I've got to get some stuff off my chest:
I'm sorry that I tried to talk to you but you would not listen.
I'm sorry that I'm struggling too.
I'm sorry that I removed myself from our friendship because you are in a downward spiral.
I'm sorry that I am struggling with alcohol and going to clubs and it worsens it when I'm around you.
I'm sorry that you are choosing to do that.
I'm sorry that I am not in a good place right now and you only pull me down even more.
I'm sorry that you are willing to give yourself over to a man who is not a Christan and gets wasted every weekend because you desperately want to be married. That's just sad.
Yes I love you.
Yes I am praying for you.
Yes, I don't trust you, therefore I am removing myself.
That does not make me a bad guy.
You are the one creating your own drama, not me.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
love, love, love
Life at the moment is beautiful.
God has truly blessed me (I know how much you hate that phrase Taylor) beyond compare.
I am truly grateful to have the people that I have in my life.
Some recent joys in my life:
may the peace of Christ be with you.
God has truly blessed me (I know how much you hate that phrase Taylor) beyond compare.
I am truly grateful to have the people that I have in my life.
Some recent joys in my life:
- Oscar party 2009
- The Vow at Lifechurch.tv
- The memories made while The Beast broke down
- texting the boy :)
- haircuts
- bows
- being financially stable
- the beautiful and precious Katie
- phone calls home
- laughter
- enjoying most of my classes
may the peace of Christ be with you.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Ouch.
I was reading my dear friend Taylor's blog post on Israel and was brought to tears.
I am so much like Israel these days, and I hate that.
My heart has become so hardened these past three years. I am no longer the same girl I was when I first arrived at OBU.
Granted, I've grown up significantly, but so many other things have changed for the worse.
I constantly listen to the lies of the evil one.
I am insecure about who I am.
I constantly question the validity and sincerity of my friendships here.
I'm hardened.
Most of the words that come out of my mouth do not glorify God, and that hurts.
What happened?
Where is the lovely lady that once loved Jesus so much?
My heart aches to be that person once more. There was so much peace and happiness when I was close to my Savior.
How can I get back to being that girl?
I am so much like Israel these days, and I hate that.
My heart has become so hardened these past three years. I am no longer the same girl I was when I first arrived at OBU.
Granted, I've grown up significantly, but so many other things have changed for the worse.
I constantly listen to the lies of the evil one.
I am insecure about who I am.
I constantly question the validity and sincerity of my friendships here.
I'm hardened.
Most of the words that come out of my mouth do not glorify God, and that hurts.
What happened?
Where is the lovely lady that once loved Jesus so much?
My heart aches to be that person once more. There was so much peace and happiness when I was close to my Savior.
How can I get back to being that girl?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Life.
p.s. why are the "read more" buttons showing up at the end of my posts?? wth??
p.s.s. a little over 24 hours till the boy comes over for dinner. :)
p.s.s. a little over 24 hours till the boy comes over for dinner. :)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Daisy Miller: A Study by Henry James
It is girls like this that truly give Americans a bad name abroad. If Daisy Miller lived in 2009, I dare say she might have ended up on a Spring Break video.....anyway.
I was intrigued by this girl. The story pulled me in right at the very beginning, and kept me interested till the very end. James's fascination with class distinction can easily be seen throughout the entire story. Daisy was a girl that went against everything that Henry James was brought up to believe. Through the story Winterbourne constantly compares her to the girls back in Geneva and finds no similarities at all. I also liked how James used Geneva and Rome to represent Daisy, and the anti-Daisy. Daisy is like Rome; brash, fast paced, and full of life. Meanwhile Geneva is proper, follows all social mores, and leans towards old values and customs. Also, it is when Daisy is in Rome that her character begins to enter into a downward spiral.
I found it interesting that the climax of the story where Winterbourne begins to think Daisy has no self respect at all takes place at the Colosseum, a classic symbol of Rome. What is better than that to describe the terrible nature of her character?
What got me the most was the questions James posed about the life worth living. Is it better to live a life of propriety, or a life where chances are taken in hopes of fulfillment? I still wonder at this question. I like the safe, commonness of my world. But by living like that, what am I missing out on?
p.s. I'm not even going to start on ridiculousness of her mother. If James wrote a sequel, it might have been a story about when Mrs. Miller finds her spine lying on the side of the road somewhere in France.
I was intrigued by this girl. The story pulled me in right at the very beginning, and kept me interested till the very end. James's fascination with class distinction can easily be seen throughout the entire story. Daisy was a girl that went against everything that Henry James was brought up to believe. Through the story Winterbourne constantly compares her to the girls back in Geneva and finds no similarities at all. I also liked how James used Geneva and Rome to represent Daisy, and the anti-Daisy. Daisy is like Rome; brash, fast paced, and full of life. Meanwhile Geneva is proper, follows all social mores, and leans towards old values and customs. Also, it is when Daisy is in Rome that her character begins to enter into a downward spiral.
I found it interesting that the climax of the story where Winterbourne begins to think Daisy has no self respect at all takes place at the Colosseum, a classic symbol of Rome. What is better than that to describe the terrible nature of her character?
What got me the most was the questions James posed about the life worth living. Is it better to live a life of propriety, or a life where chances are taken in hopes of fulfillment? I still wonder at this question. I like the safe, commonness of my world. But by living like that, what am I missing out on?
p.s. I'm not even going to start on ridiculousness of her mother. If James wrote a sequel, it might have been a story about when Mrs. Miller finds her spine lying on the side of the road somewhere in France.
Monday, February 9, 2009
It sucks growing up. Really.
I'm having to make decisions now that I really don't want to. Temptations are here that have never been here before. My God is greater than all of these. I know this without a shadow of a doubt.
I've realized that these past three years have been a wilderness of sorts for me. My faith is being constantly tested and tried.
But once again...
My God is bigger than all of this.
I've realized that these past three years have been a wilderness of sorts for me. My faith is being constantly tested and tried.
But once again...
My God is bigger than all of this.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Peace
Tonight was one of those nights that are so very precious to me. My roommate was out, my homework was done, and the hosue was quiet. I sat down to breathe, but something was still missing. I was yearning, craving something. I was craving my Jesus.
I had not sat down this week to talk with Him. I feel guilty even typing those words. So I sat down and I talked. I realized that this week He has blessed me beyond measure. He has given me a precious roommate, amazing classes, and so many other things. It brought tears to my eyes. Even though I had been not doing my share, He was still looking out for my best interests.
I've seen so many pieces fall into place this week. Things I didn't think would happen, did.
It's my personal struggle in life, and I hate it. I always seek to find my peace and solace in things I know, instead of God. Again and again I stray and cling to the things of this world, again and again He takes me back.
Tonight I sat on my bed, holding my journal and my stuffed dog, and realized that He is all I need.
Tonight I didn't want anything else in life: my family, friends, the boy, nothing.
The moment was fleeting, then I was filled with all the stresses and struggles that I face in everyday life once more.
But I know that I can find that fulfillment again. I know it.
Getting there is the hard part.
I had not sat down this week to talk with Him. I feel guilty even typing those words. So I sat down and I talked. I realized that this week He has blessed me beyond measure. He has given me a precious roommate, amazing classes, and so many other things. It brought tears to my eyes. Even though I had been not doing my share, He was still looking out for my best interests.
I've seen so many pieces fall into place this week. Things I didn't think would happen, did.
It's my personal struggle in life, and I hate it. I always seek to find my peace and solace in things I know, instead of God. Again and again I stray and cling to the things of this world, again and again He takes me back.
Tonight I sat on my bed, holding my journal and my stuffed dog, and realized that He is all I need.
Tonight I didn't want anything else in life: my family, friends, the boy, nothing.
The moment was fleeting, then I was filled with all the stresses and struggles that I face in everyday life once more.
But I know that I can find that fulfillment again. I know it.
Getting there is the hard part.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
When I think of a portrait, I think of brilliant colors, time, effort, love, hardships, laughter, and lessons learned. So many elements, styles, and colors can go into a portrait. When I sat down to write this paragraph, I was at a loss for words. What does my life portrait exactly look like? I only have one word for it: unfinished. My Creator has not yet fully revealed to me my painting. I see bits and pieces here and there, but never the finished product. Like my life my painting is still a work in progress. There are sections of bright colors that portray my happy childhood, swirls of dark colors portray the struggles in my early adolescence, and peaceful tones are found when I met my Savior. The rest of the canvas is blank, and ready for anything that the future holds.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Woah.
I've forgotten that I have a blog. No joke. I suppose it is because I've been living my life out on twitter. Sad, I know. But its like having my own personal Gossip Girl, and that is completely awesome.
And I suppose that I've been too busy to write. Lately is also seems like none of my thoughts are blog worthy. They are either too personal, or too silly.
Maybe I should take this blog in a different direction.....maybe.
Okay so I am going to steal some ideas from Taylor, but its all good, because she is brilliant. I'm starting a new thing on here. I'm going to call it the "Recent Regards". Yes, I know its a lame name, but until I come up with something better, that is how it is going to stay. So here folks is a list of 10 things that I have fallen in love with as of late.
Recent Regards
I've forgotten that I have a blog. No joke. I suppose it is because I've been living my life out on twitter. Sad, I know. But its like having my own personal Gossip Girl, and that is completely awesome.
And I suppose that I've been too busy to write. Lately is also seems like none of my thoughts are blog worthy. They are either too personal, or too silly.
Maybe I should take this blog in a different direction.....maybe.
Okay so I am going to steal some ideas from Taylor, but its all good, because she is brilliant. I'm starting a new thing on here. I'm going to call it the "Recent Regards". Yes, I know its a lame name, but until I come up with something better, that is how it is going to stay. So here folks is a list of 10 things that I have fallen in love with as of late.
Recent Regards
- PINK Fruity and Bright Body Lotion
- Fossil Sunglasses
- Wild Honeysuckle Lotion from Bath and Body
- New Episodes of Heroes and Gossip Girl
- "Just Dance" by Lady GaGa
- Metro Station's 2007 album
- Duct tape
- Still by J.Lo perfume
- House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski
- TwitterFon app. for iPhone
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