Confinement

confinement: to shut or keep in; prevent from leaving a place because of imprisonment, illness, discipline, etc.

I'm not going to lie, being stuck in a chair in a city that I do not consider my home is not very fun. Stupid body, I cannot seem to do anything easy or simply. But, I guess it is better than being stuck in a hospital bed, which was my other option.

Okay God, let me see the good in all of this, cause I'm SO not seeing it.

Jesus,
This dosen't seem fair on my end of things. I'm trying so hard to be hopeful. This is changing everything. I'm not sure if I like that. Can I have that peace that I had a few days ago? Please?
Love,
Addi

Hope

Eight Hours.
I made it for 5 and a half.
I went in with a candle that was burning brightly.
Then the storm came and tried everything in its power to blow out my candle of hope.
The pain, emotional and physical was intense. I've never experienced that type of pain before. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
After being told that I would be awake for my entire heart procedure, my candle slowly started to dim, but it did not go out completely.
The first three hours, I tried to keep my mind busy. I listed facts from my family science class, sang praise songs, and I even wrote a civ paper in my head. I did everything I could to keep myself busy.
The could not reach my heart through the arteries in my legs, so they tried through the one in my shoulder. I could feel the wire weaving its way toward my heart.
Then the does of adrenaline came, and the electric shocks. They tried everything they could to set my heart into an attack, so they could see where it was coming from in my heart. The table began to shake because my heart was beating so fast.
My candle began to flicker in the middle of the storm, but I held on as tightly as I could. I didn't want to be put to sleep, because they would have a harder time curing me if I went under.
A nurse held my hand while another stroked my hair. I sobbed. It wasn't sobs of defeat but sobs of helplessness. I asked a nurse to have my family pray for endurance.
Countless times I found myself praying. But it wasn't me who was putting the words in my mouth. I know without a shadow of a doubt it was the Holy Spirit. I knew so many people were interceding in prayer on my behalf, it gave me courage when I could not hold on any longer.
I have never wanted to die as much as I did then. I begged and pleaded with God to take me, but He didn't. But He did hold me and protected my candle during the storm.
Halfway through hour five I told God I could not make it anymore. It was all in his hands. I remember a nurse giving me a cool cloth as I told her my wishes to be put to sleep.
The next thing I know I am in recovery, with nurses on each side of me. The did not say anything but I still knew. My heart was not cured, it was still very much broken.
The doctor came with a sad voice and sympathetic eyes and told me the team tried everything that they could to fix it, but were unable in the end.
I thought my candle had gone out completely, but much to my surprise, it was still there.
My parents came in with tears in their eyes, they knew too. I could not understand their tears, because I had such a peace inside of me. A peace that passes all understanding.
My mother informed me that so many people came to visit while I was under. Friends, family, and even my professor that I work for at OBU. It meant so much to me.
As I lay in my bed shortly after, my 11 year old brother came and slipped his hand into mine and told me that God had a plan, and that He is still good and still loves me. The depth and love that were in his words blew me away. My brother amazes me so much sometimes.
Although this storm passed I see more coming in my direction. It is all I can do to remain happy and not angry, hopeful and not defeated. God is still good, and this did not take Him by surprise. He does have a plan, it may not be one that I like, but it is His plan regardless.
I am healing, and my family is here for me. There are times where we laugh and smile, and then there are times where they sit and hold my hand while I cry. My family is amazing.

I am still here, broken, but not without hope.

And my candle is softly flickering in the darkness.

72 hours.
3 days till hopefully life changes for me.
72 hours has never seemed so long.

I want to be like that,
where I close my eyes
and throw my head back with laughter
and I step up to dance with You,
my tiny hands in your infinite ones,
my steps so clumsy compared to your grace,
the music begins and we step out onto the floor.
My grip tightens, knowing I will fall,
but also knowing You will guide me,
and the music swells,
roars in my ears
until I am so enraptured that I can't look at anyone but you.
My eyes lock with Yours...and then,
maybe then,
I will not even notice when You turn to one of Your sons
and invite him to take the lead and dance with me.
-Anonymous

Blessings raining from above

I'm so blessed. I am snuggled in bed, the best friend is beside me watching Pretty Woman, and it is raining outside. My Savior has really blessed me with so much, I just have to look for it, because it is always there. Tonight my mom told me that my favorite Aunt and Uncle are driving down from St. Louis to be there when I have my surgery. It amazes me the people that have written emails and letters telling me that they are praying. It truly blows me away.

I have been spending my afternoons babysitting sweet baby Dyson while his mommy works. He is my joy and sunshine on cloudy days. We sometimes spend our evenings outside swinging, which has become one of his favorite things to do. He has two bottom teeth now that makes him look like an upside down beaver when he grins and coos at me.

My favorite Chinese baby, ever. I'm his panda, which is the most amazing job.

Reason #1,230 why I love the Sand Bass Festival:

Friends are fun too:
Best friends are even more amazing......especially when I they love Pretty Woman as much as I do.

Adieu.

Because I Cannot Do It On My Own...

"The almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self – all you wishes and precautions – to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are trying to do instead."
C.S. Lewis

Goodness so much has happened, I don't even know where to start.

This has been a bad week. When I say bad, I mean bad. All of my thoughts, feelings, and emotions that have been boiling inside finally exploded and it wasn't pretty. Its funny, but whenever my mom and I have pivotal, all out arguments or I breakdown, its usually over the phone. I don't even remember how it really started, but she started telling me things I didn't want to hear, and I broke down.
I started sobbing, yelling, and shaking. I told her I was so scared to sleep at night because I was afraid I would not wake up. I hated that I was going through this and how it was affecting my entire life. It wasn't fair. I hated how God was making all this happen. I was mad at God for letting this happen. I thought I wouldn't wake up from my surgery, and if I did I would still feel tired and apathetic. The conversation went on much longer, then the truth finally came out: I am afraid to live.
What?? Afraid to live?? Yes, its true. I didn't realize it until she showed me. Its the reason I get scared when I get close to God. The reason why I never gave God full control of my life. Its why I never really put myself out there in my day to day life. Later that night I went out and lay on the picnic table and watched the stars. I stayed out there for a good hour. He broke me. He stripped away everything that I thought He wanted and left me completely broken and empty.

God, I'm so mad at you, its not fair.
I know, my love. Talk to me.

I hate feeling like this, what do you want from me??
You and only you.

I don't understand your plan.
Most people don't, that is why you need to trust Me.

I'm so scared I won't come out of this alive. I hate that you are putting me through this.
Addi, my darling, my beautiful princess, I have made you for something much greater than this. Why can't you just trust Me? We have been through this time and time again, and I still love you. Look at the stars in the sky, I know each by name. What makes you think that I have overlooked you?? I have such wonderful things planned for you, why can't you let me take control? Do you think I have harm planned for you? I LOVE you. Don't listen to the lies of the evil one, listen to my voice. I know you are scared, but I give peace that passes all understanding. I know your hurt, your pain. I see your tears at night when you think you are alone. I can take all of that if you would just give it to Me. Look at the people who are praying for you. Do you think they are there by chance? No, I put them there. Please my darling, come to Me. Let me protect you. You have nothing to fear from life because I am there, always. Life won't always be easy, I never said it would be. But you do not have to fear the life that has been set before you. Stop living in the shadows, I made you to live brightly. I love you. Let me love you.

~
So now, I go out at night and talk to God. Its our special time where we lay everything out on the table, and I do more listening than talking. I tell Him my thoughts, fears, and voice my anger and frustration. I ask questions and sometimes yell. Then, I listen quietly and hear His words of love.
Now, when I watch the stars I don't feel small or insignificant, but I see them as a blanket of love that He is wrapping me up in. It may seem odd and unorthodox to some, but to me it is real. I have learned to cherish these times. I have a peace now that truly does pass all understanding. I am learning to live without fear. It is in those quiet times that He teaches me. My spiritual summer school. The fear isn't gone always. It likes to sneak up when I least expect it. But now I don't wallow in the fear, I look past it.
This weekend my heart rate was over 150 for 10 hours, and over 135 for 72 hours. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically worn out. It scared me, but it did not take over me. Yes, it was hard to be happy, but I made it through, but not on my own. I had some amazing help.

God and I are far from where we used to be, but we are getting there. We are becoming reacquainted, and falling in love all over again.

a little bit of everything

My age on my next birthday:



My First Job:


My Goal for Next Year:


(its a tie)


My Favourite Colour:



(Also my favourite flower)

Where I Live:

(also known as "The Armpit of Hell")

My Nickname Growing Up:


My Major in College:


and


Place I'd Like to Visit:


A Favourite Thing:


My Favourite Food:


My Favourite Place:


My Pet's Name:


What I want to be doing in 10 years:


and/or