Senior Year

This week has been truly insane. But such a good insane. The first part of the week was spent unpacking the apartment with my roommates and hugging lots of friends. After we got over the initial shock that our apartment is a total crap-hole, we began to decorate and try to find the best in it despite its sad state. I love my roommates, they are amazing, creative, and beautiful girls. One thing that I love the most about them is that they are not afraid to admit that they have faults. We are all human, and are not afraid to admit that we will have some difficulties living together because we are all selfish and moody. They have also been such a huge help in making our apartment beautiful. Painting, rearranging furniture, and adding plants to our apartment has made it look peaceful and lovely.

It is really nice to come home to a place that I love. Because my days are so busy. I am taking all classes for my major, and it is amazing. I cannot wait to be a teacher. Learning different methods of teaching is so exciting and I cannot wait to use them. When I'm not in class I am organizing the America Reads program while my boss is out of town. She usually handles the program and I help out when needed. But she is out of town for the next three weeks so I am in charge of conducting interviews, booking the rooms for orientation, emailing to make sure we have funding, and so much more. I'm not going to lie, it is so thrilling to sit behind a desk and have freshman sucking up to me because they think I am the one that decides if they get the job.

Personally, I'm staying busy, trying not to think too much through the day. And at night I'm busy ignoring the mocking and heart wrenching dreams of what will never be. 

Sometimes I wish I could flash forward to see what life will be like.

I love Senior year. But it is going to be so hard.

I wish you wouldn't see me as a kid. That really bugs me.

I love the rain.

The End.

Up and Down.

Up: New Hair Cut today. Just got it trimmed and layered a little.

Down: Expensive. :(

Up: Got the beast's (my car) air conditioner fixed!!!!!

Down: It was VERY expensive.

Up: Worked on my life project today.

Down: It was a new section and completely threw me off.

Up: Got to see a few friends today.

Down: I hate that I'm so paranoid now. I wish I could erase last week completely.

Up: New layout for my blog. :)

Down: Feeling really insecure about some personal stuff lately.

Up: Tomorrow is the OBHG Fish Fry.

......Sometimes, I think life would be easier as a Cheetah.

For those who like to keep in touch via email, or if you simply want to write and gush about how awesome I am, this is now where I can be reached: addison.eaton@my.okbu.edu

Apparently they switched over to Gmail, which made my day a little brighter. This way I can check all my email through my Mail App on my iPhone.

I spent most of the day cleaning, doing laundry, and getting school stuff together. It kept my mind busy most of the day, so I stayed away from overthinking things too much. I came to the realization that I am going to look like such a poser when I head back to school. The backpack I'm carrying is my sister's old Vans pink bag. I made the mistake of trying it on while wearing a black shirt, with my black hair, and my nose ring. I looked in the mirror and instantly knew I am going to get made fun of this year.
I am so ready to get back. I need a distraction from the stuff that is going on here. I miss my friends, living in an apartment, and I honestly miss learning. The feeling of being in a classroom full of people that love and appreciate literature the same way you do is amazing. Kendra and I are going to create a work-out schedule, and my roommates and I are messaging over facebook about decoration ideas. I get a hug from my beautiful OCBF in seven days, which I need now more than ever.

As much as I am ready to be back, I'm so going to miss things about home. My family will be a huge one. They can drive me crazy, but I love them still. Its going to be weird to sleep without Eli in my room, because he is most nights. And then there is Amanda. She has been so wonderful, kind, loving, and supportive these past few days and weeks. Next year she will be there with me, but its going to feel weird without her....

....This post is getting lame. I'm not liking where it is going, so I'm going to go watch Doctor Who and head to bed. The End.

P.S. Jesus, would you please send rain? I need its soothing peace so badly right now. 

Are you okay? Are you okay?

I keep hearing that question today.

No, I'm not okay. I am far from okay.

But I will be okay.

Today made the list of one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. My heart hurts so bad that I don't see how it keeps beating. Again, this is a reaffirmation that I should court instead of date. I don't want to ever experience pain like this ever again. I could have sworn he liked me. Maybe he did, but wasn't ready. Maybe he just saw me as a kid. I guess I will never know.

Part of me wishes he would have been a jerk about the whole thing, that way I know I would be able to move on faster. But he wasn't, he was so respectful and kind. I'm not angry at him, I actually respect him even more.
I spent most of the day in tears, praying, and asking God why. Why? Why did we ever meet? I don't know why, I may never know, but I know God has a plan. God is a beautiful and loving Savior, who knows my pain, and loves me and cares for me. I still love my God, so so so much.
I know the promises God has spoken to me. I am trusting him and continue to love him even when it hurts. His timing is perfect, his ways are much greater than mine.

I don't regret ever meeting him. He is in my life for a reason.

Its okay to hurt.

Because I won't feel this way forever.

God and time will make things better.

And then, I will be okay.

because you told me you thought you would end up on here soon....

I love how God minsters to me when I need it most. That I know what God has told me and family, and I am clinging to that promise. I love that God prepares me ahead of time for when things are going to get tough. I love how I find myself praying without even realizing that I am doing it. I love that I am going out in the country to go camping with my dad and sisters tonight. I am looking forward to going out to sit in the darkness and pray. Prayer is such a delight and a peace to me these days. I can't even express how beneficial it is in my life these days.

I love being prayed for by my mom. I love getting hugs from my second mom. I love that people who are special to me read my blog. I love that God provided me money to go buy new jeans that I needed. I love pink and yellow roses. I love the new P.S. I Love You lotion from Bath and Body Works. I love hearing words on encouragement from my little brother. I love Doctor Who episodes on iTunes. I love getting my school textbooks for next semester in the mail. I love Zebra Cakes and cherry Cokes. I love being told that my sister missed me while she was at school. I love the feeling when my heart skips a beat. I love trusting God even when things don't make sense. 

God,

Help me guard my heart.

I'm scared that this might turn out badly, and I might get hurt.

I know your plans are nothing but good.

Help me to not listen to the lies of the evil one, and simply trust that you have it under control.

I love you so much.

Love,

Me

I'm pretty sure:

....that if someone took me out on a date to Chuck E. Cheese, it would be the best date of all.

.....that I like my hair black, regardless of the endless comments I relieve about it being "goth".

...that babysitting is tough because I have this stupid need to be accepted by children under the age of 10.

....that I long to be married.

.....that I am starting to truly see that God's timing is so inexplicably perfect.

....that I am in love with my nose piercing.

.....that hearing a few words of thank you from a friend today on the phone meant the world to me.

.....that I get to have my annual date with the woman whose uterus I came out of. :)

.....that school starts soon and I'm so excited.

"Hey Addi, do you want to go with me to get my lip pierced?"

And that is how it started. Then it turned into, "Hey I might get my nose done if this place is clean". There are very few things in life that are spontaneous.

Ten minutes later I found myself holding my sister's hand tightly and hearing the tattoo artist telling me to take a deep breath. It totally hurt but I am so glad I got it done. Everyone thought I would chicken out, including myself, but it happened, and I am so happy.