Things are starting to look a little better. I went and talked to the school therapist today, and she had a lot of ideas that could help me reduce my stress. My cardiologist is also cutting down the level of my dose of heart med.
In other news I decided to start a photography project called 365. Its where you take one picture of yourself everyday for a year. Yes, I do see the shameless vanity in it, but hey, it will be fun. You can check it out over here. 

I'm about to reach my breaking point. (In a totally non-suicidal way)
My health is getting the better of me and I want to crawl under a table and cry. I called my mom bawling tonight because the side effects of my new heart medicine are awful and making me physically sick. I wish I could just take a break from school, but I can't because of my school loans and health insurance. This whole heart thing is getting so old. I just want a new body, is that too much to ask? I don't even remember what feeling well feels like.
School and EMT-B is overloading me and I don't have time to not feel well. I barely have time to even breathe. Something has got to give, I'm just not sure what.


I am so, so tired.


Note: After 4 advil, 3 chocolate chip cookies, 2 phone calls to my mom, a bubble bath, and watching this video, things are a little better. Life is hard, but sometimes, you can make it better by finding good in the small things.


Warning: it has a little language, but if you can get past it, its pretty funny.

Some final thoughts before I turn myself over to my captives....

Yes, I am making this seem a lot worse than it actually is. I guess I am just not that thrilled about going back because I had a less than stellar experience last time.

But oh.....Heroes, Grey's and The Office all came back on this week, which made my week so much better.

Shoot, our economy may be going to hell in a hand basket, but what is that compared to Jim and Pam? :)

l'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux

Friday through Sunday (hopefully), I will be a princess, locked away in the Cardiology tower of Children's Hospital. I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but hopefully it will produce results. Surprisingly, everything is turning out smoothly. My professor's have been nothing but helpful which is a huge relief, and my roomies said they would come visit too.


A friend lent me her copy of The Little Prince or, in its original format, Le Petit Prince. I now love the book and I know there will be a copy on my children's bookshelves.

"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly;  what is essential is invisible to the eye"

Step Five: Die Slowly

I promise I haven't forgotten you blog. You have just become number 5,602 on my priority list.


I was lucky enough to have a three day weekend this past weekend. It was loverly. Saturday was shopping for the upcoming OBHG Style Show. I showed up with the intention to keep sweet Dyson occupied while Destiny and the others shopped, but as it turns out my help was needed. While shopping, each girl is paired with an adult shopper to keep track of the clothes, the budget, and everything else. Apparently there was a shortage of shoppers so I was paired up with a girl. I'm not going to lie, it felt pretty good to be considered an adult, but the downside was I had no clue what the heck I was doing, and totally felt like a fish out of water. Luckily I was paired with a sweet 16-year old who was completely patient with me while I kept track of the budget and helped her pick out clothes. Unlike most girls, she was pretty easy to shop for. The only colors she cared for were silver, black, and white. Her decision making skills were superb as well. Every item I held up was given a "that's hot" or a "that's so not hot" rating. I did really well up until I made the mistake of holding up a cute polka dot skirt to which I got a "I so don't do circles". I quickly learned from my mistake.

Did I mention that JC Penny, Maurices, and Goody's also gave everyone a 20% discount on every item bought?? After it was over Ray and I so got our shopping on and went crazy. I got some clothes that may not be 'hot', but I like them, so its good.

If I make it through this week, it will be a miracle I tell you. School has my plate more than filled and is actually spilling over. My mom checks in on my every few hours to make sure I haven't died due to stress. Marrying rich and learning to love him is looking more appealing as the days pass. Really.

My mom is also making me take my blood sugar twice a day now. Since she attended her diabetic educational classes, she is all into healthy eating and lifestyle. I swear, she is like the Yoda of diabetes now; crossed legs and everything. I don't mind knowing my blood sugar, but I have to stick my finger every time I do it, which causes me to dance and flinch like a little baby. It is not so bad when I don't know it is coming, but trying to catch yourself by surprise has proved to be quite difficult. Its so ridiculous I'm starting to get on my own nerves.

To top off my marvelous week,  someone hacked into my youtube account and made me a Demi Lavato fan, and apparently wrote all over her page using my screen name. Now I have gotten ten emailes over the past week from all her little 12-year old fans expressing to me their joy and happiness that I am part of Team Demi, and informing me how I can write to different talk shows asking them to please put her on their show. Shoot me, please.

p.s. I'm turning my comments off. Its lame only getting one or two comments a post when I know I have a lot more readers than that. If you want to comment, shoot me an email.  Emails make me a happy girl. I put up a contact sidebar section too.

Whew, life has been busy, but a good busy. I've been giving every spare time studying chemistry and it seems to be coming together.
I made a full lap around campus on my bike. I about died but I was so proud that I made it.

I've been in a writing lull lately. I don't really like writing about how I went to the grocery store or got a letter in the mail, but that is all that seems to come out these days.

Lord, please let me make sense of these beautiful equations. I want to be a rockstar on my Chemistry test, but it is so terribly hard. Please help me be a good steward of my time, and help me learn to focus.

You also know the deeper concerns of my heart. I don't have to voice them here. I place it in your hands. I can only do so much, and you can take care of it completely.


Thank you, thank you, thank you for carrying me through this entire week. I am so amazed at how you worked everything out so simply.

Thank You

God, thank you for meeting my every need this week. You totally blew me away and left me amazed.

Birthday pictures are here.



Prayers would be appreiciated so much right now. School is getting the better of me lately.

Birthydayness

 

I am 20 now. It feels so weird to say that. I don't feel like I should be twenty. My family came up for my birthday and we went to the city and played. (I'll post pictures tomorrow, I'm too tired now.) I didn't really know what I wanted for my birthday, so my parents gave me money instead. So tonight I went with Melissa and I got a bike! It is a Schwinn Comfort and it is amazing. I'm so excited. 

I'll try and post pictures when I get a break. Tomorrow is going to be insane. I have class, work, class, then a forty-five minute break for dinner, then class till 10 tomorrow night. 

It was an amazing birthday and I loved every minute of it. 

Now, I'm going to bed, I am so tired.

Tonight is my very last night as a teenager. How will I be spending it??


In a four hour class.

Gah.

I was talking with a friend tonight about how nice it would be to have a bike to get around campus with. Now, this whole bike business is a risky thing, because there are not a whole lot of bikers in the OBU community. But to me it would be a good investment because my apartment complex sits a good half mile from where all my classes are. Lately I have been driving because of the heat, but when I cools down I would like to save on gas and either walk or bike to class. Its been years since I have had a bike so I have been looking at new ones. I don't want one that is large and clunky, but I don't want it to be sporty either. After looking at many I found the perfect one. It is an Electra Amsterdam Classic 3. It is pretty, functional, and only weighs 35 pounds. Also, it has a skirt guard which helps because I haven't worn pants to class in over a month. The price? It ranges from $500-600. A steep price but if I save for a few months, its doable.

η αγάπη είναι ένας χορός της παράδοσης

For years I have struggled with my relationship with Christ. I struggled with the rules, and if I failed (which happened often), I quit. Looking back it all seems so silly now. Looking back I see where I bought into all the lies. I've viewed God as a dictator, not a lover. I would strive to give Him my life, to completely surrender. But as I surrendered I floundered under expectations, rules, and guidelines. I could never seem to be able to read my Bible and pray consistently. This made me feel like a failure, so I quit.
 I shared with my mom what was going on in my heart. The words came surprisingly easily; I am worn out with everything that is Christianity. I feel like I am living by a set of rules that I cannot measure up to. Later on I had dinner with a dear woman at a restaurant and unexpectedly let out everything that was going on in my heart. I was so worn out and was desperately seeking answers, and I found them.
God dosen't want my rules, my expectations, my guidelines. He was never the one that set them, I was. Love isn't about making sure you read 12.5 passages of scripture a day and pray for at least five minutes in the morning and at mealtimes. If I obeyed these rules then I was able to receive love.

Love isn't a nine to five relationship.

To me, Love is a dance, a dance that surrenders.  (Woah, the lights totally brightened when I typed that sentence. No joke.)

Its a constant flow in and through my life. I always saw my relationship with Christ as me carrying Him on my shoulders. But now I see it as my hands in His, letting Him lead my dance. Love has expectancy, but not expectations. God knows the mistakes I will make and He still is in this dance, so why do I beat myself up when I fall? I don't know all the steps in this dance, and that is why He leads. He knows the steps, the turns, and the dips. By my letting Him lead, I am trusting; I am surrendering. Surrender seems to be such a less scarier word when seen with love.

God dosen't want structure, He wants me.

Tag!

i am: listening to my itunes library
i think: I might take my contacts out
i know: that Chemistry is hard
i want: for it to be monday
i have: a party in my tummy
i wish: that my apartment wouldn't be so dang hot
i hate: my lack of endurance
i miss: sweet Dyson
i fear: drowning and being alone forever
i feel: happy
i hear: my roomie watching a movie
i smell: my febreeze air freshener
i crave: chocolate and caffeine (its that time)
i search: for the truth in everything
i wonder: if I will ever reach my goals
i regret: choices in my past
i love: thunderstorms and snuggling
i ache: for people that are hurting
i care: very little about what people think of me
i always: play with my hair
i am not: going to bed anytime soon
i believe: that I will have a good birthday this year
i dance: quite often when I am alone
i sing: to my brother
i don't always: think before I speak
i fight: taking my medicine
i write: because it helps me process my thoughts
i win: random free drinks from those pop bottle caps
i lose: random stuff
i never: gone to a public school
i confuse: myself
i listen: because I am socially awkward
i can usually be found: reading
i am scared: that my heart will never be fixed
i need: to hear I affirmation quite often
i am happy about: this next week. 






I tag, Melissa, Elizabeth, and whoever else reads this.

Watch out world, because we Oklahomans now have the world's gayest NBA team name.

Freshman Year: 2006


Junior Year: 2008

Not that much has changed.....except I've gained a better fashion taste. What the crap was I thinking with that awful striped shirt??

American History version 2.5

Due to the lack of anything else interesting to write about:

9:50pm Addison: haha, you are really taking this to heat

9:52pm Melissa: I am! I am really hurt, actually.

9:52pm Addison: we should write a letter so our opinion will be heard

9:54pm Addison: old fashioned style in the mail, thats how all serious business is done

9:54pm Melissa: ha. with letters we cut out from magazines.

9:56pm Addison: ooooooooo, the declaration of independence should have totally been written that way

9:56pm Melissa: If only, if only...

9:56pm Addison: I think England would have taken us much more seriously if we had

9:56pm Melissa: I think people would actually know what it said if it was written that way.

9:56pm Addison: true that

10:01pmAddison: annnnd they should have ended it with PEACE

10:01 Melissa: and then they should have drawn a picture of George Washington as a gangster.

10:01pmAddison: throwing up some deuces haha that just made me laugh out loud

10:02pmMelissa: hahaha me too

10:02pmAddison: and then the revolutionary war would have been one giant street fight

10:02pmMelissa: haha, Reds versus Blues

10:02pmAddison: and Arbaham Lincholn would have been shanked instead of shot

10:03pmMelissa: bahahaha, and he would NOT have been at a play, he would have been in the middle of a bar fight.

10:03pmAddison: nope, he would have been at a drag race

10:04pmAddison: I like how we have totally disregarded some of the most important men in history within five minutes

10:04pmMelissa: haha i know. it's great

10:04pmAddison: I'm totally going to blog about it

10:04pmMelissa: fantastic. will you change my name to M-Diddy for protection of the innocent?