents thinking he did not get a PS2. This was the only gift he wanted all year. It was the last thing he got. This picture was taken after he opened it, turned bright red, squealed, and gave my parents a hug and began to cry.

Last but not least is what had to be the best part of Christmas. My dad is one of the hardest people to buy for. My dad is very much Mr. Practical, so the only thing he wanted this year was a new bike. This spurred forth my creative side, so I ?pimped? his ride for Christmas.

I added a basket, two horns, a bright orange flag, and a license plate that reads ?Mista E.?

I also got money in the mail from my grandparents, an Old Navy giftcard from the birthdad, and a Macy?s giftcard from my Mimi. On facebook I got several Christmas presents. I think the funniest one was from my friend Jonathan because we both sent each other the same gift; a ?fancy dinner with Denzel Washington?. So funny.

It was an amazing Christmas.

yay for progress

Originally posted September 20th, 2007

Things I want to do before this time next year:

• Go to the ballet.


• Travel to another country


• spend a chilly Saturday afternoon at the art museum


• Make the Dean?s List


• attend a church service of a different faith


• Own a red pea coat


• Go on another mission trip


• attend an Opera


• be involved with a service project


• memorize a chapter of the Bible


• save 1,000 dollars


• Tell people how I really feel about certain things


• passionately pursue the Lord


• trust and obey.

Goodness. It is hard to believe that only a few more weeks and this year will be over. I cannot tell you how quickly this semester flew by. This was a trying semester in many ways, and my grades show it. I guess I am happy with them overall, but I do see areas that I need to work on, and things I will not do again. (Think everyday Civ at 8am) It feels wonderful to be at home, although most of us are sick. It is nice to be able to sleep whenever and not have a set schedule. Everyone is asleep and I am watching a movie with my parents, while snuggling with my sweet baby. It is so nice to be at home.

I have also discovered my love for Shakespeare. They are offering a class next semester over it and I am thinking about taking it.

These are my rain boots galoshes. I bought them several months ago but had yet to actually wear them until a few weeks ago. Since then I have come to have a sweet love affair with my rain boots. I wear them everywhere. They are so comfy and you can wear them with everything. (Including a red dress that I wore them with to church, much to my mother?s dismay.) I was told by a seven year old that they are not rain boots but galoshes. She advised me to call them galoshes because that it a fun word to say, I had to agree with her.

Life is beginning to slow down, but only a little bit. But in the midst of it all this is what is going through my heart and mind.

Will you come and let me be?

Can I be the change you want to see?

I want to use my talents,

And not let them fade,

For what use is a sundial in the shade?

The world needs to change,

and it can?t be done with me being here,

Sitting around basking in my fear

Help me lay aside my trepidation,

And turn it into your glorification

Your love for me is never ending,

So I will obey even though my future is pending

The unknown does tend to scare and frighten,

But with your love and protection my path doth brighten

Here I go about to shoot, the shot that will be heard,

As I go and spread Your word

Teach me to love with the love that only you give,

As I strive to glorify You in the way I live

Help me to live a life pleasing to You,

And not let my own wants to proceed through

I know I?m sinful, and sometimes unkind,

But with Your grace I am able to fit in Your grand design

Your plans for me I cannot dismiss,

For such a time is this

It took lots of coffee and several dance parties by myself, but, I finished the hardest part of studying for finals at 4 am this morning.

Earlier in the day my mom walked by and made the comment that our kitchen looked like Modern Europe and The Age of Reason exploded in our kitchen.

Note to self:

take a breath.

finals end Wednesday.

and if at all possible don?t collapse on yourself like a dying star.

I miss the history of Rome. I was neat and pretty, and you were easily able to tie it up in a bow and place it on the shelf.

The world just got messy from there on out.

Really messy.

I?m scared, but I?m back, and trying, though it may be oh so slow. No one may get that but me, and thats okay.

Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but

You, You are big enough

I, I am weak but

You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams

Come and give them wings

~

?For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel?not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.?

1 Cor. 1:17

?My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.?

2 Cor. 12:8b

I am so ready for the break to be here.

I miss my mom.

And my sweet Dyson and his coos and cuddles.

The seriousness of my health is starting to hit me. And it scares me.

I need this six week break from school to come quickly.

Have I mentioned how much I miss my sweet boy?

?I have stretched ropes from steeple to steeple; garlands from window to window; golden chains from star to star, and I dance.?

-Arthur Rimbaud

Watching Amazing Grace with my family.

Taking pictures of a sweet baby.

One of my new favorite CDs playing softly.

The Christmas tree casting a soft glow across the room and onto my toes.

Not having any homework to do.

Sweet phone calls from a friend.

Enjoying the peaceful moments of nothing-to-do-ness.

If the whole rapture thing creeps you out:

• Never decide to write about it as a Biblical Ethics term paper topic.


• Never put it off until three days before it is due.


• Never begin to write it late at night when you are alone in your big house while everyone is asleep.


• Never write it in a extremely quiet place that is near train tracks. Because you will begin to think all loud sounds you hear are the rapture.


• And don?t decide to research it when you and God don?t have the closest relationship at the moment.

Yes. I?m sad. I?ve checked on my family twice to see if they are still there.

1200 more words?..

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense

Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle

With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is

But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle

Are we caught in the middle

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You?re by my side

Loving me even on these nights when I?m caught in the middle

So the question is, how do I get out of this middle??

Somewhere between who I was and who You?re making me

Somewhere in the middle, You?ll find me

Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar

Sometimes I think I am scared to take that plunge, to give into that reckless abandonment. Why am I so afraid to be known by the God of the universe? Why am I so afraid to let Him have control of my life? Why? Because I am afraid with what He might do with it. Because it would require me to lay everything down, to be stripped of everything I am and be something new and unknown. This relationship that I have now is comfortable, safe, predictable. Why do you have to call me to something more? Something more is a scary place for me, I like where I am. Why can?t you be the God that I want, rather than the one you are?

I know that if I do take that something more, it means that I cannot ever go back. I like the middle. But I do thank you for loving me despite my Jonahness, loving me even when I?m stuck in the middle.

Hamlet, you completely confused me. But it is nice to know that there is someone out there (literary or not) that is moodier than I am. Because you were so confusing, I now have to take a test and write about your confusion and how it relates to the Italian Renaissance. So thank you. Thank you for stressing me out, because it manifested into me deep cleaning my room, finding a beautiful layout for my website, discovering new features on my digital camera, and organizing my bookshelf. Oh, and because of your never ending, wordy, hard to understand conversations with yourself, I discovered that sparknotes translated your complicated English into modern day language.

?rushing and racing and running in circles

moving so fast I?m forgetting my purpose,

Try to appear like I?ve got it together

I?m falling apart?

I don?t know whats going on, but I know I am not where I need to be. Well, I do know some reasons why, but I?m just not ready to accept them yet. Sometimes life can be so beautiful and look like its going smoothly, but in the inside its full of confusion and doubt. I know it will all be okay in the end, its just the getting there part I dislike the most. Its what requires the most of me, requiring things I don?t necessarily like, but in the end is so worth it.

I need to tap into my time management skills, and to learn to slow down.

What was a cough and shortness of breath turned into pneumonia. So I have been banned from being anywhere near people, and am usually on the couch or in bed. I don?t feel well and I do not have TIME to not feel well. Monday and Tuesday I have three of my hardest tests to take. I feel icky.

Okay, I?m done whining.

I have discovered several new CDs that I really like. This is one that I have been playing on repeat.

Back to studying?.

Things that make me smile

• Being squeaky clean after taking a long shower, and then getting into a perfectly made, extra comfy looking bed.


• Having a day full of productivity.


• Getting random hugs.


• Hearing the squeak of a newborn baby over the telephone.


• Getting an 87 on a term paper that you though you failed.


• The chilly weather that makes me crinkle my nose.


• Chocolate milk.


• Realizing you have so much to do in the next few weeks and being okay with it.


• Realizing that you can have all of your classes next semester on Tuesday/Thursdays if you want to.


• Going to McDonalds with your roommate to order a med. fry and a McFlury with free coupons, a cinnamon melt, and a Big Mac, and ending up with 2 med. fries, a big mac, a McFlury, an ice tea, and two large Dr. Peppers; all for only four dollars.


• Fire Drills at 1am. (not really)


• Reformation Day


• Being purely blessed.

Happy Reformation Day!!!!!!

I hope you enjoy this day by attending your local reading of the 95 Theses, or enjoy your own quiet independent study and reflection, and remember that you are saved by grace and not by your own righteousness.

?For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;?

-Eph. 2:8 NASB 

?My chains are gone

I?ve been set free

My God, my Savior has ransomed me

And like a flood His mercy reigns

Unending love, Amazing grace?

Grace. I was trying to fall asleep several minutes ago and was listening to the song above on my ipod. Do I truly know what grace is? If so, how is it reflecting in my life? How is it reflecting in the lives of my friends whom I know are Christians? These questions kept flooding my mind. I have heard this song many times, and I have much love for Chris Tomlin (if he wasn?t some 15+ years older than me I would definitely marry the guy?.kidding), but this time God used the song to speak to me in much bigger ways. I am free under grace. I am no longer subject to the sin that enslaves me. So why don?t I live like that? God removed those chains, I no longer have to bear their weight and burden. I have accepted His wonderful gift of salvation, but have I truly accepted His gift of grace? Why live in my habitual, daily, ongoing sin, Instead why not live under His amazing, freeing, never ending grace?

These thoughts lead to more thoughts about not just myself, but others around me.  What would happen if all of the people around me started living under grace? Would that change the way we act around others? Would it change our want to spread the gospel so others could know of this amazing grace?

Tonight I saw it really clearly. And for me to get something God pretty much has to write it out in huge neon letters. Its like a gift setting there for my taking but I have yet to receive it.  Maybe this is a new thing for me and it may not be for others??.  But yeah, okay, that is all I have. Wow, that took a whole lot of energy out of me. Maybe now I can sleep.

Until then?..living under His amazing grace.

?And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ?

-Philippians 1:9-10

This has been my prayer today. Its hard to know that you need to grow, but not really sure where. This verse has been on my mind a lot but I am not really sure why. I do know that God will reveal it to me in His time, I just need to be patient.

Fall Break was lovely, and much needed. I was able to rest and spend time with my family, and watch many movies. My team that I went with last year is now back in Armenia this next week and a half. My prayers have been with them. Its funny, I was shopping at Wal-Mart tonight by myself and felt the need to pray for them, so I did standing in the frozen food section of the store.

I want my love to abound, I want to grow more and more in knowledge, depth, and insight. Discernment is so hard these days in a world saturated with the idea of no absolutes.

I posted. Go me.

One of my dear, dear, friends died today. I got the phone call from my mom telling me that she had passed. She was a caseworker for our campus and a good friend to me and Ray. Her name was Mel, only 31. I?m still in shock that she?s gone. No one knows what happened for sure, they are going to do an autopsy to find out more. Friends have come by to check on me, and mom has called several times. I know God has a plan but still??she?s gone. I can?t cry anymore and I hate that feeling. There are many hurting young girls tonight, and I wish with all that I am that I could take that pain away.

??I was her pet-sitter and she helped me learn Spanish in high school while we ate spicy cheeseburgers that she would make herself.

I told my mom on the phone a few moments ago that I don?t want to close my eyes and go to sleep. She said she understood and reminded me to rest in His love tonight.

So much is happening right now. So many good conversations that are encouraging and purely lovely. Doors are being opened and some are being shut. God is stretching me and teaching me so many things. I have an amazing family who loves me and is so full of wisdom.

Lately I have been worried about God?s plan for my life and have been terrified of making a decision that does not go along with His plan. Then someone very wise told me that instead of worry and confusion I need to pray, give it to God, and keep following through until God shuts the door. So that is what I am doing.

So much has happened this week that requires way too much typing??.but, this weekend I am going home to talk to my parents about the application I filled out and am praying about sending off??..to apply to be a student missionary in Scotland for two months next summer.

Random? Sort of. But the story behind it makes much more sense.

I love God.

Lately I have had the wonderful opportunity to briefly study Early Church History in the Middle Ages. During the Middle Ages the Catholic Church (here catholic meaning universal) was very similar to the Roman Catholic church we have today. They had the 7 Sacraments, Penance, a Pope, etc. These were the Christians of the time. As the more I read though, the more it is beginning to trouble me. The Christian church then stressed (what it seems like to me) a very legalistic relationship with God, or lack thereof.

I don?t know if this is making any sense, but it is something I have to get out there, whether it?s clear or a jumbled mess. Moving on, after further study and asking questions I came to realize that it want until the Romantic Period that Christianity began to express a true ?personal? relationship with Christ. So my question is: How much of our ?quiet times? and ?relationship? with Christ is true? How much of it is culturally instilled in us? How much of God?s voice are we truly hearing and how much up it is us unconsciously making it up because that is how we were raised and that is all we know?? What if we are doing this all wrong??

From what I can see the relationship seems like that of the God of the Old Testament; very proper, ceremonial, and impersonal. But, growing up, I have always thought that because of Jesus God is like the God He was back in the Garden with Adam and Eve, personal, approachable, and loving. I know that He is these things, but right now, it just dosen?t seem like that.

Things I want to do before this time next year:

• Go to the ballet.


• Travel to another country


• spend a chilly Saturday afternoon at the art museum


• Make the Dean?s List


• attend a church service of a different faith


• Own a red pea coat


• Go on another mission trip


• attend an Opera


• be involved with a service project


• memorize a chapter of the Bible


• save 1,000 dollars


• Tell people how I really feel about certain things


• passionately pursue the Lord


• trust and obey.

?Waste not your talents. They for use were made, for what good is a sundial in the shade??

-Ben Franklin

?They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that Great Being who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for any thing, except to meditate on him? that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight for ever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; specially after this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have some one invisible always conversing with her.?

-Jonathan Edwards on his wife, Sarah Edwards.

This is what I want people to say when they see me. More importantly this is what I want my heart to be like, as well as my relationship with my Lord. ??.I have a long way to go.

You might get out before Beowulf knows your name....

I just finished reading Beowulf??longest.book.ever. I had to read parts of it in high school and thought it was extremely boring, but having a bad translation can do that to you. This time, I did like it, and it was easier to read than The Aeneid. I heard that there is a new Beowulf movie coming out in November that stars Angelina Jolie and Anthony Hopkins. Hummm, not sure how that one is going to pan out. From what I can tell they portray Grendel?s mother as a seductive demon-like character. What??? Maybe OBU has a funky translation but from what I read there was nothing seductive about her. Nevertheless I will probably go see it, I want to see their interpretation of Grendel, and see if it was anywhere near as scary as mine. Plus, I think that Anthony Hopkins is a good casting for the role of King Hrothgar, so maybe it won?t be that terrible.

The last few weeks of September and the month of October will be busy with reading Everyman, and then Dante?s Inferno?.two books that I have never read before, so I am kind of excited?.although I would never admit that to anyone in public.

There could be a million other more important, school related things I could be doing?..but I?m not. Instead I am looking back at old posts that I have written?..back when I was 15. Goodness, it?s hard to believe that I was ever that dumb. It?s funny to even look back at last year and see how badly I screamed ?freshman?.

??.and then I found this.

April 26, 2006

I had to write an essay for OBU, talking about my future goals and dreams. I honestly did not know what to put. I don?t want to find a cure for cancer, save the world, or go to the moon. All i want to do is be a Godly mother, a loving wife, and a missionary to a people who have not heard the gospel. I want to wear pretty skirts, drink coffee, and take my children to the park on a brisk fall days. I want to travel to a different country by myself or with a friend, and explore and go places at the drop of a hat. I want to walk the streets in Spain, and buy flowers. I want to be an encourager to those younger than me. To be able to help girls who are in that ?wierd time? in their life. When everything is confusing and the world seems mean and out to get you. I want to travel to new places, and see things I have only read about. I want to sip tea in a cafe in Paris, and go dancing in Italy. I want people to have the love, grace, mercy, and compassion that my Savior has shown me.

Since then I have officially been out of the country and gotten a taste of the world outside of my cozy little bubble. But most of this still rings true. Lord, did you have me see this for a reason?? Oh how I wish your answers were clear as neon signs at night.

I?m alive, I promise. School is keeping me waaaay too busy. Lately it has been hard to juggle school, friends, Phi Lamb, my time with God, and family. I have a test or a paper due each week until November.

I think that friday or saturday I am going to set some time aside to myself and take a long walk with my camera. Yes, that will be nice.

I guess things are okay, well in some areas they are amazing, but in others, not so good. I have a lot to think/pray about.

My heart hurts, but not in a melancholy, depressing way.

It hurts in a stretching-I-need-to-let-go-of-some-things-and-gain-some-others kind of way.

In a way where I know that I am a helpless sinner in need of a Savior, tired, worn out, fall on Jesus way.

In a being-an-almost-grown-up-really-sucks kind of way.

In a I?m-sorry-I-don?t-have-time-for-any-kind-of-relationships-or-even-breathing-because-I-am-in-Civ way.

In a I?m scared, not sure where you are taking me, help me learn to trust you, kind of way.

That way.

Friday cannot come soon enough??I need time to rest?..and think. I need to be like Pooh, and find a thinking spot here on campus.

509 B.C.- beginning of Rome

Rise of the Republic

133BC  Gracchi Land Reform

122BC- Medditerrian Sea became a ?Roman Lake?

-put laundry into washer-

Fall of the Republic

-Julius Ceasar 44BC

-Octavian, Marc Antony, Octavian becomes Caesar Augustus

Rise of the Empire

-put laundry into dryer-

-Aeneid, Virgil, Roman Values

27-14BC- Pax Romana

Five Good Emperors

Marcus Aurelius, Commodus

Fall of the Empire

Christianity

St. Augustine

For those who do not know, Western Civ is the hardest class all OBU students take during their college career. All OBU sophomores take the same class, and the professors teach the same thing, we all read the same literature, and we all take our first test tomorrow. Thus this being the hardest class, these are the hardest tests I will ever take. Well, it is not exactly a test. I go in tomorrow and read a prompt that the professor gives you, and from there I have to write an entire essay over a certain part of Rome?s history, with dates, and writers from that time period, and intertwine that with The Aeneid all in one hour.

I had the most wonderful birthday!!! I didn?t think this day would be all that special, but it truly was! My family came up last night and spent the night, and today we spent the day shopping and being together. I received phone calls from my lovely sister, amazing birthmother, and my amazing best friends. I also got 20 facebook birthday wishes and emails; it truly was a great birthday. It reminded me of how much I am truly blessed and loved.

Tonight I finished up some last minute homework assignments, then went across campus with some friends and saw an advanced screening of Miss HIV.  It is a documentary on the pandemic of AIDS/HIV and?..well, you just have to go see it. It really opened my eyes to what a cushy little world I live in, and how blessed I am to have been raised by Christian parents who taught me abstinence till marriage. I didn?t realize this until I went and saw the film, but was written, filmed, and directed by Jim Hanon, the same man who created the Beyond The Gates of Splendor documentary; which was equally good.

Annnnnnnd I?ve been tagged! 

The Rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their 8 things) and post these rules.

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don?t forget to leave them a comment telling them they?re tagged, and to read your blog.

My 8 Things:

1. I LOVE to video blog. It is my way to relieve stress, boredom, or procrastinate. Thus, they end up becoming very silly videos.

2. I have an obsession with pandas, and use the word ?panda? as an adjective. For my birthday my parents took me to Build-a-Bear and let me make a panda.

3. I have a journal of letters that I have been writing to my future husband since I was 14 that I am going to give to him on our honeymoon.

4. I am a college sophomore, have gone through 4 majors, and am now undecided at the moment.

5. When I was little, I thought I might have been Oprah?s secret birth daughter?..it never occurred to me that that would be impossible because I am white. I am going to write that one off due to my naivety.



6. I LOVE Billy Joel?..with a passion.

7. I am a terrible dancer, but that dosen?t stop me from busting some very awkward moves when I am around my family and close friends.

8. My goodbye phrase ?peace out cub scout? has apparently caught on around campus. The other day I heard someone that I did not know use it in passing to a fellow classmate in the hall. It made me feel pretty dang cool, for about a minute.

Ahhhh it is midnight and my roommate is sleeping soundly several feet away from me. How I envy her right now, sleep has decided to become my arch foe, although I am unsure as to why, I do hope that we can reconcile our differences soon. I have a lot on my mind, so I thought that maybe if I get it all out I might be able to sleep. So here it goes:

• I am content with my life at the moment. Although there are some things in it that are confusing, frustrating, and downright weird, I do love it. God has truly blessed me and is continuing to do so. I do love OBU and where I am at in life. I have an amazing family, a few good friends, and a pretty good roommate (even when she is moody).


• I unfortunately find my security in my friendships instead of my Savior. I think that because I struggle with this that God is watering my friendships down to single digits so I will learn to cling to Him. It has been something I have struggled with my entire life. I am a confident person, but I need to find my confidence in Christ. People of this world will always fail me because they are human, Christ will never fail me.


• I feel good enough to elaborate on my previous post written several days ago. I ran into an old acquaintance the other day, and although our meeting was way brief, it caught me off guard. I can?t think of a way to describe it without sounding stupid so here it goes; he was the first boy I have noticed since getting over ?him?. (And those who know me know who ?him? is, and know that he is not worth talking about?.so moving on.) I know that nothing will ever come of it, but still it was weird, and I over-thought it (is that a word?) way too much, and in the end realized that I am truly quirky. So there you go. Plus, I am taking a break in that area?..well, right now they all seem like stupid jerks to me, so, I guess my judgment is a little clouded, which isn?t necessarily a bad thing at the moment.


• I am sad to admit but I am hooked on the Jonas Brothers. I can?t help but get sucked into their sugarcoated, teenybopper music. Whats even more embarrassing is that my ten year old brother was the one that turned me on to them. Oh well, it does give my brother and I one more thing to talk about when we are together, so I guess every cloud does have a silver lining.


• My roommate and I are going to go see a movie together tomorrow night for our Civ class. We have to?err, I mean we GET to go watch the amazing movie Gladiator!!! Umm, so I am so not thrilled to go sit for an hour and a half and watch a movie I could care less about. Plus, I have heard it is way gory and bloody, and I am not all up in that. But I am excited that my roomie and I are going to spend some time together.


• Exciting news! My two amazing friends are taking me out Friday for my birthday! I am excited. Honestly, I haven?t told anyone this but even though I act like this birthday is no big deal, I am actually really excited about it. Plus, my family is coming up saturday night and spending the day sunday with me, so that will be fun too.

Okay so I think that I am finally all empty upstairs so maybe I can get some sleep. Maybe.

p.s. I make no guarantees how sane and coherent this post is, given the late hour. So take it with a grain of salt.

Wow, its September 1st.

Nine more days till my birthday. I feel like time is speeding forward more quickly than I?d like.

And I had one of those ?huh? moments the other day. It kinda took me off guard that I even noticed it. I guess that says I am moving on, but I am letting God take care of it. But still, huh.

I am watching Bandwagon on PBS with my Dad. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era. Sigh. I have got the traveling bug again.

I love how after spending time with God I come back refreshed and encouraged. I also love how God can use members of my family to guide and counsel me. My dad is so wise, I pray that my future husband will be as wise.

As an ?undecided religion major? I knew I would run into this, but I never realized how discouraging it would be. Lately as I have gotten closer to God, it seems like the legalism of Christianity have been weighing me down and getting in the way. After studying and restudying the theology of the SBC and Christianity for the the past year and a half; it seems like God has been less personal and unapproachable. Discouraged, I called my Dad and talked to him about it. He had some very insightful words. He reminded me that although I will have to read the Bible from a theological standpoint for my classes, I need to learn how to separate that from reading the Bible for my quiet time. I need to find a happy medium, where, in the end, it is just me and God in my times alone with Him, and nothing else. Yes people may have differing views over certain passages, but the Holy Spirit speaks personally to the believer and to read the Bible from that standpoint, and to not read it as a Southern Baptist, as a Calvinist, etc., but to read it as a believer yearning for truth. This may not make sense on the proverbial paper, but it does make sense in my heart; and that is what matters.

I?m like the Prodigal Son who has returned??that is returned to the School of Christian Service with my tail between my legs.

I have NO idea what I was thinking. I don?t think it ever clicked how hard BioChem was going to be. On top of that my advisor was so not helpful, and I was left feeling stressed out already and feeling way discouraged. I think that me being a doctor was MY plan and not God?s. All I know is that when I left after changing my classes, it felt like a HUGE weight had lifted from my shoulders.

So right now I am ?undecided? and back to having mostly Bible classes, which I LOVE. So I will spend this semester in prayer and seeking God for what He wants me to do.

I have come to the conclusion that this semester and on are going to be really hard on me. I told my mom tonight that I can going to need to hear ?you can do it? daily, because satan is already trying to tell me that I can?t.

I know I am a smart girl. But sometimes it is so hard. I know I can do this, I know I can.

Sidenote: my amazing sister made my weekend soooooo good. I love her so much. She is probably the coolest 16 year old I have ever met.

I don?t know why but the evil one is escalating. Maybe it is because I am truly wanting to follow Christ with a passion, maybe it is because I am setting out to pursue God?s plan for me, maybe, maybe, maybe??.

The prince of darkness may have dominion over this world, but God reigns over him and so much more. The Lord is my light and my salvation, of whom shall I fear??? Amen? Amen.

Besides, I?ve read the book, and I know what happens to satan in the end.

Sooooooo I am all moved in. It?s weird to think that I am an upperclassmen now. I don?t feel like I am old enough to be in college yet, let alone, be a sophomore. I really do love being back here, but I do miss my family as well. I guess you can?t have the best of both worlds, its either one or the other. But, this is where God wants me at the moment, so I am growing where I have been planted.

My room is amazing. We have the largest one in the dorm. I love it. My roommate is in a mood today. Its a good thing that I?ve known her for a year, and am used to her moods, otherwise this would be really bad. I know it will all be better in a few days, and I can handle them fine, its just that I wish she would let me into her world, and let me love on her. I?m not offended, because she lets very few people get close. And I do get glimpses of her heart every now and then, but it goes as quickly as it comes. So for now I am content in being her friend from afar and showing her my love in any way I can. Which means NO hugging, random dance moves, chattiness, or snuggling??.everything that I am about. We are so different; like night and day. Sometimes I wonder how God even put us together, then other times I am reminded how much I really do love her. We get along really well to be so different, and she is easy to read, so I know when to stay away. And she puts up with my random stupid comments, and those mornings when I can?t find the right outfit to wear.

Classes are going well. Civ brings out my ADDness, which is no good. I?m not sleeping well at night, and nightmares are invading my dreams. Bad nightmares at that. But my time with God lately has been good, so I understand my sleeplessness at night; satan dosen?t like the road I am traveling down. A few days ago I was planning out my desk calendar, and on the side margin I randomly wrote down a quote from scripture. I didn?t know the passage, or the rest of the verse, and really wasn?t sure why I wrote it down. Later on that evening I read my birthmom?s blog and saw a passage that caught my eye. That night I sat down to do my quiet time and God directed me to that exact verse as I read on her blog, and what I wrote down on my calendar. The verse was Zeph. 3:17

?The LORD your God is with you,

he is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

he will quiet you with his love,

he will rejoice over you with singing.?

For some reason that fourth line really stuck out to me. What does it mean for God to quiet you with His love? I found my answer, but for now I am going to keep it to myself. But know that He is teaching me silence, and I am learning to be quieted by His love.

So now that everything is settled and moved in, here are pictures of our amazing room!!!

The room when you walk in, and my cozy bed!!!

Closet

Door to bathroom, sink, bookshelf, and end of my bed.

Lisa and her side of the room.

Close up of my desk.

Bookshelf closeup, the top shelf and bottom one are mine.

Looking at the front door. (We have polka dots all across the tops of the walls. Very cute)

Bathroom door and sink, you can see me in the mirror.

Close up of my bed!!

My favorite pillows!!!! The red one with the flower has a really good verse on it. I found it at LifeWay Christian Bookstore for only 5 dollars!

So now that school has started and everything is settled I am beginning to see what my year is going to look like. Civ and Chemistry are really going to keep me busy. Its weird to think that I am an upperclassmen now. There is a lot going on in my mind that I want to share, but I have a mountain of reading left to do. Sooooo here?s to ?maybe later?.

WOW. That is the only word I can think of to describe God right now. Wow.

For the past 9 or 10 months I had been praying that a door would be opened so I might share God?s love.

The door got opened.

At midnight last night I received a text message from my half sister Alyssa. She loves to text message so we are talking over that and through myspace. It was so out of the blue, I haven?t spoken to her in over a year. But I have noticed that sometimes out of the blue things can really be ?God things? in disguise.

Thank you sweet Jesus.

Please, please, please pray that her sweet heart may be receptive and that I may share without being overbearing. Pray that I may be able to be in tune with the Holy Spirit and to her needs and be able to minister to her.

This has been a burden that has been on my heart for over a year now, and I think I might have finally received my chance. My birthdad kept shutting me down, and I felt very defeated. Maybe this is God working through a different route.

God is so good, no?

So this is what my CRAZY schedule looks like for the next week:

Thursday: shop for school supplies/ pack/ Speechless practice

Friday: Fish Fry/Speechless/ HSM2 (ha)/packing

Saturday: Moving back to bison hill!!!!!!!!

Sunday: unpacking at school/driving back to madill/ shopping for school stuff

Monday: Un Cuerpo/ Phi Lamb Recruitment/ helping my roomie move in

Tuesday: Rest!!!

Wednesday: First day of classes!!

Thursday: First Phi Lamb meeting/ getting ready for RUSH!

So it may not look too busy but it really is, and I am so excited about it. God has some amazing things planned this semester and even though it may be a really difficult semester, I think I am prepared.

~

I love having really, really good dreams. Can God send dreams, no matter how silly, to give you hope for the future when it seems lost?

I wish so badly that I could learn to think before I speak. Its what gets me in trouble 99.9% of the time.

End of story.

~

Yes! He loved her all along!! I am so glad that the book ended exactly how I wanted it to. I do believe it is my new favorite. Anne was so naive and sweet, and so terribly afraid that Captain Wentworth was still angry at her. But he wasn?t!! I am so happy. Now, I am off to start Emma. I have been told that I will like it a lot.

~

I have also been looking at some pre-med summer internships. I found one at Baylor that I like a lot. It is a 13 week program in Huston, and you get paid too. It is still weird to think that by next summer I have to start preparing for medical school by researching potential med schools, studying for MCAT, etc. It feels a whole lot like when I was in high school, preparing for college?..I guess you could say high school 2.0.

~

I leave for school in three and a half days. Summer, where did you go?? It seems like yesterday that I left school. Granted I am pretty dang excited about school this year. I have an amazing roommate, an incredible dorm, and lots of things going on with Phi Lamb; including rush week.

?LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.?

-Psalm 16:6-7

Tonight I found one of my old journals and sat down and went through it. Its funny how the things that were important to me in 2003 are no longer as important to me now, in 2007. I can see how I have grown, but more importantly, I can see the seeds that God was planting in me so long ago.

This month God has spoken to me a lot about contentment. I am learning to be content even when things are not exactly bright and sunny. Even in my journals back then, when things were going sour, or I had a bad day, the boundary lines still fell in pleasant places. I can see Him there, working quietly, and putting up with my petty problems and immaturity. Those seeds He planted then that I was unaware of are now sprouting up and beginning to grow.

Tonight I read through pages where I so earnestly sought the Lord about my future and what He had for me. Then there were other areas where I stated that all I wanted in life was a VW Bug, a ?hott? husband, and to be a CIA agent. Wow, how things have changed. My future has changed, and even though I have only gotten a peak behind the curtain at the picture He is painting, that small peak showed me something beautiful and exciting.

I know that my painting will be beautiful. I can see that by looking back, by looking the edges of the painting that make up my childhood and early teen years. Yes there are some dark spots where my selfish sinful nature took over, but He was with me through it all. He made those ugly paint spots into something pure and spotless. He truly has made my lot secure and those lines have fallen in pleasant places. How can I not be content when I have God constantly beside me and working in my life??

I guess to sum it all up it takes faith to be content. Contentment dosen?t come automatically, it is learned. Even the apostle Paul said that. It takes faith to trust that even though you may not be able to see God moving, that He is. He is always there even if it is in the background, or in the dark and sad times, or even in the times of rejoicing.

Those boundary lines in my life are made up of paintbrush strokes, and from what I can see right now, He is making it into something beautiful.

Last night was The President?s Leadership Banquet for OBHC. All four campuses, donors, friends, and family of OBHC showed up. There was a good 500 plus people there. Speechless preformed and much to my surprise, did an AMAZING job. I was so nervous for us because there are four new girls out of six of us, and for those four it was the biggest crowd that they had preformed for. But, God being God pulled us through, calmed nervous tummies, and helped us do one of our best performances.

In other areas it was a great night too. My family and I got to dress up (even though I had to stay in my ugly black suit all night), and we ate catered food and amazing chocolate cake while enjoying being in one of the amazing ballrooms of The Cowboy Hall of Fame. My dad and I even took a picture like we did four years ago, at The Hope Pregnancy Banquet. I?ll add pictures later today, although I can?t find that old picture of me and dad, which makes me sad.

On the way up there I saw a billboard for a hospital and it read:

?Come visit one of the best hospitals in the state, we have McDreamy too.?

It made me laugh so hard. Although I was the only one in the car that got it, so I ended up looking silly.

Bills and other mail is stacking up on my desk, and my room is look pretty cluttered. I suppose I should spend my saturday afternoon cleaning?.but maybe not.

I have internet again??FINALLY.

I cleaned my room tonight and realized I have a basket full of over 20 Bath and Body products?.and I bought a few things again this afternoon.

Apparently my left ovary is abmornally smaller than my right. This could be kind of sad, but I am going to adopt the cheerful philosophy of Nemo and call it ?my lucky ovary?.

He left it up to me whether I want to have a scope done. For now I am choosing no.

I have such peace right now. I had been holding something in side of me for years. Something that I thought I was the only one experiencing. I felt guilty. But finally I talked it over with my mom. God bless my mother, she is truly amazing. I can now officially say that I have no secrets that she does not know. That is a good feeling to have.

My sims 2 seasons game came in?..I am addicted.

*cough* I am officially out of Burberry purfume. *cough*

*cough* my birthday is coming up. *cough*

I found a Jeep for 1500 that is in pretty good condition. My dad and I are going to look at it next week.

I am learning to hide in His shelter, under His wing, be wrapped up in His love.

I found out that the boy I had been swooning over in my class is not a Christian?..which totally turned me off. Not that it was going anywhere, I simply sat across from him and would glance at his pretty blue eyes every now and again. Silly blue eyed avation major boy.

It has rained every day for the past 24 days. The bridge I take to cross Lake Texoma to get to school is about shut down. The water used to sit a good 15 feet underneath the bridge last year, now it is only 3 feet under. Yikes.

BUT, I am learning that ?If you pray for rain, don?t complain about the mud?. In all areas of my life.

Ignore any and all typos, I am too lazy to edit it.

Oh. My. Goodness.

This is truly becoming hard.

I went for the first time in several months for a whole weekend without any internet at all.

I feel so disconnected from??everything.

And I will probably feel this way till Thursday?.hopefully that is when it is supposed to be fixed.

Apparently lightening struck our flag pole and fried our severs at home. Thus we have NO internet whatsoever.

With school ?midterms?, the internet being out at home, and life just being busy, I am going to be away from the internet for a little while.



Because of this I am sitting in my car on the wireless internet at school, with my stuffed coconut that makes a wolf call when you squeeze it.

I want to travel so badly. My dream is to pack a suitcase full of journals and pretty dresses, grab my digital camera, and hop on a plane to somewhere in Europe?.and just be on my own?..for a little while.

When I was in Armenia I found that one afternoon I had free time and mostly everyone else decided to take naps. I decided that I would take that time and do some shopping, but I then realized that I had no one to go with. So I got brave and went by myself. Granted I slipped and fell and got several ?look at that crazy American? glances, but I had fun, and I felt grown up.

But knowing me I would unintentionally get myself into some kind of international trouble?.

so for now I am still holding onto that dream.

Edit:

So my camera cord that has been MIA has now been found. With it I found some pretty funny pictures I took while in the midst of packing up my dorm room. It was about 4am, I was taking the 500 word magnets off of my fridge, tired, at the end of a long and exhausting week of finals, and did I mention tired?? Thus my personal feelings came out via word magnet art.