Because I Cannot Do It On My Own...

"The almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self – all you wishes and precautions – to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are trying to do instead."
C.S. Lewis

Goodness so much has happened, I don't even know where to start.

This has been a bad week. When I say bad, I mean bad. All of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been boiling inside finally exploded and it wasn't pretty. Its funny, but whenever my mom and I have pivotal, all out arguments or I breakdown, its usually over the phone. I don't even remember how it really started, but she started telling me things I didn't want to hear, and I broke down.
I started sobbing, yelling, and shaking. I told her I was so scared to sleep at night because I was afraid I would not wake up. I hated that I was going through this and how it was affecting my entire life. It wasn't fair. I hated how God was making all this happen. I was mad at God for letting this happen. I thought I wouldn't wake up from my surgery, and if I did I would still feel tired and apathetic. The conversation went on much longer, then the truth finally came out: I am afraid to live.
What?? Afraid to live?? Yes, its true. I didn't realize it until she showed me. Its the reason I get scared when I get close to God. The reason why I never gave God full control of my life. Its why I never really put myself out there in my day to day life. Later that night I went out and lay on the picnic table and watched the stars. I stayed out there for a good hour. He broke me. He stripped away everything that I thought He wanted and left me completely broken and empty.

God, I'm so mad at you, its not fair.
I know, my love. Talk to me.

I hate feeling like this, what do you want from me??
You and only you.

I don't understand your plan.
Most people don't, that is why you need to trust Me.

I'm so scared I won't come out of this alive. I hate that you are putting me through this.
Addi, my darling, my beautiful princess, I have made you for something much greater than this. Why can't you just trust Me? We have been through this time and time again, and I still love you. Look at the stars in the sky, I know each by name. What makes you think that I have overlooked you?? I have such wonderful things planned for you, why can't you let me take control? Do you think I have harm planned for you? I LOVE you. Don't listen to the lies of the evil one, listen to my voice. I know you are scared, but I give peace that passes all understanding. I know your hurt, your pain. I see your tears at night when you think you are alone. I can take all of that if you would just give it to Me. Look at the people who are praying for you. Do you think they are there by chance? No, I put them there. Please my darling, come to Me. Let me protect you. You have nothing to fear from life because I am there, always. Life won't always be easy, I never said it would be. But you do not have to fear the life that has been set before you. Stop living in the shadows, I made you to live brightly. I love you. Let me love you.

~
So now, I go out at night and talk to God. Its our special time where we lay everything out on the table, and I do more listening than talking. I tell Him my thoughts, fears, and voice my anger and frustration. I ask questions and sometimes yell. Then, I listen quietly and hear His words of love.
Now, when I watch the stars I don't feel small or insignificant, but I see them as a blanket of love that He is wrapping me up in. It may seem odd and unorthodox to some, but to me it is real. I have learned to cherish these times. I have a peace now that truly does pass all understanding. I am learning to live without fear. It is in those quiet times that He teaches me. My spiritual summer school. The fear isn't gone always. It likes to sneak up when I least expect it. But now I don't wallow in the fear, I look past it.
This weekend my heart rate was over 150 for 10 hours, and over 135 for 72 hours. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically worn out. It scared me, but it did not take over me. Yes, it was hard to be happy, but I made it through, but not on my own. I had some amazing help.

God and I are far from where we used to be, but we are getting there. We are becoming reacquainted, and falling in love all over again.