My Lovely Genesis

I have no idea where to begin to explain what I am feeling. Trying to passionately seek His will for my life has become hard. I don't know if this is a hard thing to go through, or I am making it hard on myself. Part of me wants to do what I want to do, but the other part knows I need to follow the Lord's will for my life. It makes me feel scared, like I am in a bubble that I cannot get out of. I know where this is coming from, and who is putting these thoughts into my head, but still; it is hard. I am afraid if I truly surrender it all to him, that I will face trials of many kinds, pain, loss, est. And yet here we are again, this has been my constant theme for the past month posting. I am holding back because I am scared. I want to be a lukewarm Christian because it is safe. Wow, that thought just occurred to me.
It is hard, because I don't have any true, grounded friends that I can talk to about this. I miss the one I had back at home, she always seemed to understand. But that was then, and now I am alone. I have friends. Friends I can laugh with, friends I can cry with, but none who can truly understand the spiritual feelings I have. I feel like my spiritual life is being kept in a closet, hidden away from the world. I place this front on that I like to call 'the Addi everyone thinks they know and expects to see'. No one really knows what goes on inside.
I was talking with a friend recently, telling her my struggles with the group of friends I hang out with. I told her it was hard because the group of friends I hang out with are at the least three years older than I. I have no one near my age. People have judged me because of my age and have left me. They see me for my age, not for who I am. I'm just 'the sterotypical seventeen year old girl, who only thinks of boys, drama, and the O.C.' Part of the reason of the 'Great Friend Loss of 06'. That is not who I am! I explained to her my frustration, why could people not just see me for me? She simply explained that she loved me for me because she saw my heart, and not a lot of people have stopped long enough to do that. Sometimes I feel like the people that read this site know me better than those that I see each week.
This is my heart at the present moment.