For years I have struggled with my relationship with Christ. I struggled with the rules, and if I failed (which happened often), I quit. Looking back it all seems so silly now. Looking back I see where I bought into all the lies. I've viewed God as a dictator, not a lover. I would strive to give Him my life, to completely surrender. But as I surrendered I floundered under expectations, rules, and guidelines. I could never seem to be able to read my Bible and pray consistently. This made me feel like a failure, so I quit.
I shared with my mom what was going on in my heart. The words came surprisingly easily; I am worn out with everything that is Christianity. I feel like I am living by a set of rules that I cannot measure up to. Later on I had dinner with a dear woman at a restaurant and unexpectedly let out everything that was going on in my heart. I was so worn out and was desperately seeking answers, and I found them.
God dosen't want my rules, my expectations, my guidelines. He was never the one that set them, I was. Love isn't about making sure you read 12.5 passages of scripture a day and pray for at least five minutes in the morning and at mealtimes. If I obeyed these rules then I was able to receive love.
Love isn't a nine to five relationship.
To me, Love is a dance, a dance that surrenders. (Woah, the lights totally brightened when I typed that sentence. No joke.)
Its a constant flow in and through my life. I always saw my relationship with Christ as me carrying Him on my shoulders. But now I see it as my hands in His, letting Him lead my dance. Love has expectancy, but not expectations. God knows the mistakes I will make and He still is in this dance, so why do I beat myself up when I fall? I don't know all the steps in this dance, and that is why He leads. He knows the steps, the turns, and the dips. By my letting Him lead, I am trusting; I am surrendering. Surrender seems to be such a less scarier word when seen with love.
God dosen't want structure, He wants me.
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