So much is happening right now. So many good conversations that are encouraging and purely lovely. Doors are being opened and some are being shut. God is stretching me and teaching me so many things. I have an amazing family who loves me and is so full of wisdom.

Lately I have been worried about God?s plan for my life and have been terrified of making a decision that does not go along with His plan. Then someone very wise told me that instead of worry and confusion I need to pray, give it to God, and keep following through until God shuts the door. So that is what I am doing.

So much has happened this week that requires way too much typing??.but, this weekend I am going home to talk to my parents about the application I filled out and am praying about sending off??..to apply to be a student missionary in Scotland for two months next summer.

Random? Sort of. But the story behind it makes much more sense.

I love God.

Lately I have had the wonderful opportunity to briefly study Early Church History in the Middle Ages. During the Middle Ages the Catholic Church (here catholic meaning universal) was very similar to the Roman Catholic church we have today. They had the 7 Sacraments, Penance, a Pope, etc. These were the Christians of the time. As the more I read though, the more it is beginning to trouble me. The Christian church then stressed (what it seems like to me) a very legalistic relationship with God, or lack thereof.

I don?t know if this is making any sense, but it is something I have to get out there, whether it?s clear or a jumbled mess. Moving on, after further study and asking questions I came to realize that it want until the Romantic Period that Christianity began to express a true ?personal? relationship with Christ. So my question is: How much of our ?quiet times? and ?relationship? with Christ is true? How much of it is culturally instilled in us? How much of God?s voice are we truly hearing and how much up it is us unconsciously making it up because that is how we were raised and that is all we know?? What if we are doing this all wrong??

From what I can see the relationship seems like that of the God of the Old Testament; very proper, ceremonial, and impersonal. But, growing up, I have always thought that because of Jesus God is like the God He was back in the Garden with Adam and Eve, personal, approachable, and loving. I know that He is these things, but right now, it just dosen?t seem like that.

Things I want to do before this time next year:

• Go to the ballet.


• Travel to another country


• spend a chilly Saturday afternoon at the art museum


• Make the Dean?s List


• attend a church service of a different faith


• Own a red pea coat


• Go on another mission trip


• attend an Opera


• be involved with a service project


• memorize a chapter of the Bible


• save 1,000 dollars


• Tell people how I really feel about certain things


• passionately pursue the Lord


• trust and obey.

?Waste not your talents. They for use were made, for what good is a sundial in the shade??

-Ben Franklin

?They say there is a young lady in New Haven who is beloved of that Great Being who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for any thing, except to meditate on him? that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight for ever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; specially after this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have some one invisible always conversing with her.?

-Jonathan Edwards on his wife, Sarah Edwards.

This is what I want people to say when they see me. More importantly this is what I want my heart to be like, as well as my relationship with my Lord. ??.I have a long way to go.

You might get out before Beowulf knows your name....

I just finished reading Beowulf??longest.book.ever. I had to read parts of it in high school and thought it was extremely boring, but having a bad translation can do that to you. This time, I did like it, and it was easier to read than The Aeneid. I heard that there is a new Beowulf movie coming out in November that stars Angelina Jolie and Anthony Hopkins. Hummm, not sure how that one is going to pan out. From what I can tell they portray Grendel?s mother as a seductive demon-like character. What??? Maybe OBU has a funky translation but from what I read there was nothing seductive about her. Nevertheless I will probably go see it, I want to see their interpretation of Grendel, and see if it was anywhere near as scary as mine. Plus, I think that Anthony Hopkins is a good casting for the role of King Hrothgar, so maybe it won?t be that terrible.

The last few weeks of September and the month of October will be busy with reading Everyman, and then Dante?s Inferno?.two books that I have never read before, so I am kind of excited?.although I would never admit that to anyone in public.

There could be a million other more important, school related things I could be doing?..but I?m not. Instead I am looking back at old posts that I have written?..back when I was 15. Goodness, it?s hard to believe that I was ever that dumb. It?s funny to even look back at last year and see how badly I screamed ?freshman?.

??.and then I found this.

April 26, 2006

I had to write an essay for OBU, talking about my future goals and dreams. I honestly did not know what to put. I don?t want to find a cure for cancer, save the world, or go to the moon. All i want to do is be a Godly mother, a loving wife, and a missionary to a people who have not heard the gospel. I want to wear pretty skirts, drink coffee, and take my children to the park on a brisk fall days. I want to travel to a different country by myself or with a friend, and explore and go places at the drop of a hat. I want to walk the streets in Spain, and buy flowers. I want to be an encourager to those younger than me. To be able to help girls who are in that ?wierd time? in their life. When everything is confusing and the world seems mean and out to get you. I want to travel to new places, and see things I have only read about. I want to sip tea in a cafe in Paris, and go dancing in Italy. I want people to have the love, grace, mercy, and compassion that my Savior has shown me.

Since then I have officially been out of the country and gotten a taste of the world outside of my cozy little bubble. But most of this still rings true. Lord, did you have me see this for a reason?? Oh how I wish your answers were clear as neon signs at night.

I?m alive, I promise. School is keeping me waaaay too busy. Lately it has been hard to juggle school, friends, Phi Lamb, my time with God, and family. I have a test or a paper due each week until November.

I think that friday or saturday I am going to set some time aside to myself and take a long walk with my camera. Yes, that will be nice.

I guess things are okay, well in some areas they are amazing, but in others, not so good. I have a lot to think/pray about.

My heart hurts, but not in a melancholy, depressing way.

It hurts in a stretching-I-need-to-let-go-of-some-things-and-gain-some-others kind of way.

In a way where I know that I am a helpless sinner in need of a Savior, tired, worn out, fall on Jesus way.

In a being-an-almost-grown-up-really-sucks kind of way.

In a I?m-sorry-I-don?t-have-time-for-any-kind-of-relationships-or-even-breathing-because-I-am-in-Civ way.

In a I?m scared, not sure where you are taking me, help me learn to trust you, kind of way.

That way.

Friday cannot come soon enough??I need time to rest?..and think. I need to be like Pooh, and find a thinking spot here on campus.

509 B.C.- beginning of Rome

Rise of the Republic

133BC  Gracchi Land Reform

122BC- Medditerrian Sea became a ?Roman Lake?

-put laundry into washer-

Fall of the Republic

-Julius Ceasar 44BC

-Octavian, Marc Antony, Octavian becomes Caesar Augustus

Rise of the Empire

-put laundry into dryer-

-Aeneid, Virgil, Roman Values

27-14BC- Pax Romana

Five Good Emperors

Marcus Aurelius, Commodus

Fall of the Empire

Christianity

St. Augustine

For those who do not know, Western Civ is the hardest class all OBU students take during their college career. All OBU sophomores take the same class, and the professors teach the same thing, we all read the same literature, and we all take our first test tomorrow. Thus this being the hardest class, these are the hardest tests I will ever take. Well, it is not exactly a test. I go in tomorrow and read a prompt that the professor gives you, and from there I have to write an entire essay over a certain part of Rome?s history, with dates, and writers from that time period, and intertwine that with The Aeneid all in one hour.

I had the most wonderful birthday!!! I didn?t think this day would be all that special, but it truly was! My family came up last night and spent the night, and today we spent the day shopping and being together. I received phone calls from my lovely sister, amazing birthmother, and my amazing best friends. I also got 20 facebook birthday wishes and emails; it truly was a great birthday. It reminded me of how much I am truly blessed and loved.

Tonight I finished up some last minute homework assignments, then went across campus with some friends and saw an advanced screening of Miss HIV.  It is a documentary on the pandemic of AIDS/HIV and?..well, you just have to go see it. It really opened my eyes to what a cushy little world I live in, and how blessed I am to have been raised by Christian parents who taught me abstinence till marriage. I didn?t realize this until I went and saw the film, but was written, filmed, and directed by Jim Hanon, the same man who created the Beyond The Gates of Splendor documentary; which was equally good.

Annnnnnnd I?ve been tagged! 

The Rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.

2. Each player starts with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their 8 things) and post these rules.

4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don?t forget to leave them a comment telling them they?re tagged, and to read your blog.

My 8 Things:

1. I LOVE to video blog. It is my way to relieve stress, boredom, or procrastinate. Thus, they end up becoming very silly videos.

2. I have an obsession with pandas, and use the word ?panda? as an adjective. For my birthday my parents took me to Build-a-Bear and let me make a panda.

3. I have a journal of letters that I have been writing to my future husband since I was 14 that I am going to give to him on our honeymoon.

4. I am a college sophomore, have gone through 4 majors, and am now undecided at the moment.

5. When I was little, I thought I might have been Oprah?s secret birth daughter?..it never occurred to me that that would be impossible because I am white. I am going to write that one off due to my naivety.



6. I LOVE Billy Joel?..with a passion.

7. I am a terrible dancer, but that dosen?t stop me from busting some very awkward moves when I am around my family and close friends.

8. My goodbye phrase ?peace out cub scout? has apparently caught on around campus. The other day I heard someone that I did not know use it in passing to a fellow classmate in the hall. It made me feel pretty dang cool, for about a minute.

Ahhhh it is midnight and my roommate is sleeping soundly several feet away from me. How I envy her right now, sleep has decided to become my arch foe, although I am unsure as to why, I do hope that we can reconcile our differences soon. I have a lot on my mind, so I thought that maybe if I get it all out I might be able to sleep. So here it goes:

• I am content with my life at the moment. Although there are some things in it that are confusing, frustrating, and downright weird, I do love it. God has truly blessed me and is continuing to do so. I do love OBU and where I am at in life. I have an amazing family, a few good friends, and a pretty good roommate (even when she is moody).


• I unfortunately find my security in my friendships instead of my Savior. I think that because I struggle with this that God is watering my friendships down to single digits so I will learn to cling to Him. It has been something I have struggled with my entire life. I am a confident person, but I need to find my confidence in Christ. People of this world will always fail me because they are human, Christ will never fail me.


• I feel good enough to elaborate on my previous post written several days ago. I ran into an old acquaintance the other day, and although our meeting was way brief, it caught me off guard. I can?t think of a way to describe it without sounding stupid so here it goes; he was the first boy I have noticed since getting over ?him?. (And those who know me know who ?him? is, and know that he is not worth talking about?.so moving on.) I know that nothing will ever come of it, but still it was weird, and I over-thought it (is that a word?) way too much, and in the end realized that I am truly quirky. So there you go. Plus, I am taking a break in that area?..well, right now they all seem like stupid jerks to me, so, I guess my judgment is a little clouded, which isn?t necessarily a bad thing at the moment.


• I am sad to admit but I am hooked on the Jonas Brothers. I can?t help but get sucked into their sugarcoated, teenybopper music. Whats even more embarrassing is that my ten year old brother was the one that turned me on to them. Oh well, it does give my brother and I one more thing to talk about when we are together, so I guess every cloud does have a silver lining.


• My roommate and I are going to go see a movie together tomorrow night for our Civ class. We have to?err, I mean we GET to go watch the amazing movie Gladiator!!! Umm, so I am so not thrilled to go sit for an hour and a half and watch a movie I could care less about. Plus, I have heard it is way gory and bloody, and I am not all up in that. But I am excited that my roomie and I are going to spend some time together.


• Exciting news! My two amazing friends are taking me out Friday for my birthday! I am excited. Honestly, I haven?t told anyone this but even though I act like this birthday is no big deal, I am actually really excited about it. Plus, my family is coming up saturday night and spending the day sunday with me, so that will be fun too.

Okay so I think that I am finally all empty upstairs so maybe I can get some sleep. Maybe.

p.s. I make no guarantees how sane and coherent this post is, given the late hour. So take it with a grain of salt.

Wow, its September 1st.

Nine more days till my birthday. I feel like time is speeding forward more quickly than I?d like.

And I had one of those ?huh? moments the other day. It kinda took me off guard that I even noticed it. I guess that says I am moving on, but I am letting God take care of it. But still, huh.

I am watching Bandwagon on PBS with my Dad. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era. Sigh. I have got the traveling bug again.