disclaimer

I don't know how else to put it except this way, so sorry if I offend anyone.

All this news is scaring the hell out of me.

Atrial tachycardia?

Miss Eaton, you have two choices:
Medicine for life that might not even work?
Ablation surgery that would require me to be put under for 14+ hours?

I don't know.
I told my mom this morning that I feel like this isn't happening to me, like its happening to someone else. She told me not to worry, that it will all go okay. Its bad. I know she thinks its bad, but won't tell me. I saw the tears she cried when my brother had to have it done. She says that it will all go okay like his. But it is different, mine has a lower success rate.

Yes, I know God is in control.
But at this point, I don't even feel God at all.
Maybe its because I'm mad and have pushed Him away.
Maybe He has just withdrawn for a reason.

I'm just tired. Tired of battling temptation. Tired of feeling guilty when I forget to spend time with God. Tired of failing when I try so hard to be close.

I know everything will work out, but I need to be bitter for the time being.