I am made for something so much greater than this.

That gentle reminder brought peace that passes all understanding.

This isn't the end.

I just had to be brought to the point where I was broken down into nothing.

It was then that I had nothing to give to God but me and me only.

But you know what the cool thing is?

That is all He wanted.

There is so much more to this story, but I will share later.

I am loved and wanted by an amazing Savior.

Its not just a river in Africa....

I'm coping....but not really.

I make jokes about it and things like that, but when people try to ask me questions about my upcoming surgery I usually end up giving one word answers and change the subject.
I know its so not healthy, but its working for me.
I tried looking up my type of heart condition online last night, but I don't know the exact type of condition that I have. It may sound strange, but for me to accept all this, I really need for it to have a name.
It dosen't feel like it is happening to me. It dosen't seem like in less than 3 weeks I will place my life in the hands of a team of physicians. I don't feel like I am about to have an operation costing over $1 million. Geez. I'm so jacked up.
In my psychology textbook there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think I have gone through the first four several times. I haven't reached acceptance quite yet. I guess the only way to describe it is that I feel numb.
Yeah.

Me and denial?? We're pretty much BFF. We are thinking about getting matching tattoos.

Wheezey

"Doesn't it strike you as odd that you and I have developed such a deep, substantial connection, here, in Tokyo? This is the city that flies by in brilliant reds and yellows. So why us?"

Then I woke up...

How the heck I come up with some of my dreams??? I'm pretty sure I know nothing about Tokyo, and whether or not it flies by in various colours.

Note to self: remember when you come home in the summer time, your sleeping schedule is very different to that of the rest of the household.

So then??? How about entertaining myself while trying to stay warm in the arctic tundra of a house that I live in?? I'm not going to lie, I've missed this.



I've also been spending my days reading the Twilight Series (LOVE, LOVE, LOVE- thank you K and M), and baby-sitting my favourite boy in the universe (that is under the age of one), while his mommy is working at her very first job. He and I were both very, very sick today. It was so sad. I with bronchitis, he with a double ear infection. Mom helped out when she could, but I spent most of the afternoon trying to appease his poor little infected body. But every other day has been wonderful. He is my sunshine and joy in the afternoons. He is learning and growing into his personality, but is also so much of a baby too. I think he is cute, and he thinks I am funny, so we get along great.

I love being at home. It is amazing. Except for me being sick. I hate being sick, I get so sad and grumpy. My bronchitis is so bad that I wheeze when I breathe, and get into long coughing fits if someone makes me laugh. Usually, this is all tolerable, BUT, I normally forget that I wheeze, because I can't feel it, and I am in rooms that are nosy most of the time. So when it comes time that I am by myself, I end up scaring the crap out of myself when I wheeze. This has happened a good four times today. Seriously. Not even ten minutes ago I got scared because it was quiet, and I heard myself wheeze and thought some Darth Vader/Emphysema Rapist was coming to get me. It is so sad.

So I am pretty sure that this post is full of run-on sentences, and way too many commas. But oh well, I am tired.

Night.

It has been two weeks since I made the decision. Although becoming a vegetarian is something that my parents think is silly, I am proud of myself.


I miss my OCBF and Kelly. They are about the only two things that I miss about OBU.....yep, thats pretty much it. Gah, if I wasn't getting an amazing education at OBU, I would so be out of there. I love my family.....and reading for fun. :)

Heart stuff

My heart is hurting tonight for two of my dear friends.

One is hurting because her love caused her pain.

She is my OCBF, my randomness, my person. I want to fix everything for her. I wish I could have made this night beautiful for her. I love her so.

The other is hurting because her sweet baby is now in heaven playing with Jesus. She found out tonight that he was a little boy.

Last night I patted her tummy and spoke sweetly to him, now he is perfectly happy, he is whole. I have no idea how she is feeling right now. I can't even imagine the pain. It so makes me wish I was already a PA. I could have kept a watchful eye on her, I could have helped her.


I know these things did not surprise God at all. I know He has a plan.
I wish I could take their pain away, but I know I can't. But I can pray, because honestly, that is the best thing I can do.

~

I am home. I cannot express my joy and happiness. There is so much about being at home that I love.
School ended on Wednesday. I hate the way it ended, but I can't change that fact. Me and my stupid mouth hurt my favorite civ professor's feelings. I so didn't mean to, but I was pretty sad and disappointed. Once I left his office I realized what I did and I wanted to hide forever, I felt so bad. I cried through my next test because I felt so guilty. So after my test I ended up apologizing/crying in his office. I'm pretty sure he thinks I am a mental case now. Looking back on it, it makes me laugh, because I am pretty sure he got the emotional fallout of finals week stress. I'm so stupid sometimes. :) Hopefully we can laugh about it down the road, that is, if he dosen't have a restraining order against me. :)
This semester wore me out mentally/emotionally/physically. I knew my heart made me feel pretty bad this semester, but I guess I didn't realize how bad. I went to go say goodbye to the professor that I work for on Wednesday afternoon. She is amazing, and is like a substitute grandmother for me at school. She had known about my heart condition, and when I told her that I was unable to go to Scotland this summer, she had big tears in her eyes. "Addison," she said, "I know you wanted to go to Scotland so badly, but, your heart has changed you. I miss my sunshine Addison. I haven't seen her since last fall. You used to come in here with a smile and laughter. This semester you haven't been yourself at all. You need to stop and take care of yourself." It made me cry. I hadn't realized how much it effected me, and the people around me. I didn't give 100% this semester in my classes, work, anywhere. It was a horrible feeling and I hated it. So in a way, it was good. It was good to see the concern, to face the disappointment head on. I needed it. Because now, I am so ready to be my old self again. To actually wake up in the morning and not feel like I have run 5 marathons, even though I get 9+ hours of sleep a night.
I want to be 'sunshine Addison' again.
And that makes me really excited. :)

~
I love life. Have I mentioned that lately??
I watched a show tonight on the science channel about Kim Peek, the savant that the movie Rain Man was based on. He is a pretty amazing man. After watching it I asked my mom if I had autism and they just never told me, because it would explain my social awkwardness. She just looked at me and shook her head. :) I love life.

Oh yeah, I just remembered I have dyslexia. Sometimes I forget that. I forget that is why I can be clumsy, am a horrible speller, have issues with eye contact, get my lowercase P's and Q's mixed up, and have an amazingly bad short term memory. And it does make me a little socially awkward, but I think that is more in my head than anything. I guess growing up I learned to live with it and it never was that big of a deal to me. Unless, someone asked me to pass them something that was on my right, then things got interesting. People always seem so interested when they find out I am dyslexic, like I have special powers or something. Its never really been that big of a deal to me, but it does make a GREAT conversation starter. :) And, I do take pride in the fact that although I do make less than stellar grades, my IQ is a good 20 points higher than most people.
Wow, this post turned out to be a lot different than what I anticipated.

I guess it would be cool if dyslexic people could shoot lasers or something.
Hummm, I should talk to God about that when I get to heaven.

Happy Birthday!

Since finals week is measured in hours, not days, I am really happy I remembered!
I hope you have an amazing birthday and I love you!

While looking over the study guide for my civ final I got stuck on the last question.

"In your conclusion offer a statement of a personal or professional hope or dream that you want to achieve and some practical strategy to achieve it. How has the material in this course affected your awareness of your place in the world and led you to some sense of how to cope with problems in contemporary life?"

And again it boils down to; I have no passion for anything. I just seem to float.

Summer goal #1: find my passions

Love

I am loved.
I am completely, indescribably, amazingly, incandescently, and truly loved by so many people.
I made a grown up decision today.
It was really hard.
But, by no surprise God, my parents, my birthmother, Ray, Kelly, and Melissa were all there; supporting me and loving me. I can't believe God put such amazing people in my life.
I am not going to Wales this summer to love on the people there.
But, so many other things are going to be happening.
A Webcam Book Club with the best friend.
Getting my life on track.
Snuggling with my sweet baby Dyson.
Being a prayer warrior while the OCBF is in Africa.
Babysitting.
Getting a tune up on my heart.
Roads trips to Lewisville.
Learning to love with all that I am.
Reading.
Learning more about my passions, dreams, and ambitions.
I am so blessed.

madre

My mom had surgery on her left hand on Friday to fix her carpal tunnel. Everything went well, and she feels little pain because of the intense pain killers she is on. Although she is painless, it causes her to be a little loopy, and very funny. Tonight on the phone she kept rambling on about how she was craving a Big Mac, how Patrick Dempsey is so cute (but not as cute as my father, apparently), and how Eli's new video game looks so much fun because there are cows on it. Oh my goodness, she may not remember much of her conversations, but I will, and they are so stinking funny.

I am....

i am: sitting on my bed, looking out the window
i think: I want some more cereal
i know: that God has a plan for this crappy heart that I have
i want: for it to be finals week
i have: the best family ever
i wish: that I could make my hair long or short whenever I pleased
i hate: being alone
i miss: my mom
i fear: drowning and being alone forever
i feel: content
i hear: cars driving by
i smell: my wallflower from Bath and Body
i crave: to be on a plane to England
i search: for the truth in everything
i wonder: about my future
i regret: middle school
i love: thunderstorms and snuggling
i ache: from coughing so much
i care: very little about what people think of me
i always: play with my hair
i am not: going to get dressed today.
i believe: I can do all things through Him who gives me strength
i dance: quite often when I am alone
i sing: in the car
i don't always: think before I speak
i fight: taking my medicine
i write: because it helps me process my thoughts
i win: random free drinks from those pop bottle caps
i lose: things quite a bit.
i never: have danced in the rain
i confuse: myself
i listen: because talking is weird for me sometimes
i can usually be found: reading
i am scared: of living on my own in Wales for two months
i need: a hug at least once a day
i am happy about: living on my own in Wales for two months

so long my luckless...

To Hitler, Mein Kampf, doublespeak, and any and all things associated with the aforementioned parties:

There is no use ignoring the elephant in the room. Our relationship is about as productive as a sundial in the shade. Nine more pages, that is the only thing that is separating me and you from the demise of our struggling, flame less relationship. After that, I am packing my bags, loading up the kids, and getting the heck out of Dodge. I've already spoken to the lawyer and he believes that because of your diabolical schemes to take over the world, the separation should be clean and painless. So here's goodbye, because in nine pages, I will be too mentally exhausted to write this short note, ergo I am writing it presently. It was a swell ride, not really, but I thought I'd throw that in there for posterity.

Sincerely,
Addison
p.s. I'm keeping the jewelry.

disclaimer

I don't know how else to put it except this way, so sorry if I offend anyone.

All this news is scaring the hell out of me.

Atrial tachycardia?

Miss Eaton, you have two choices:
Medicine for life that might not even work?
Ablation surgery that would require me to be put under for 14+ hours?

I don't know.
I told my mom this morning that I feel like this isn't happening to me, like its happening to someone else. She told me not to worry, that it will all go okay. Its bad. I know she thinks its bad, but won't tell me. I saw the tears she cried when my brother had to have it done. She says that it will all go okay like his. But it is different, mine has a lower success rate.

Yes, I know God is in control.
But at this point, I don't even feel God at all.
Maybe its because I'm mad and have pushed Him away.
Maybe He has just withdrawn for a reason.

I'm just tired. Tired of battling temptation. Tired of feeling guilty when I forget to spend time with God. Tired of failing when I try so hard to be close.

I know everything will work out, but I need to be bitter for the time being.

if only guns really were like this.