Hope

Eight Hours.
I made it for 5 and a half.
I went in with a candle that was burning brightly.
Then the storm came and tried everything in its power to blow out my candle of hope.
The pain, emotional and physical was intense. I've never experienced that type of pain before. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
After being told that I would be awake for my entire heart procedure, my candle slowly started to dim, but it did not go out completely.
The first three hours, I tried to keep my mind busy. I listed facts from my family science class, sang praise songs, and I even wrote a civ paper in my head. I did everything I could to keep myself busy.
The could not reach my heart through the arteries in my legs, so they tried through the one in my shoulder. I could feel the wire weaving its way toward my heart.
Then the does of adrenaline came, and the electric shocks. They tried everything they could to set my heart into an attack, so they could see where it was coming from in my heart. The table began to shake because my heart was beating so fast.
My candle began to flicker in the middle of the storm, but I held on as tightly as I could. I didn't want to be put to sleep, because they would have a harder time curing me if I went under.
A nurse held my hand while another stroked my hair. I sobbed. It wasn't sobs of defeat but sobs of helplessness. I asked a nurse to have my family pray for endurance.
Countless times I found myself praying. But it wasn't me who was putting the words in my mouth. I know without a shadow of a doubt it was the Holy Spirit. I knew so many people were interceding in prayer on my behalf, it gave me courage when I could not hold on any longer.
I have never wanted to die as much as I did then. I begged and pleaded with God to take me, but He didn't. But He did hold me and protected my candle during the storm.
Halfway through hour five I told God I could not make it anymore. It was all in his hands. I remember a nurse giving me a cool cloth as I told her my wishes to be put to sleep.
The next thing I know I am in recovery, with nurses on each side of me. The did not say anything but I still knew. My heart was not cured, it was still very much broken.
The doctor came with a sad voice and sympathetic eyes and told me the team tried everything that they could to fix it, but were unable in the end.
I thought my candle had gone out completely, but much to my surprise, it was still there.
My parents came in with tears in their eyes, they knew too. I could not understand their tears, because I had such a peace inside of me. A peace that passes all understanding.
My mother informed me that so many people came to visit while I was under. Friends, family, and even my professor that I work for at OBU. It meant so much to me.
As I lay in my bed shortly after, my 11 year old brother came and slipped his hand into mine and told me that God had a plan, and that He is still good and still loves me. The depth and love that were in his words blew me away. My brother amazes me so much sometimes.
Although this storm passed I see more coming in my direction. It is all I can do to remain happy and not angry, hopeful and not defeated. God is still good, and this did not take Him by surprise. He does have a plan, it may not be one that I like, but it is His plan regardless.
I am healing, and my family is here for me. There are times where we laugh and smile, and then there are times where they sit and hold my hand while I cry. My family is amazing.

I am still here, broken, but not without hope.

And my candle is softly flickering in the darkness.