Life is short.

So why spend it uselessly?
I was sitting with my grandma in her rehab room truly seeing her age for the very first time. She is old, and has lived a long life that is about to end. It breaks my heart to see, but I know that it must happen no matter how hard I try to stop it.
My life is going to end someday too. I'm not trying to make this a sad and depressing post. I guess I am trying to say that I have finally realized that I am not invincible. My days are limited, and I shouldn't be wasting them. God did not send me to earth to live a life of frivolity.

Life is too short to:
Laugh too little.
Wish for tomorrow to come.
Not enjoy today.
Play games with silly boys.
Fight over something that won't matter tomorrow.
Not smile just because you feel like it.
Hide how you feel because of fear.


God wants me to live recklessly in His love. When I abide in Him, there is a whole new frontier to explore.

So I've discovered I like polka dots...

Good morning world, or should I say good evening?

It's been a while since I've been around here. I've been busy with summer school, family stuff, and just being blissfully lazy. Its been quite nice. My birthday dress finally came in. That first day I treated it like it was my newborn child, trying it on for anyone and everyone who would pay attention. It is lovely and pink, and I couldn't be happier. I need to take it to get dry cleaned but I am afraid that the cleaners will have this freak accident and my dress will be lost/burnt/incinerated/kidnapped by a jealous fat girl/abducted by aliens and I will never see it again.
Friday we leave for our swanky family vacay. No, not really. We are actually going to my grandparent's 100th anniversary (or something like that), and then onto St. Louis to visit family there. I am looking forward to going to St. Louis, but if I had a choice I would forgo the family gathering at my grandparents. It will truly be a test and a trial to smile and act like I don't know I'm the black sheep and to love all the bitterness that makes up my mother's side of the family. Well, that and to not look at all my snotty cousins and yell "HAHA SUCKERS!!! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE!!!! WHOSE THE BLACK SHEEP NOW???" I'm pretty sure that would not be the Christlike attitude that is necessary in life. Oh gahhh, I just realized my crazy uncle who thinks he is a Native American will be there. I'm not sure if I can handle any more magic karma stones from "Chief Full of Bull". I'm sorry, I realize that this post sounds really hateful, but if you only knew my family then you would give me a hug and buy me a year supply of therapy.

Friends have been coming and going. I've gotten involved with my Sunday School class again at church. The boy is always there, making me swoon and become frustrated all in one. Half the time I find myself irritated and grumpy with him, then he does something that reminds me why I like him in the first place. We can never have a normal conversation without some kind of code/banter and it wears me out. Constantly we play a hot/cold game where he teases me like a little kid in elementary school. I get angry, and then he smiles, and the world stops. (Sorry for the lameness, its late.)
Other things have been keeping me occupied as well. God and I are "cleaning house" so to speak. It has been a tough process, but a much needed one. Every time I sit down to talk to God I feel like I am seeing what a terrible person I am, rather than feeling changed and encouraged. It is frustrating, to say the least, but I am not losing heart. Rather, it has been pushing me forward and I am craving more time with Him. Now, if I could just learn to think and filter before I speak, my life would be grand. My mouth is my greatest weakness and my worst enemy.

I've been clinging to the verse in Proverbs: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths." I'm trusting God with my decisions in life. He is truly the only one that makes sense in this crazy life. His wisdom is astounding, so who am I to try and think I can figure life out? It is so hard sometimes to not lean on my own understanding. But when I trust Him and seek His wisdom everything becomes a little clearer and peaceful.

So with that, I bid you goodnight.

"Come and see, Addi. Come and see all the marvelous things I have planned for us. Trust me in the darkness. Because you have seen my power when you trust in the light."

 Whispers of promises have been spoken in my ear all afternoon. 

I love God.

As mentioned here , I wanted this dress to wear on my 21st birthday. At the time I could not afford it and it became sold out. Saddened, I gave up my dream of the birthday dress.
But this past two weeks I have lost six pounds and my birthday dress dream awakened once more. Tonight, I found the dress that I wanted so badly on ebay in my size and 20% cheaper.

I officially have my birthday dress. :)

Blog, meet "bad hair mistake 2009".

I have so much on my mind.

Past sins are creeping up and haunting me once more.

I've been forgiven, but still, it hurts.

But the only person I need to be talking to right now is my God.

Because only He can see me at my worst and love me all the same.

I know God is real.

But He doesn't feel real to me.

And that scares me because I am becoming apathetic.

"I’m going to make an island, and I’m going to let some people live on it- but there are rules. All the houses will be fairytale cottages, and all the girls wear white dresses and boys wear striped shirts like sailor men. There will be an enormous library and everyone will read all the time and we’ll have an old movie projector stocked with old movies from the 40’s and we’ll screen them every night. People don’t have to watch them- they can also go swimming or watch the fireworks show. Everybody will eat yummy things like milkshakes and gazpacho and warm bread and butter. We will have weekly dances lit by lanterns, and there will a someone for everyone. We will be happy. I know it would be corrupted pretty soon, but the idea is nice, right?"

These past few days have been weird. I've been really reflective and nostalgic and I'm not sure why. I guess it hit me that I am growing up. Time is moving quickly no matter how hard I try to stop it. My pastor said something today in his sermon that really got me thinking. He asked us to think about our obituaries. What would they say? Would it read of a life lived with passion?

I hope so.

I spent an entire lunch talking with my dad about future plans. I need to start deciding what I want to do after graduation. Graduate school? Moscow? Stay at home and teach? Become a rockstar? I keep juggling ideas in my head.

Whatever I do, I want to do it passionately.

I had a dream that you broke my heart. 

That was the worst feeling in the world. 

Please, don't make my dream a reality.