I'm not the next unabomber

Its sloppy, badly written, and suffers from extreme rambling; but it is all me, written on paper.

Last night I had a lengthy discussion with my mother about my blog. If you know either of us you know that we are extremely different. (Think Anne Shirley and Marilla.) I knew she read it but I could tell that there was something she wasn't saying. It came out that she thought most of my posts were overly dramatic in nature, but she said it was because that is who I am. She is far from this, but it is not a bad thing. For example:

My mother would write: I walked along the beach today and watched the sunrise.

I would write: I took a stroll along the sandy shore as the tide kissed my toes and the sun greeted me with its normal cheer.


The conversation continued and she voiced her concerns about some personal issues in my life, one in particular is that I suffer from romanticism. I am not mental and live in a fairytale world, but I do tend to have certain expectations that are not realistic that are romantic* and cause me to enter into a downward spiral when they don't go as expected. This was so much so that I realized that I do not know myself as well as I thought I did. Actually, I don't know myself that well at all.
These startling revelations caused me to be unable to sleep last night. It is hard to sleep when you realize you don't know who you are. I began to question everything, and realized that I do and believe in things that are not really me. I only did them because the appearance they gave were romantic. So with a pen and paper in hand I sat down and spent the next hour and a half writing down anything and everything that was on my mind. I listed things that I believed in, things I needed to confess, and things that needed to be said. In its own awkward, messy way it was my own personal manifesto.
I realized that I could care less about the way KFC treats their chickens, and that yoga is a load of crap.
That I miss my long hair.
That I want to be completely independent and self sufficient before I ever think of marriage.
I don't want to be a hardcore doctor, just a simple PA.
That I although unfortunately I still have a few feelings (and I mean a few) for this certain boy I've mentioned before, I think he is an idiot and I wish his stupid snake would eat him. I only liked the idea of him though, I never really liked him personally.
That I want to live somewhere that has a cool climate so I can be outside more often.

This continued on for eight pages. Eight, long, pages. I let my best friend and my parents read it this morning. My mom was proud of me and that I should laminate it. My dad said that it was my manifesto. It was then brought to my attention that the likes of Hitler and the unabomber also had manifestos. But that is a different story. :)

I'm keeping my manifesto, and hopefully will continue to add on to it.

Gezee, sometimes I think I am one messed up cookie.



*romantic as in life in general, this is not referring to relationships.

If....

At the beginning of this summer I made a list of summer goals. One of the goals was to find out who God was and what He meant to me. As the summer progressed I was taken through a whirlwind of emotions, trials, and pain. Without any doubt this has been one of the hardest summers of my life, but, it has been one of the most beautiful ones as well.
God stripped me of everything that I thought I was and rebuilt me from the inside out. I lost all formality with God and things got intense and raw. My prayers and conversations with God weren't made of the beautiful hymns of David. They were more along the lines of the wrestling match between Jacob and God. I was mad at God. I was hurt, scared, angry, and I let Him know it. I yelled, cried, laughed, and then yelled some more.
If it were any other God I would have been struck down for the things I said, cursed and barren for the rest of my life, or, all three.
But you see, that is the thing. It was MY God. He listened when I yelled, loved me when I ran away, and laughed when I tried to take control.
He didn't walk away when I yelled, He told me to keep talking. He wanted to know how I was feeling. Why? Because He is a God of wonder, unending love, and peace.
God is the one who wants to be there for me when I am down. He is my comforter, my shelter, my healer, my confidant, my love, my solace, and my listening ear. This past summer my tears were His tears, my pain was His. Although none of this took Him by surprise, He still held me when I was feeling the disappointment and anger.
His mercy and grace never cease to amaze me.
I learned who He is without ever really looking. It all just fell in my lap.
I am so special to Him. If it were any other god from any other religion, I wouldn't have this peace and comfort. Many people know about the things that happened this summer, the pain I went through. But, only He and I know about the thoughts and emotions that went on in my heart. I gained an intimate relationship with Him.
Yes, things are still rough, but He showed me how strong I can be, and that He is forever faithful, and will never leave my side.

Vacation

Sleepy baby on the ride there.

The Best Friend, her sweet baby, and I.

Cottage Picture in at Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

(During the Intermission)
Me: Here Eli, hold my camera while I go to the restroom.
Eli: But Sis! What if I get kidnapped!?
Me: Eli, be serious. People don't kidnap people at the theatre.

Best Friend.

Right before I got in trouble for taking pictures.

The Memorial at night. None of the other pictures from here turned out because I couldn't figure out how to get my night setting to work on my camera.

Silly girls.

From the Ocean to my Room, I Feel it Too.

Going on family/cottage vacation till Wednesday. Should be interesting. I am excited about taking pictures and wandering around the city.
My medicine isn't working and is giving me horrid headaches, so I have to call the cardiologist today to discuss my other medicine options. Needless to say, I was a crabby patty this weekend. Not feeling well wears me out physically, but mentally too, because I get frustrated and sick of being sick.
I won't have my laptop, deciding to leave it here will be good for me. Being out of touch every now and then can be healthy. But I have twitter mobile, so I might update occasionally on there.

I've fallen in love with all things Vera Bradley. Especially this.
Too bad my major requires large textbooks that caused me to invest in a heavy duty bag.
Gone are the days of a cute, fluffy major.
Oooo, maybe I could get one for the EMT program?? Hum, its a thought.
Wow, I am procrastinating.

Confessions of a Windex User

My best friend got evicted from her apartment several days ago because her roommate is a stupid heifer that lies, but that is a different story. With a day and a half to pack and move out, I went over to do what little I could (which does not include lifting of anything heavy, due to my heart). So she packed and I kept the silence filled with mindless chatter, something I do best.
If any of you know me well you know that I do not have a natural servant's heart. It is not one of my spiritual gifts and never has been.
But as I was chatting she mentioned that her and her other non-heifer roommate would have to come back and clean everything the next day. After several minutes I began to wander aimlessly around the house and found the vacuum sitting in the now empty living room. Without really thinking I yelled over my shoulder that I would sweep the living room carpet for her. She yelled back a thank you and I went to work.

What started as sweeping the carpet turned into cleaning the baseboards, and all the other carpeted rooms as well. I then grabbed some Windex and began to clean the closet mirror doors. What happened next completely caught me off guard and then proceeded to blow my mind away. I was tired, dressed in a grey tank and blue scrub pants, and my hair was messy and soaked with sweat (due to the house temperature rising to a freaking 85 degrees); needless to say it wasn't my most shining hour. But as I was cleaning the mirror I caught my reflection in the mirror and it took my breath away. I was beautiful. No, I was stunning. I had never seen myself look that amazing. I laughed as I looked at this stranger in the mirror. I didn't see myself in the mirror at all. I mean, I saw my eyes are my birthmom's and my birthfather's smile, but it wasn't me that was looking back. It was Christ through and through.

I came face to face with my ugly selfish human nature, and was shown how beautiful and stunning I am when I let Christ take over. I was seeing myself through His eyes. As I spent hours working that afternoon, not one thought of regret or repayment entered in my head. I was helping out my best friend because she needed me and she has been there for me countless times. Somewhere inside my selfish little heart came servanthood and it completely rocked my world. There was no way I could have done any of it on my own. I realized how much I truly need Christ in every part of my life, not just some of it. I saw the person I could become and I loved it.
She was a captivating, amazing, loving woman, and so freaking hardcore.

I want to be that woman.

I didn't have a good day today. Nothing exactly went wrong, it was just not good in the end.

I need to start journaling again. I have too many thoughts and emotions pent up to not to.

I realize that my posts have had a sad ring to them lately. But for me that is life.

Life isn't always sunshine. Sometimes it is rain.


Now all I need to find is the proverbial umbrella, or learn how to enjoy the rain on my skin.

Tu sais les mots sous mes silences

"J'ai l'avenir gravé dans ta main"

Oh what I would do to spend a summer in the countryside of France. To do nothing but read and sip tea while I watch the world go by; it would be simply wonderful. Ever since Freshman year I have had an intense love affair with the language. You could tell me that you ran over my dog in French and I still would be in love with every word that you spoke. Yeah, its that intense.

Stuff

A few days ago I was scanning the best seller aisle at Target, hoping to find something new to capture my interest. Eat, Pray, Love was sitting on the self among other best sellers. I picked it up and skimmed its contents seeing that it looked very "new-agey". Regardless, I was out of books to read so I figured I give it a try. So far I really like most of it, although I do not agree with her ideas regarding religion and God.

~
I received my application packet for the EMT program. I'm pretty excited about it. I am going back to OBU in the Fall. As much as I dislike it, I know that is where God wants me. Even though I don't agree with God's plan, actually knowing it is a huge relief to me.

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I guess in my mind summer is just now starting for me. I finished my summer goals list and I am pretty excited about it.

~
One of the summer missionaries is staying in our cottage right now. I was surprised by how much I like her. Usually I do not interact much with them when they come in the summer but this one I really like. She is a sweet girl and always makes you feel better when you talk to her.
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I hate how the anger and pain can sneak up on me when I least expect it. I can be doing the most odd of jobs and it will hit me like a brick wall. BAM: you are not better, your heart is still broken, you are yet again back at square one. It is then when it becomes so hard to not be angry at God. Yes God did let this happen, but, I have to remind myself he did not do it out of malicious spite, He did it for a reason. I don't want to be bitter, because my anger and tears do no good.

Jesus, I know OBU is where you want me, but I hate being there. Well, I don't hate everything there, just most of it. I know I have to go, but, will you make it easier to live there this year? Please?