Heart stuff

My heart is hurting tonight for two of my dear friends.

One is hurting because her love caused her pain.

She is my OCBF, my randomness, my person. I want to fix everything for her. I wish I could have made this night beautiful for her. I love her so.

The other is hurting because her sweet baby is now in heaven playing with Jesus. She found out tonight that he was a little boy.

Last night I patted her tummy and spoke sweetly to him, now he is perfectly happy, he is whole. I have no idea how she is feeling right now. I can't even imagine the pain. It so makes me wish I was already a PA. I could have kept a watchful eye on her, I could have helped her.


I know these things did not surprise God at all. I know He has a plan.
I wish I could take their pain away, but I know I can't. But I can pray, because honestly, that is the best thing I can do.

~

I am home. I cannot express my joy and happiness. There is so much about being at home that I love.
School ended on Wednesday. I hate the way it ended, but I can't change that fact. Me and my stupid mouth hurt my favorite civ professor's feelings. I so didn't mean to, but I was pretty sad and disappointed. Once I left his office I realized what I did and I wanted to hide forever, I felt so bad. I cried through my next test because I felt so guilty. So after my test I ended up apologizing/crying in his office. I'm pretty sure he thinks I am a mental case now. Looking back on it, it makes me laugh, because I am pretty sure he got the emotional fallout of finals week stress. I'm so stupid sometimes. :) Hopefully we can laugh about it down the road, that is, if he dosen't have a restraining order against me. :)
This semester wore me out mentally/emotionally/physically. I knew my heart made me feel pretty bad this semester, but I guess I didn't realize how bad. I went to go say goodbye to the professor that I work for on Wednesday afternoon. She is amazing, and is like a substitute grandmother for me at school. She had known about my heart condition, and when I told her that I was unable to go to Scotland this summer, she had big tears in her eyes. "Addison," she said, "I know you wanted to go to Scotland so badly, but, your heart has changed you. I miss my sunshine Addison. I haven't seen her since last fall. You used to come in here with a smile and laughter. This semester you haven't been yourself at all. You need to stop and take care of yourself." It made me cry. I hadn't realized how much it effected me, and the people around me. I didn't give 100% this semester in my classes, work, anywhere. It was a horrible feeling and I hated it. So in a way, it was good. It was good to see the concern, to face the disappointment head on. I needed it. Because now, I am so ready to be my old self again. To actually wake up in the morning and not feel like I have run 5 marathons, even though I get 9+ hours of sleep a night.
I want to be 'sunshine Addison' again.
And that makes me really excited. :)

~
I love life. Have I mentioned that lately??
I watched a show tonight on the science channel about Kim Peek, the savant that the movie Rain Man was based on. He is a pretty amazing man. After watching it I asked my mom if I had autism and they just never told me, because it would explain my social awkwardness. She just looked at me and shook her head. :) I love life.

Oh yeah, I just remembered I have dyslexia. Sometimes I forget that. I forget that is why I can be clumsy, am a horrible speller, have issues with eye contact, get my lowercase P's and Q's mixed up, and have an amazingly bad short term memory. And it does make me a little socially awkward, but I think that is more in my head than anything. I guess growing up I learned to live with it and it never was that big of a deal to me. Unless, someone asked me to pass them something that was on my right, then things got interesting. People always seem so interested when they find out I am dyslexic, like I have special powers or something. Its never really been that big of a deal to me, but it does make a GREAT conversation starter. :) And, I do take pride in the fact that although I do make less than stellar grades, my IQ is a good 20 points higher than most people.
Wow, this post turned out to be a lot different than what I anticipated.

I guess it would be cool if dyslexic people could shoot lasers or something.
Hummm, I should talk to God about that when I get to heaven.