My Lovely Genesis

"I am nothing, and He is everything. Nothing here is truly mine, it is all his. So why am I here? To worship him."

This has been my hearts song lately. I will admit, it hasn't been fun, or all together a good feeling. It has had me in tears, hurting, or sometimes laughing. I rejoice that I am finally learning this, but with this learning, comes evil trying to bring me down. It seems like Satan has been using every trick he has to bring me down. I am in a place where I am almost raw. Does this make sense? To be completely filled with the Holy Spirit, I need to give Christ everything. I have had problems with that lately. Today I felt God speaking to me, words I didn't exactly want to hear, "Addi, you need to give everything to me. There will come a time when you will have to fully depend on me, the thing you have been unwilling to do. Nothing here is yours, its mine. Humble yourself and come to me. I am doing this because I love you."
What is going to happen? I don't know. But I do know that I am not passionate about him like I used to be, I am not being filled with the Holy Spirit. That breaks my heart, because I know the reason why. I haven't given everything to him. There are some things I have been holding back because I am afraid. Afraid because if I give it to him, it is something I cannot control.
I am only here to worship him. You would think that would give me some kind of peace and freedom. But Satan is using it against me, and I hate it. He is sending thoughts of fear, and confinement into my head. This has become my daily battle, to fight off his attacks. I know I am not alone, but it still is so hard. I feel like Christianity has become such a messy thing. I want to go back to that child-like faith I had once before.
What is going to happen? I don't know. Will He take something away? I have a feeling he will. But all I ask is to have the endurance, patience and the perspective of Job.

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My headaches are coming back. Just as bad as they were when I was a child. I had such a painful one today that is scared me how bad it hurt.