This is a pretty raw post, so I cannot guarantee how long it will stay posted. This is truly what is going on in my heart and how God is working in it.

She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Hosea 2:7a An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. 1 Corinthians 7:34b

It feels so good to have my heart back on track with my Savior. My day just seems to go better. I know so many that love me are praying for me, and I cannot tell you how much of a comfort that is. I feel like God is saying to me: “Good job Addi, you get it and are learning. I love you and you are now coming back to me. Now, I will speak tenderly to your heart and show you that your future in my hands is a wonderful thing, and that is nothing to fear.” I love Him, so, so much. I know I need to learn patience. I am so ready…..well I so want to fall in love, get married, and grow up, but I know I am not ready. I am still so young, a freshman in college. There is so much I still have not learned and God is still teaching me. He’s showing me that He is my number one love. He is the captivator of my soul. I need to learn to delight myself in the Lord, and then He will give me the desires of my heart. Honestly, I truly don’t know all the desires of my heart, I think for some of them, He is the only one that knows. Does this make sense??
So for now, I am content being about the Lord’s affairs, and learning to be patient. A friend sent my a story after I explained to her what was going on in my heart, this is what the story was about, and it completely described what God is trying to tell me.

~

Jenny was a bright-eyed, pretty five-year-old girl. One day when she and her mother were checking out at the grocery store, Jenny saw a plastic pearl necklace priced at $2.50. How she wanted that necklace, and when she asked her mother if she would buy it for her, her mother said, “Well, it is a pretty necklace, but it costs an awful lot of money. I’ll tell you what.

I’ll buy you the necklace, and when we get home we can make up a list of chores that you can do to pay for the necklace. And don’t forget that for your birthday Grandma just might give you a whole dollar bill, too. Okay?” Jenny agreed, and her mother bought the pearl necklace for her.
Jenny worked on her chores very hard every day, and sure enough, her grandma gave her a brand new dollar bill for her birthday. Soon Jenny had paid off the pearls. How Jenny loved those pearls. She wore them everywhere-to kindergarten, bed and when she went out with her mother to run errands. The only time she didn’t wear them was in the shower-her mother had told her that they would turn her neck green!

Now Jenny had a very loving daddy. When Jenny went to bed, he would get up from his favorite chair every night and read Jenny her favorite story. One night when he finished the story, he said, “Jenny, do you love me?” “Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you,” the little girl said. “Well, then, give me your pearls.” “Oh! Daddy, not my pearls!” Jenny said. “But you can have Rosie, my
favorite doll. Remember her? You gave her to me last year for my birthday. And you can have her tea party outfit, too. Okay?” “Oh no, darling, that’s okay.” Her father brushed her cheek
with a kiss. “Good night, little one.” A week later, her father once again asked Jenny after her
story, “Do you love me?” “Oh yes, Daddy, you know I love you.” “Well, then, give me your pearls.” “Oh, Daddy, not my pearls! But you can have Ribbons, my toy horse. Do you remember her? She’s my favorite. Her hair is so soft, and you can play with it and braid it and everything. You can have Ribbons if you want her, Daddy,” the little girl said to her father. “No, that’s okay,” her father said and brushed her cheek again with a kiss. “God bless you, little one. Sweet dreams.”
Several days later, when Jenny’s father came in to read her a story, Jenny was sitting on her bed and her lip was trembling. “Here, Daddy,” she said, and held out her hand. She opened it and her beloved pearl necklace was inside. She let it slip into her father’s hand. With one hand her father held the plastic pearls and with the other he pulled out of his pocket a blue velvet box. Inside of the box were real, genuine, beautiful pearls. He had had them all along. He was waiting for Jenny to give up the cheap stuff so he could give her the real thing.

So it is with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in out lives so he can give us beautiful treasure. Isn’t God good?

~

Fall is soon coming and that makes me so excited. It is actually cold at night and early in the mornings. My favorite Alaskan gave me a CD full of Disney songs, which has made my heart and ears very happy. There are even songs from Newsies and Beauty and the Beast too. My favorites.
God bless whoever chose to invent Instant Messenger. It helps cut down on phone bills, and makes awkward conversations a little less awkward.
Okay, I am going to go back to homework and listening to my Disney cd. Yay.

God has been working in my heart in so many ways. Some hard, some easy, some good, and some bad. There is a spiritual war going on in my heart, but as of tonight, the good guy is winning. I just need prayer, lots of prayer.

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.”
Song of Songs 3:5

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline
1 Timothy 1:7

I love: road trips, Mr. Darcy moments, bison, star watching, pizza chats, coffee, friends, alaska, my parents, the next three weeks, grace, mercy, unconditional love, Ihop, taking random pictures with Melissa, and my Savior.

This weekend was fun.
My roommate is mean.
But God is good.
And I need courage to stand up for myself.
Prayer.
God is still oh so very good.

Today just wasn’t good…..at all. I had to come home last night, in order to go to my eye doctor this morning. He informed me that I had a bad stigmitism, that I needed a different brand of contacts, and new glasses. Then, my eye doctor (whom I do believe just got done playing Frisbee with Opie outside) explained that I am no longer able to wear my color contacts. Humph. I was quite put out with him. After we finished I went on to go pick out new frames. When the lady looks at my insurance, she pulls out a small, and I mean small tray of frames that my insurance will pay for. She was grumpy, and in a hurry, and I ended up with frames that make me look like Where’s Waldo’s sister. To make matters worse they were the only decent ones in the tray. But at least I have glasses, and I am able to see. Others are not. So I suppose I have no reason to be grumpy.

Even though school is hard, my roommate is mean, and I don’t have that many friends (He’s teaching me that popularity is highly over-rated); I like school, and God is faithful. I like where I am, and what I am learning from our ever gracious Savior.

~

Random Conversation #5,289 With My Mother:

Mom: He’s a half-baked cake.
Me: What am I?
Mom: Oh honey, your not even batter yet.
Me: Am I still in the grocery store shelf waiting to be bought?
Mom: No, you’re sitting in the pantry, waiting for God’s plan to unfold.

I love my mom so much, and her crazy examples. This was probably one of my favorites.

Tonight was fun. It was beautifully dark outside, and very cool. Jacket weather. It was God’s special gift to me.
Chandra and I had a ‘break from our annoying roommates’ date and went to taco bell. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. When we pulled out of taco bell I stupidly put my large drink in my small drink holder. As I took off my drink spilt all in the bottom of my side of the car. Scared, I put my breaks on and yelled ‘oh my gosh!’. For some reason, when Chandra heard this she scrambled to get out of the car, like it was about to blow up. When we both realized what she had done, we busted out laughing, and laughed most of the way home.

I am so ready for winter.

Oh my goodness mom, it is only 12 and God has already been teaching me so much today!! I have been reading that book April got me for my birthday. While reading it God completely knocked me off of my feet. You have to read to whole book to truly understand it, to enjoy it. But here is what I have been learning.

“Reading George Mc Donald, several years ago I cam across an astounding thought. “There is in every human heart a pla
ce that only God can fill.” But what the old poet was saying was that there is also a chamber in God himself, into which none can enter but the one, the individual” You were meant to fill a place in the heart of God no one and nothing else can fill. You are the one that overwhelms his heart with just “one glance of your eyes” (Song. 4:9b) You are the one who takes his breath away by your beautiful heart that, against all odds, hopes in him. Let that be true of you.
God wants to live this life together with you, to share in your days, decisions, disappointments, happiness, and heartache. He wants to pour his love into your heart and longs to have your pour your into his. He wants intimace with the real you.
Here’s how the flow goes in Hosea. First God says that he will thwart our efforts to find a life apart from him.

“Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.”

He does this in order to wear us out, get us to turn back to him in thirsty longing. Then he begins to woo us. He often takes us aside from every other source of comfort so that he alone can have our heart’s attention.

There for I am going to allue her;
I will lead her into the desert and speak
tenderly to her there. (Hos. 2:14)”

There it is. I do believe that is the complete reason why I have been experiencing my lack of friendships. “He often takes us aside from every other source of comfort”. You know how I hate silence, how I am terrified of being alone. I have been filling the place that only God can fill with earthly relationships, thinking that they would satisfy my needs. He has taken me completely out of my comfort zone, to a place where I have nothing to hold onto for comfort. He wants me, all of me. I have been to afraid to do that. Do you think I am completely off here? I dont’ think I am.
It goes on to say how in the Bible Jesus calls himself the bridegroom, and the lover of our soul. I need to let him captivate my heart, before anyone else does. I need to delight myself in the Lord, and he will then give me the desires of my heart!! Sorry, I am just really excited right now. I love learning. YOU SO HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK. You know, this kinda ties into my not wanting to date thing too. But that is another email.

I’m home.

I’m with my family.

And I’m Eighteen.

Yes.

I have probably had the worst day ever since I have been here at school. It was truly bad.
But out of it I learned some pretty good things.

I….
learned that the phrase “love thy enemies” means you want the best for your mean professor. That means that you can’t wish for him to fall off a cliff, no matter how mean He is.

learned how wonderful it feels to go to my Father with my troubles, He is all I need.

learned how thankful I am that I did not sign up for flag football, being a Gumdroplet cheerleader for the gumdrops is my job.

learned how much I took my parents for granted growing up.

learned that Arby’s makes everything a lot better.

learned that as much fun college is, it is hard sometimes.

learned that finding that one class that you love makes taking all the others so worth it.

learned that God is faithful, loving, and kind.

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