Ready? Go

Oh wow. Another Thanksgiving here and gone. I've been so future minded lately that I am having trouble staying in the present. Today was so wonderful though, I have much to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for:

• my wise and amazing parents who love me unconditionally and are always there for me.
• my sweet brother with his crazy curls and love for video games. 
• my lovely roommates and our Tuesday and Wednesday nights when we watch SYTYCD and Glee. 
• my OCBF who has taught me so much about life and God by just living out what she believes. 
• the gift of music. 
• the fact that I didn't give up on playing the piano, even when it gets hard and I want to give up and cry. 
  
• F. Scott Fitzgerald and his lovely way of presenting the world through words.
  
• that one boy because what happened with him I learned that I can trust God when things make no sense. 
• my education at OBU and all the professor's there. Through them I have learned so much about life, God, and the past. 
• my sweet nephew whose smile and laughter is the highlight of my day.
• the fact that I am a girl and can wear pretty dresses and bows. 
• the freedom I have to read, learn, talk, and write about God any time I choose. 
• to beautiful girls named Carleigh and Brandy who make me double over in laughter almost every day. 
• boys who wear sweater vests. 
• my amazing birthmother who chose life for me.....and texts me while she's watching New Moon.
• my lovely sister/friend Amanda who understands my silly girl desires and listens to me whine.
• the fact that I am able to read and go on adventures anytime I choose. 
• the fact that my future is limitless and I am not bound to any set thing. 
  

Like I said, I have much to be thankful for.

17 will still get you 20.

Today on the way home from a godawful field trip I was riding shotgun with a woman who has begun to inspire me more and more. She is 31, fresh from a terrible divorce, and coming back to college to change her circumstances. Her strength and confidence astounds me. We were riding home in a van full of snotty education majors and laughing so hard we would wheeze, then laugh some more because we were both sick and sounded like chain smokers. Everyone in the van looked at us like we were crazy for laughing so hard, I get those looks a lot. I leaned over and mentioned that everyone was looking at us because we were laughing so hard. She quickly replied, "Who cares? I don't laugh for them, I laugh for me." I looked over at her and cocked my head to the side in wonder and amazement because what she said was what my insides have been telling me for a long time.
Since when have I begun to be so insecure about myself? Why is it that I nervously bite my bottom lip in situations that I am not completely comfortable in? I suppose lately it is because I have solely focused on my academic ambitions and therefore based my self-worth on how well written my Fitzgerald paper was. In class I become Addison the English major whose likability is all based on my wittiness and ability to write good fiction. I like that girl, but my self-worth should never be based on who she is. She fails, a lot. And at the end of the night she often compares herself to other wishing she could be better at this one thing rather than being happy for the things she is good at now.

A friend, after reading several of my short stories, mentioned that my writing style is similar to Meg Cabot.

I haven't decided if I should be flattered or not.

This fever is killing me. It rises and breaks twice an evening and I sweat constantly. A body temperature of 102 has been my constant companion at night.

I've decided to buy my hunting license. I'm not a huge fan of deer because of their shifty, deceitful eyes, so I figure if I shoot one then the ecosystem of the forest will not be at stake.


The End.

It was nights like these that I treasured the most; when the mother in 4A put her children to sleep singing sweet lullabies, while the girl in 3B would carefully put the finishing touches on her lipstick like a composer placing the final notes on his symphony all while the sky above sang its goodnight song with sweet whispers of pink and orange that made lovers cry and poets dream. It was then that I would retreat to the fire escape outside my 18th floor apartment with a mug of coffee or tea and watch as part of the city would awake to the long night ahead while others retired to a peaceful slumber that provided a reverie from the bustle of the previous day.
Here I was able to become the woman I wanted to be without the restraints of my suffocating culture or the expectations of my boss or friends; I was simply a spectator of the night, which pleased me beyond all reason because the night had quickly become a dear friend of mine that one of those silent types that is never pushy but always around when you need them the most. Looking back I treasure that night in particular above all other nights because it was the night that I was completely free and uninhibited from the stress and constant questions that my life had become and was able to breathe in the freedom of anonymity that the darkness had brought.
No longer was I Mercedes, a twenty-something working girl in New York City, I was nothing and everything all wrapped together so tightly together that you could not be able to separate the two. The questions of why I always stood out amongst my peers would fight to enter in the stream of consciousness that flowed through my mind, but never could when I was in the presence of my dear companion who blocked all sources of fear and allowed me to be enveloped in the stillness of his goodnight kiss. My relationship with the night created a beautiful paradox that allowed me to lose my identity so that I was able to truly look at myself and figure out who I was.

"Why do you like to swim?" he demanded.

"You always ask me that." She laughed.

"Perhaps you'd tell me if we had dinner together tonight."

But when, in a moment, he left her he knew that she could never tell
him—she or another. France was a land, England was a people, but
America, having about it still that quality of the idea, was harder to ut-
ter—it was the graves at Shiloh and the tired, drawn, nervous faces of its
great men, and the country boys dying in the Argonne for a phrase that
was empty before their bodies withered. It was a willingness of the heart.

Oh Fitzgerald, I simply adore you. In all honesty, I am considering dedicating the rest of my academic career to your work. The end. :) 

Why yes, my roommate and I do IM each other from across the room.

11:31 Addison

I really want to go to Ireland.

But knowing my luck all I'd find were the ugly Irish guys

11:32pmKatie

me too. it's beautiful. yeah you'd get the drunks who vomit on you.

11:32pmAddison

thanks. you are so encouraging

11:33pmKatie

ha. i'm of course j/k. he's out there. maybe he IS in ireland. let's go look.

11:33pmAddison

okay!!!!

11:35pmAddison

we should go to an Irish bar.

11:36pmKatie

ok.

11:36pmAddison

and drink Irish beer. but not a lot because alcohol hurts my tummy

11:36pmKatie

lol sounds good. i don't likey the alchey.

Completely Happy.

Oh school, I am so in love with you right now. You have been keeping me so busy I can barely breathe, but it is simply wonderful all the same. These days it seems like I always have a book in my hands and I am treasuring that feeling. Wednesday nights with my roommates watching SYTYCD and Glee is pure joy. God has blessed me beyond reason this year and when I think about it, it takes my breath away. And when I think of the future, it just gets even more exciting:

-Thanksgiving Break
-Roadtripping it home with my OCBF
-Owl City Concert
-Finally switching from Wharton to Fitzgerald in my Major Authors class. (I love Fitzgerald, he makes me swoon.)
-The New Moon premiere at The Warren theater.
-Seeing Billy Joel and Elton John live. I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS. TICKETS GO ON SALE SATURDAY AND I WILL BE GOING. Ahem.

Finished.

Closure

Smile my darling, for we are in the
company of ghosts. Lovers like we
have come before, singing tales of heartache
and bittersweet goodbyes. They try to shake
from their pain and out of their misery.

Your honeyed words reverberate through me,
as I picture a life that ne'er be.
A tear runs down my cheek, then six, then eight.
Smile my darling.

Letting go of your twisted symphony,
I sing no more. The notes die; two, then three.
As you bid farewell I see your true traits,
I was just a new canvas, fresh and blank.
I learned from you how badly the heartache
can be. With new, cautious eyes I now see.
Smile my darling.

Life, currently.

This and that......

It has been almost a month since I have posted anything of substance.......I really don't know what to say about that. This school year has been keeping me so busy....and I have been sleeping, a lot. I'm not sure why I am always so sleepy, I don't think it's my heart...but who knows.

So far, this has been the best year yet. It is hard to explain, but for some reason everything has just clicked. But with that smooth cohesion comes a price. Everything is truly a blur, it's like I can just blink and the day will have reached its end.

I honestly don't know what else to say.........


I love words.

I love English.

I love getting into such intense discussions over a book that sometimes people slam their books down on the table in protest.

And because there have not been any pictures in a while...

Our thrilling Wednesday night.....

Kelly and I with our super cool Doctor Who comics, with Katie giving us the "you guys are complete losers" look.

A shameless "I'm rocking front bangs now" photo. 

I promise this isn't becoming one of those lame poetry blogs

An Exhale in Time

Pink ribbons,

White bows,

A mirror reflecting,

Moments,

That fades into years.

Outside,

A bustling street.

Crown molding,

Kept everything together.

p.s. I got elected Senior class Senator for our Student Government Association. :)

Because I Smile When You Come to Mind


Laughter filled the late evening air,
as a gentle summer breeze,
with whispers that warmed your soul.
Joy was an old sepia tone picture,
that you kept in your hope chest,
taking it out to be reminded,

only when you needed it most.

Memories spoke,

inviting you to sing their song,

and help finish the verse.

Year 21

I'm 21.

Nothing has really changed....

But:

• I had a great birthday. God has blessed me with some amazing friends and family. 
• Birthday at home with some of my favorite people. 
• My Creative Writing class singing to me. 
• Beautiful talks about God with the OCBF. 
• Birthday Dinner and Girl's Night with my lovely roommates. 
• I won a stunning $2.12. :) 
• So many papers to write that my head is spinning. 
• Facebook birthday wishes. 
• Birthday nap. 
• Rain
• American Lit Articles that I don't understand. 
• Thinking about Grad School
• Russia
• Teaching in Oklahoma? 

Okay, so a lot is changing. But I am loving it all the same. 

My Middle School Experience: An Essay for one of my many classes

   I was 14 and in the seventh grade. Since I was homeschooled, I had most of my classes at home, but on Mondays I attended a home school co-op that offered enrichment classes to help accelerate my educational experience. Every Monday, I would meet up with my two best friends Michelle and Chelsea, and we would walk to Pre-Algebra and talk about what happened on Survivor or Gilmore Girls the night before. After class we would immediately go to the gym to eat lunch with all the other students. It was in that gray, metal gym that I met him.

    His name was Jeff, he was in the eighth grade, knew how to skateboard, and was apart of theatre club. To me, he was God’s gift to humanity. Jeff, with his multicolored braces and plaid shirts did not even know my name, but every time he walked in the room it was like angels were singing our own special song. I just knew he was the dreamiest boy alive.  Jeff also played the guitar, and on Wednesday nights he would help lead worship at our church. As soon as I found out this information, I ran home and announced to my family that I believed I was given the gift of music, and I wanted to begin to take guitar lessons as soon as possible. I remember lying in bed at night, imagining that Jeff would hear me playing outside our school building someday, and wonder how he never noticed me before; this girl who could create such rhapsodies that left you spellbound. I knew that as soon as he heard me play, he would immediately fall in love with me and we would get married and live happily ever after. 

   Several weeks later I began to take guitar lessons and realized that it took hard work to be able to play, much less play pure magic that would cause world revolutions to occur. Jeff went on to high school, so we were separated, but I knew our souls would never be pulled apart. But as time passed, I realized that I hated playing that instrument and decided that the world, and Jeff would have to learn to love me through a different channel. Even more time passed and I found myself losing feelings for that exquisite boy. A year went by and I moved on to high school and ran into Jeff once more. We made eye contact, I smiled, and he stopped and asked, “Hi, I don’t think I know you. What is your name?” Yes, this boy that I silently pined for in middle school, now officially knew my name. My life was complete, or so I thought.

Senior Year

This week has been truly insane. But such a good insane. The first part of the week was spent unpacking the apartment with my roommates and hugging lots of friends. After we got over the initial shock that our apartment is a total crap-hole, we began to decorate and try to find the best in it despite its sad state. I love my roommates, they are amazing, creative, and beautiful girls. One thing that I love the most about them is that they are not afraid to admit that they have faults. We are all human, and are not afraid to admit that we will have some difficulties living together because we are all selfish and moody. They have also been such a huge help in making our apartment beautiful. Painting, rearranging furniture, and adding plants to our apartment has made it look peaceful and lovely.

It is really nice to come home to a place that I love. Because my days are so busy. I am taking all classes for my major, and it is amazing. I cannot wait to be a teacher. Learning different methods of teaching is so exciting and I cannot wait to use them. When I'm not in class I am organizing the America Reads program while my boss is out of town. She usually handles the program and I help out when needed. But she is out of town for the next three weeks so I am in charge of conducting interviews, booking the rooms for orientation, emailing to make sure we have funding, and so much more. I'm not going to lie, it is so thrilling to sit behind a desk and have freshman sucking up to me because they think I am the one that decides if they get the job.

Personally, I'm staying busy, trying not to think too much through the day. And at night I'm busy ignoring the mocking and heart wrenching dreams of what will never be. 

Sometimes I wish I could flash forward to see what life will be like.

I love Senior year. But it is going to be so hard.

I wish you wouldn't see me as a kid. That really bugs me.

I love the rain.

The End.

Up and Down.

Up: New Hair Cut today. Just got it trimmed and layered a little.

Down: Expensive. :(

Up: Got the beast's (my car) air conditioner fixed!!!!!

Down: It was VERY expensive.

Up: Worked on my life project today.

Down: It was a new section and completely threw me off.

Up: Got to see a few friends today.

Down: I hate that I'm so paranoid now. I wish I could erase last week completely.

Up: New layout for my blog. :)

Down: Feeling really insecure about some personal stuff lately.

Up: Tomorrow is the OBHG Fish Fry.

......Sometimes, I think life would be easier as a Cheetah.

For those who like to keep in touch via email, or if you simply want to write and gush about how awesome I am, this is now where I can be reached: addison.eaton@my.okbu.edu

Apparently they switched over to Gmail, which made my day a little brighter. This way I can check all my email through my Mail App on my iPhone.

I spent most of the day cleaning, doing laundry, and getting school stuff together. It kept my mind busy most of the day, so I stayed away from overthinking things too much. I came to the realization that I am going to look like such a poser when I head back to school. The backpack I'm carrying is my sister's old Vans pink bag. I made the mistake of trying it on while wearing a black shirt, with my black hair, and my nose ring. I looked in the mirror and instantly knew I am going to get made fun of this year.
I am so ready to get back. I need a distraction from the stuff that is going on here. I miss my friends, living in an apartment, and I honestly miss learning. The feeling of being in a classroom full of people that love and appreciate literature the same way you do is amazing. Kendra and I are going to create a work-out schedule, and my roommates and I are messaging over facebook about decoration ideas. I get a hug from my beautiful OCBF in seven days, which I need now more than ever.

As much as I am ready to be back, I'm so going to miss things about home. My family will be a huge one. They can drive me crazy, but I love them still. Its going to be weird to sleep without Eli in my room, because he is most nights. And then there is Amanda. She has been so wonderful, kind, loving, and supportive these past few days and weeks. Next year she will be there with me, but its going to feel weird without her....

....This post is getting lame. I'm not liking where it is going, so I'm going to go watch Doctor Who and head to bed. The End.

P.S. Jesus, would you please send rain? I need its soothing peace so badly right now. 

Are you okay? Are you okay?

I keep hearing that question today.

No, I'm not okay. I am far from okay.

But I will be okay.

Today made the list of one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. My heart hurts so bad that I don't see how it keeps beating. Again, this is a reaffirmation that I should court instead of date. I don't want to ever experience pain like this ever again. I could have sworn he liked me. Maybe he did, but wasn't ready. Maybe he just saw me as a kid. I guess I will never know.

Part of me wishes he would have been a jerk about the whole thing, that way I know I would be able to move on faster. But he wasn't, he was so respectful and kind. I'm not angry at him, I actually respect him even more.
I spent most of the day in tears, praying, and asking God why. Why? Why did we ever meet? I don't know why, I may never know, but I know God has a plan. God is a beautiful and loving Savior, who knows my pain, and loves me and cares for me. I still love my God, so so so much.
I know the promises God has spoken to me. I am trusting him and continue to love him even when it hurts. His timing is perfect, his ways are much greater than mine.

I don't regret ever meeting him. He is in my life for a reason.

Its okay to hurt.

Because I won't feel this way forever.

God and time will make things better.

And then, I will be okay.

because you told me you thought you would end up on here soon....

I love how God minsters to me when I need it most. That I know what God has told me and family, and I am clinging to that promise. I love that God prepares me ahead of time for when things are going to get tough. I love how I find myself praying without even realizing that I am doing it. I love that I am going out in the country to go camping with my dad and sisters tonight. I am looking forward to going out to sit in the darkness and pray. Prayer is such a delight and a peace to me these days. I can't even express how beneficial it is in my life these days.

I love being prayed for by my mom. I love getting hugs from my second mom. I love that people who are special to me read my blog. I love that God provided me money to go buy new jeans that I needed. I love pink and yellow roses. I love the new P.S. I Love You lotion from Bath and Body Works. I love hearing words on encouragement from my little brother. I love Doctor Who episodes on iTunes. I love getting my school textbooks for next semester in the mail. I love Zebra Cakes and cherry Cokes. I love being told that my sister missed me while she was at school. I love the feeling when my heart skips a beat. I love trusting God even when things don't make sense. 

God,

Help me guard my heart.

I'm scared that this might turn out badly, and I might get hurt.

I know your plans are nothing but good.

Help me to not listen to the lies of the evil one, and simply trust that you have it under control.

I love you so much.

Love,

Me

I'm pretty sure:

....that if someone took me out on a date to Chuck E. Cheese, it would be the best date of all.

.....that I like my hair black, regardless of the endless comments I relieve about it being "goth".

...that babysitting is tough because I have this stupid need to be accepted by children under the age of 10.

....that I long to be married.

.....that I am starting to truly see that God's timing is so inexplicably perfect.

....that I am in love with my nose piercing.

.....that hearing a few words of thank you from a friend today on the phone meant the world to me.

.....that I get to have my annual date with the woman whose uterus I came out of. :)

.....that school starts soon and I'm so excited.

"Hey Addi, do you want to go with me to get my lip pierced?"

And that is how it started. Then it turned into, "Hey I might get my nose done if this place is clean". There are very few things in life that are spontaneous.

Ten minutes later I found myself holding my sister's hand tightly and hearing the tattoo artist telling me to take a deep breath. It totally hurt but I am so glad I got it done. Everyone thought I would chicken out, including myself, but it happened, and I am so happy.

Oh man, where do I start? God is showing me so much that my selfish heart can barely breathe. I suppose I will start with the story of Jacob in Genesis 28. After Jacob woke from his dream he states: "Surely the Lord was in this place and I was not aware of it." Flash forward to Psalms, David writes that he cannot flee from God's presence. The presence of the Lord is everywhere.
Anywhere the Lord is present is holy. Read that again. Everywhere He is, is holy. That includes when I'm in the shower singing Hannah Montana unashamedly, when I'm in bed at night dreaming about a sweet boy, even when I am with my family laughing at the dinner table. God is there. He takes delight in his creation. He loves all things holy. God told Moses to take off his sandals, for He was standing on holy ground. How many times had Moses stood on that ground before? How many times had he missed God's holiness?? It's everywhere, all you have to do is look.
You don't have to experience holiness strictly at church, you can claim it anywhere. Holiness can be found in those simple moments that take your breath away. It can be found around a table of your best friends. It can be found in the smile of a child. I'm slowly starting to see God's beautiful creation in a whole new light. It's like blinders have been lifted and I can see clearly for the first time.
Sunday afternoon I experienced holiness that I will never forget. The OBHG campus gathered together to celebrate the 100th birthday of a woman that is a donor, lover, and friend to our campus for many years. Her love for the girls is immeasureable and takes my breath away. In honor of her commitment, our "Speechless" sign language group preformed "How Great Thou Art". Due to some heath problems, this sweet woman's memory has significantly failed her. But as the music began to play, she started to sing. Every word she knew by heart. With tears running down her face, she sang with love.
As I sat there and watched I began to cry. The love that this woman has for God is amazing. God's blessings were displayed and His glory was shown. Looking around the room I saw others with tears in their eyes. There was nothing but holiness in that moment. It was beautiful.
Now I crave for my eyes to be opened to new and old exeriences of holiness. I want to be aware of the beauty that God has given us in life. I want to praise Him for being holy.

Smooth talking, so rocking

Woahhhhhhhhh I am so tired.
Walmart pretty much owns my soul now, and it feels like I have been there for years rather than a week. It is probably the hardest job I have had and it stinks. Bad. My dad keeps giving me this speech about how he wasn't hard enough on me when I was little. And I'm all, whatever dad. Regardless, I come home sore, with cut and bruised fingers, arms, and toes. I've come to realize that as much Walmart tries to make you think you are cherished, you are pretty much employee #3,500 and not a name. But don't fret, they try and make up for it with employee cheers that we do every evening. We also do group stretches that make me feel more and more like Winston Smith in 1984.

In between sleeping, eating, and Walmart, I am trying to study for the OGET. I'm so nervous because I do not test well at all. I'm hoping to go pick up my grandma shortly after that. I spoke with her on the phone today and she sounded happier than she has in a long time. I colored my hair black last week.....my mom says I look gothic. I told her I hate the world and write dark poetry in my room so it will work. She didn't appreiciate my humor. :) I love the color though, and am going to keep it for a while. Apparently it makes me "look really tall" too. Go figure. :)
I haven't been able to spend time with God like I used to. It makes me sad because I miss it. Hopefully since my hours will be less I can get back in a routine of spending time with Him.

And because I think you read this: I'm moving on because you are either not interested or not ready. It breaks my heart to do so but I think it is best for me and for you. Maybe/hopefully our paths will intersect someday soon.

~

I just re-read this post and realized how much of this is stream of consciousness and random. I'm sorry, but I'm tired and have to be at work in 14 hours, so deal.

So I am still tossing this around in my head, but I thought it might bring some clarity if I wrote about it here. My blog is a safe place for my thoughts....


.....I'm thinking about getting a tattoo.

Yes, I know they look weird when you are old.
Yes, I know my mother would be not pleased.
Yes, I know the dangers.
Yes, I know they hurt.

But, I think I really want one.

It wouldn't be some place where it could be seen everyday. It would be for me. I'm a little worried about the pain, but then I think, hello, I freaking had heart surgery while awake. So I think I could handle the pain. Right? ;)

I would get a quote from Shakespeare's The Tempest. It is by far my favorite play. This past semester I fell in love with the words of Shakespeare. So if I ever got a tattoo, I would want it to reflect my love of literature, which is a huge part of my life.
Option 1: "When I waked, I cried to dream again"

Option 2: "Be not afeard; the isle is full of noises, Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not."

I know that I have many lurkers, but no commenters. But today, I am asking for your advice. What do you think?

If you posted pics 3x a week of yourself getting wasted, posted your "which twilight character are you?" quiz results every other day, and/or spoke in all spanish on your status, you just got yourself deleted from friend status on my facebook. I mean really, who speaks enough spanish to understand what the crap you are trying to say??

I know, its sad.

Confession: A little part of me wishes I could be a Scene girl. I am fascinated with their hair.

Call me on that in person and I will deny it till the day I die.

p.s. Melissa, I have a feeling you will be the only person that understands this desire.
p.s.s. Thank God only 5 or so people from school read this. Ha.

Life is short.

So why spend it uselessly?
I was sitting with my grandma in her rehab room truly seeing her age for the very first time. She is old, and has lived a long life that is about to end. It breaks my heart to see, but I know that it must happen no matter how hard I try to stop it.
My life is going to end someday too. I'm not trying to make this a sad and depressing post. I guess I am trying to say that I have finally realized that I am not invincible. My days are limited, and I shouldn't be wasting them. God did not send me to earth to live a life of frivolity.

Life is too short to:
Laugh too little.
Wish for tomorrow to come.
Not enjoy today.
Play games with silly boys.
Fight over something that won't matter tomorrow.
Not smile just because you feel like it.
Hide how you feel because of fear.


God wants me to live recklessly in His love. When I abide in Him, there is a whole new frontier to explore.

So I've discovered I like polka dots...

Good morning world, or should I say good evening?

It's been a while since I've been around here. I've been busy with summer school, family stuff, and just being blissfully lazy. Its been quite nice. My birthday dress finally came in. That first day I treated it like it was my newborn child, trying it on for anyone and everyone who would pay attention. It is lovely and pink, and I couldn't be happier. I need to take it to get dry cleaned but I am afraid that the cleaners will have this freak accident and my dress will be lost/burnt/incinerated/kidnapped by a jealous fat girl/abducted by aliens and I will never see it again.
Friday we leave for our swanky family vacay. No, not really. We are actually going to my grandparent's 100th anniversary (or something like that), and then onto St. Louis to visit family there. I am looking forward to going to St. Louis, but if I had a choice I would forgo the family gathering at my grandparents. It will truly be a test and a trial to smile and act like I don't know I'm the black sheep and to love all the bitterness that makes up my mother's side of the family. Well, that and to not look at all my snotty cousins and yell "HAHA SUCKERS!!! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE!!!! WHOSE THE BLACK SHEEP NOW???" I'm pretty sure that would not be the Christlike attitude that is necessary in life. Oh gahhh, I just realized my crazy uncle who thinks he is a Native American will be there. I'm not sure if I can handle any more magic karma stones from "Chief Full of Bull". I'm sorry, I realize that this post sounds really hateful, but if you only knew my family then you would give me a hug and buy me a year supply of therapy.

Friends have been coming and going. I've gotten involved with my Sunday School class again at church. The boy is always there, making me swoon and become frustrated all in one. Half the time I find myself irritated and grumpy with him, then he does something that reminds me why I like him in the first place. We can never have a normal conversation without some kind of code/banter and it wears me out. Constantly we play a hot/cold game where he teases me like a little kid in elementary school. I get angry, and then he smiles, and the world stops. (Sorry for the lameness, its late.)
Other things have been keeping me occupied as well. God and I are "cleaning house" so to speak. It has been a tough process, but a much needed one. Every time I sit down to talk to God I feel like I am seeing what a terrible person I am, rather than feeling changed and encouraged. It is frustrating, to say the least, but I am not losing heart. Rather, it has been pushing me forward and I am craving more time with Him. Now, if I could just learn to think and filter before I speak, my life would be grand. My mouth is my greatest weakness and my worst enemy.

I've been clinging to the verse in Proverbs: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." I'm trusting God with my decisions in life. He is truly the only one that makes sense in this crazy life. His wisdom is astounding, so who am I to try and think I can figure life out? It is so hard sometimes to not lean on my own understanding. But when I trust Him and seek His wisdom everything becomes a little clearer and peaceful.

So with that, I bid you goodnight.

"Come and see, Addi. Come and see all the marvelous things I have planned for us. Trust me in the darkness. Because you have seen my power when you trust in the light."

 Whispers of promises have been spoken in my ear all afternoon. 

I love God.

As mentioned here , I wanted this dress to wear on my 21st birthday. At the time I could not afford it and it became sold out. Saddened, I gave up my dream of the birthday dress.
But this past two weeks I have lost six pounds and my birthday dress dream awakened once more. Tonight, I found the dress that I wanted so badly on ebay in my size and 20% cheaper.

I officially have my birthday dress. :)

Blog, meet "bad hair mistake 2009".

I have so much on my mind.

Past sins are creeping up and haunting me once more.

I've been forgiven, but still, it hurts.

But the only person I need to be talking to right now is my God.

Because only He can see me at my worst and love me all the same.

I know God is real.

But He doesn't feel real to me.

And that scares me because I am becoming apathetic.

"I’m going to make an island, and I’m going to let some people live on it- but there are rules. All the houses will be fairytale cottages, and all the girls wear white dresses and boys wear striped shirts like sailor men. There will be an enormous library and everyone will read all the time and we’ll have an old movie projector stocked with old movies from the 40’s and we’ll screen them every night. People don’t have to watch them- they can also go swimming or watch the fireworks show. Everybody will eat yummy things like milkshakes and gazpacho and warm bread and butter. We will have weekly dances lit by lanterns, and there will a someone for everyone. We will be happy. I know it would be corrupted pretty soon, but the idea is nice, right?"

These past few days have been weird. I've been really reflective and nostalgic and I'm not sure why. I guess it hit me that I am growing up. Time is moving quickly no matter how hard I try to stop it. My pastor said something today in his sermon that really got me thinking. He asked us to think about our obituaries. What would they say? Would it read of a life lived with passion?

I hope so.

I spent an entire lunch talking with my dad about future plans. I need to start deciding what I want to do after graduation. Graduate school? Moscow? Stay at home and teach? Become a rockstar? I keep juggling ideas in my head.

Whatever I do, I want to do it passionately.

I had a dream that you broke my heart. 

That was the worst feeling in the world. 

Please, don't make my dream a reality. 

Addison,

You need to give yourself totally unreserved to me because in me your satisfaction is to be found. And when you learn to commit yourself to me alone then, only then is the right time for you to be capable of perfect human relationship that I have planned for you long you thought at it.

You will never be united with another until you are united with me. You will never learn to speak and understand the true language of love until you hear me speak it. You will never learn how it is to love and be loved until you feel the tender touch of my LOVE.

I want you to stop planning. Stop wishing and allow me to step in and give you the most surprising and exciting plan that you can imagine. You are my child. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. Fix your eyes on me and expect the greatest things as you watch.

Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. Learn all the things I tell you and be patient. Just wait. Don’t be anxious. Do not worry. Don’t look around and feel at the things others may have got. Yours will be different because I LOVE YOU.

Don’t look at things you think you want. They may not be the things I want for you. Look up straight at me because you might miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready. I’ll surprise you with a lover far more wonderful than what you would ever dream of. But I won’t let you have it until you are ready and the one I prepared for you is ready, until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the LIFE I have prepared for you.

Love,
Your Savior

She did it.

Meet Addi, your official college Senior. :)

Currently:

• unpacking
• MASSIVE amounts of laundry
• compiling my summer reading list
• smiling pretty when I see the boy
• sleeping
• babysitting my sweet boy
• laughing

"Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. That's the way back to Eden. That's the way back to life."

-Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

Dress

70.365
Originally uploaded by .addison.

I am so in love with this dress that it should be a crime.

When I am in it I feel like a beautiful princess that can conquer the world with one smile.

Whether this is true or not has yet to be determined. :)

 

 

It’s Saturday. I think we could all use a little crazy Whitney.

"Be not afeard; the isle is full of noises,
Sounds and sweet airs, that give delight and hurt not.
Sometimes a thousand twangling instruments
Will hum about mine ears, and sometime voices
That, if I then had waked after long sleep,
Will make me sleep again: and then, in dreaming,
The clouds methought would open and show riches
Ready to drop upon me that, when I waked,
I cried to dream again." 
The Tempest (3.2.148)

That time of year thou mayst in me behold
When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang
Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,
Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.
In me thou see'st the twilight of such day
As after sunset fadeth in the west;
Which by and by black night doth take away,
Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.
In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,
That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,
As the death-bed, whereon it must expire,
Consum'd with that which it was nourish'd by.
This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,
To love that well, which thou must leave ere long.

               -Sonnet 73

Friendship

Me: My stomach hurts baaaaaad. :(
Kendra: I'm sorry.
Me: I think I have swine flu. LOL
Kendra: Well, if you do and die can I have your ticket to Lion King on Sunday??
Me: Sure. Thanks friend.
Kendra: No problem.

You want me to do what??

~

Oh man, God is teaching me a HUGE lesson in forgiveness. I'm not going to lie, its been hard. But through all this I have peace in my heart that is cheering me on. It tells me I am doing the right thing. The bullying and harassment is hard, but the conviction has been harder. Because of the persecution I am facing, God has been "cleaning house" in my heart, showing me the people I have been mean towards. Last week I emailed a girlfriend from middle school asking for forgiveness. Take my word for it. It is a humbling and not fun thing. Please, try forgiveness. It is such a freeing thing. Loads of weight have been lifted from my shoulders. Plus, who am I to ask forgiveness if I won't forgive myself?

Tonight was hard. I'm not going to go into detail because I know that might cause some trouble with a few of my readers. I could have taken tonight three different ways: I could have been rude and bitter, silent and timid, or bold and kind. It was a tough decision.
But I did what I needed to do, and I feel better for it.

Life lately has been hard, but I am so glad that I am going through this. I am learning to appreciate people and not take them for granted. I'm learning that a slanderous tongue is like a knife. I never knew how evil can cause such pain. It hurts me to think that I have hurt someone like I have been hurt.
It has also given me an overwhelming sense of the power of my Father. He forgave the WHOLE world! How amazing is that? He took every sin that I have ever commited and will commit and told me I owe Him no longer. I am so amazed and thankful.

Thank You God. Thank you for the beautiful moments in life. Thank you for the beautiful words of Shakespeare, coconut sprite, pancakes, love, smiles that take your breath away, and for the forgiveness of my Lover and Savior.

p.s. I hope no one takes this post as me being self righteous. This is not my intention at all. I just want to share what is on my heart in hopes that it will bless others.

Love so amazing.

I've been staring at a computer screen for far too long tonight, but I want to get this out for fear I might forget it.
This morning was beautiful. I have 3 chapels left to attend, and I almost did not go this morning because I needed to get some things done. But I am so glad that I did.
But let me back up. This week is going to be pure hell. If I make it through the end of this week sucessfully, I will be amazed. I have so many projects that need to be done, and little busy work that professor's think is absolutely necessary. Some other personal things have come up this past week and weekend that have been on my heart and mind. There have been many things running through my head and I did not realize how much I needed peace.
This morning there was a student led chapel. Usually I HATE student led chapel, so I begrudgingly went.
But today was different. Today was beautiful. Chapel consisted of quiet worship and prayer inbetween. For those of you that know me know that I am not a fan of praise and worship. But this morning I sang quietly, and I sang from my heart.

What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

It was then I realized. I can only be whole through the blood of my Savior. No earthly love, no test grade, no good deed, no boy can ever give me the wholeness like the love of my Savior. So I sang. I sang as a young woman being filled with the peace of Christ. I felt as if my soul was singing, crying out to be with Him. Whispers of hope, understanding, and promises for the future were sang to my heart. Every new song that came was another layer of my heart's song. I left feeling refreshed and ready to face this insane week ahead of week.

So this week doesn't seem so bad.

LOVE.

Top Ten.

TEN THINGS I WISH I COULD SAY TO 10 DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT NOW:

1. You are amazing to live with, I'm so glad I have you in my life.
2. It makes me sad that we are headed down this road, and I'm not really sure what to do about it.
3. I hate that I can't trust you because of your constant lies.
4. You are one of the most spineless, mean people I know. I wished you realized how horrible of a person you are.
   
5. I love you with all my heart, but you are acting kind of psyco these days.
6. Thank you for everything you have given me in life. I don't deserve it.
7. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I wish I caught your eye more often.
8. I love that you are seeing that he is no good for you. You are beautiful and lovely and derserve so much better.
9. Basically, you just suck.
10. The 90s called, they want their clothes back.
    

NINE THINGS PEOPLE MAY NOT KNOW ABOUT ME:

1. When I'm bored I look at wedding dresses online.
2. I wave at truckers on the highway.
3. I hate taking showers, but when I take one I never want to get out.
4. I still wish I could be an astronaut.
5. I have bad reflexes.
6. I am not a morning person.
7. I love to garden.
8. I hate feet.
9. I love to sleep.
   

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN MY HEART:

1. Wear a sweater vest and I'm yours.
2. Have an extensive knowledge of literature.
3. Be able to cook.
4. Write hand written letters.
5. Play with my brother if he asks you to.
6. Ask me to go on a long walk.
7. Buy my flowers for no reason at all.
8. Enjoy the company of my family.

SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND A LOT:

1. My family.
2. The future.
3. My heart.
4. Plans for this summer.
5. When I can take a nap.
6. Sonic Happy Hour
7. If I have taken my medicine.
   

SIX YOU WISH YOU NEVER DID:

1. Asked to try it.
2. Went to college far from home.
3. Got fat.
4. Slacked off.
5. Kept quiet.
6. Fell for you.
   

FIVE THINGS TURN ONS:

1. Intelligence
2. Smile
3. Integrity
4. Eyes
5. Voice
   

FOUR OF YOUR BIGGEST FEARS:

1. Being alone the rest of my life.
2. Birds.
3. Deep water.
4. Snakes.
   

THREE SONGS TO DESCRIBE MY LIFE:

1. "Somewhere in the Middle" Casting Crowns
2. "The Way I Am" Ingrid Michaelson
3. "Matthew" John Denver
   

TWO THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

1. Be married and have kids.
2. Live in a foriegn country.
   

ONE CONFESSION:
1. When I was little I wanted to marry Michael W. Smith.

Here and there

It has been forever since I have blogged something of substance.  I miss you blog. 

It is crazy to think that school is almost over. In four weeks I will officially be a senior. A senior? When did this happen? It only seems like yesterday I was a obnoxious and frivolous girl sitting in Cross Cultural Ministry with Melissa at my side. Even though I am going to be a fifth-year, I am still beginning the process of making plans for after graduation.

Things I want to accomplish within the next ten years:
-Teach overseas
-Obtain my PhD in Shakespearean literature or American Fiction
-Become a mom.
-Live in a foriegn country
-Fall madly in love
-Be in the center of God's will
-Own a cat

~
Today was a long but glorious day. I made it through the entire day with only two hours of sleep. I am pretty sure that is the least amount of sleep I have ever had. I'm still pretty dizzy today from starting back on my heart medicine, but it is remaining tolerable, which is good. Oh, and I came to the conclusion that I have a two-cup limit of coffee before it gives me chest pain.

I've got a pretty mad two weeks ahead of me, then it is smooth sailing until finals. I'm already beginning to compile my summer reading list. When I've made some progress I'll post it on here.

Here's to hoping I will have a better summer than last year. :)

Tell Me Who's Watchin.

Happy Birthday

Holy cow! Out of pure business I forgot that my blog celebrated its seventh birthday this past March. Although I don't have posts from way back when, I still am so glad I have this blog after all these years. Blog, I love you and am so glad you have stayed with me. I also apologize for all the brain numbing pettiness I wrote about when I was 14.

Today, a beautiful and dear friend blogged about love and forgiveness today. They were words that spoke directly to my soul. Lately I have been feeling convicted about forgiveness, but I am having a hard time getting there. Melissa blogged about this exact thing:

"This weekend and Easter has me thinking a lot about love... how love and forgiveness go hand in hand. You can't have one, truly, without the other.
Forgiveness, I believe, is the epitome, the pinnacle, of love.


Forgiveness is saying, "I choose to love you, despite the hurt. I choose to restore our relationship. I choose to be in communion with you. To do that, I am willing to love you in the pain, because it is more important for me to be with you than without you."

I need to learn to love through the pain. I know I haven't been able to come to this point because of my pride. I need to choose to love her, even though she hurt me. I need to choose to love her because God still loves her. To be quite honest, I'm scared about restoring this friendship. I am scared to let her get close once again. I've loved her for four years, I know I can love her again. I am choosing to love her despite the pain.

Gardening

Meriah and I had potting duty. We planted Oregano, Thyme, and Peppermint.
Tonight we are going to the FFA Rodeo.
P.S. I am a rock star at rototilling. 

Home in 2011?

also, I have a tumblr blog now. I'm going to give it a try. Mostly it will be a collection of quotes, pictures, and songs that inspire me. Check it.

mylovelygenesis.tumblr.com

I am in a bit of a pickle.

I love my blog. But, I don't have a lot of time to keep up my blog. For the past few months I have discovered the ease and simplicity of microblogging. I enjoy using twitter and have played around with tumblr. I wish there was a way I could combine tumblr and blogger into one.

Jesus, I don't understand your ways. But I have chosen to turn the other cheek, please don't let that choice backfire. I'm following you, and that is why this is happening.

WOOOOOOAAAAH.

Back in the day?? I think so.









Geeze, we thought we were so cool. :)

.....actually, now that I think of it....not that much has changed.

I love my life.


And, I am so thankful that I have kept this blog for all these years.

When I finally get five minutes of free time, I spend it doing stupid crap like this:


I guess its okay though, midterm grades are about to be posted and I will have all A's and B's. Go me. :)

Highlights of the week:

The beautiful sunset view from my spot in the library.


The smell of sharpened pencils at work.

Spending the evening reading Othello, my new favorite play.

Happy Monday

Before:



After:

Woo hoo for new haircuts.
:)

Lord,

Please teach me the patience of love.

Love,
Me

I want a love like Anne and Gilbert.

The End.

:)

not for the faint of heart....

My parents had an idea that it was back. Well, it might be something new, we are not for sure. A girl had mentioned she had seen it at night, and gave a horrifyingly graphic description of it. It breaks my heart that she saw it, she is far too young to experience such evil. In the past, our apartment has been protected. It stayed in the cottage and never crossed the boundary into our apartment.
That was until this past week.
Eli confided to me that he has been having nightmares, is hearing voices at night, and feels like someone is watching him. The first night I came home, we both had terrifying nightmares and have been sleeping together since then. Then tonight, I finally saw it.
I don't know what my readers think about the dark forces that are in this world. I personally believe that satan is very real and has a very powerful hold on this world. I believe in demons, and believe that they cannot harm a Christian, but they can do damage around them. We have had a demon in our cottage before. Sometimes it comes in with a new girl. Sometimes it comes in when a girl is making unwise choices. The latter is occurring presently.
The youngest girl in our cottage was finishing the second Anne of Green Gables movie. It was her first time to watch it so I offered to stay up with her to finish it, so she could sleep peacefully knowing that Anne and Gilbert truly loved each other. I was writing in my commonplace journal when I saw it drift by. It didn't threaten me or try to bother me. It simply made its presence known. It never came close either, it stayed on the other side of the room. When I saw it I was surprised, because I did not have any fear. I knew exactly what it was, but felt a sense of protection. I have a feeling that I was being guarded by angels and that is why it kept its distance. After I saw it I finished writing the sentence I started in my journal and calmly gathered my things and went to bed. I woke my mom up and let her know what happened. So her and my dad are going to pray and anoint the house with oil tomorrow.
It's crazy to think that the evil one has such power in this world. I mean, I knew he did, but he never directly interacted with me like that before. The Bible says I have should no fear of the terrors of the night, and I'm not. I know that I am loved and adored by my King. Since I am His child I have the power and authority to banish the evil one.
Eli and I are sleeping in my room tonight. I feel very confident that my room is protected, so until things die down we are sleeping in here. God is all powerful and will keep us safe, of this I am sure.

But, I am SO not walking around the cottage by myself anytime soon. :)

happiness

He makes my days so much brighter.
I can't wait to be a mom. :)

I made my blog and twitter updates private.
My two "best friends" and I ended up in the mother of all fights. No joke. It ended when I handed my mom the phone because I was so tired of their hateful texts.
It was terrible. I haven't been called names like that in a long time. It was so bad that I am truly considering transferring away from that awful place. I've had so much drama there, its ridiculous. After it was all over I was mad. I feel like a freak that I have had such ridiculous relationships in my life. I feel like something is wrong with me that I can't keep friends. I so want a clean slate to start over on. I want to be someone new that no one knows.

I don't want them creeping on my blog and twitter looking for ammunition. I'm their new enemy. They actually told me that too. So until things die down only the people I know, love, and trust and allowed to read my thoughts.

Geeze, I so want away from this place.

Lord, can I please have a fresh start somewhere new??

I've had so much drama at OBU these past three years, I'm sick of it. 

This can't possibly be where you want me. Life is miserable there. 

Love,

Me

texting

Be still my heart.

Boy, you are SO worthy. :)

God, I'm starting to lose hope.


What do I do?

I give up.

I deleted my facebook and twitter.

For right now, I need to be away from all the influences around me that are not good.

God is breaking me and molding me into something new.

He is stripping me of people I hold dear. It hurts so bad, but I know it is for the best. They are not the best influences for me, and I saw it coming. I tried to fight it, but in the end I knew I had no choice.

I will still have my blog/flickr page.

For now I am hoping and praying that God will work my future out.

For He brings peace that is not of this world.

If you need me, I still have my email address. And you can text me if you have my number.

[addison dot eaton at gmail dot com]

And the award for "Worst Week" goes to....

Me, hands down. I so win.

My heart is heavy. I still cannot believe it all happened that fast. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out of my chest and sold to some black market organ business. A 5 year friend ship down the drain because I was supposedly talking about her. People, I was no involved. I could not have been less involved. My mouth was shut the entire time and yet I came out the bad guy, and lost a best friend. I guess I should not be too sad. I mean, I losing a person that removed me as her friend from myspace/facebook instead of talking to me. Hello, middle school called and they want their drama back.
But still, I was the hypocritical one, the fake one, the one causing all the drama. Gah. I still don't get it. Maybe she was just looking for an excuse to end it?
Regardless, it still ended. We signed the divorce papers and I picked up all my stuff from her house. Everything she had borrowed I took back. Even the condoms I let her have. Ha. Yes. I took those bad boys back. As ridiculous as it sounds, I didn't want to be the one giving her an incentive to go sleep around. But after it was all said and done, I'm still sad. I miss her.
I'm still angry. Very, very, very angry. I know if I let go of my anger that means I am going to have to begin to forgive her. Heck, I SO don't want to go there. This is going to be a hard thing to forgive. God still loves her. I need to too.
At least the worst of it is over. I'm now spending the weekend resting and enjoying the peace. I need peace.

You know....maybe God allowed this to happen to bring me closer to Him.

I exist.

A man said to the universe:
"Sir I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."

 --Stephen Crane

In other news, I found this blog. This girl is so hardcore.
When I become a mom, this is who I want to be. 

Hurt.
Betrayed.
5 years down the drain.
Used.
Abused.
Wasted.

I need sleep so I can get up and study. But all I can do is lay in bed and think about what happened. I'm angry and hurt. Then I start to cry. She's not worth my tears. Especially if she is going to throw away our friendship over a rumor that isn't even true.

I need sleep.

And a vacation.

A very loooooong vacation.

Birthday Dress Potentials

Option #3


I think this may be our winner. :) We shall see.

Birthday Dress Potentials

Here are some candidates:


Macy's -Suzi Chen


Macy's -Donna Morgan

Birthday Dress

I'm on the hunt for the perfect dress.

It has to be:
-pretty
-have silk/lace
-elegant
-knee length

This isn't going to be just dress. It is going to be my birthday dress. I've made a promise to myself that I am NOT going to be fat and 21. That's just not going to happen. I've been looking farward to turning 21 for years now. I honestly have no idea what I will be doing that night, but whatever it is I WILL be wearing my birthday dress. :)

As soon as I find the dress I will post it. :) Keep your eyes peeled as well. I'm currently taking applications for dress hunters. If you find anything beautiful, email me the link.

I'm sorry

I've got to get some stuff off my chest:


I'm sorry that I tried to talk to you but you would not listen.
I'm sorry that I'm struggling too.
I'm sorry that I removed myself from our friendship because you are in a downward spiral.
I'm sorry that I am struggling with alcohol and going to clubs and it worsens it when I'm around you.
I'm sorry that you are choosing to do that.
I'm sorry that I am not in a good place right now and you only pull me down even more.
I'm sorry that you are willing to give yourself over to a man who is not a Christan and gets wasted every weekend because you desperately want to be married. That's just sad.
Yes I love you.
Yes I am praying for you.
Yes, I don't trust you, therefore I am removing myself.
That does not make me a bad guy.
You are the one creating your own drama, not me.

Thinking about possibly updating my camera to a Canon Rebel.

:)