Warning: this post is a little emo. 
I am so glad to be at home. I do enjoy being at home, but what God has been teaching me has been hard. At school no one paid attention to me, I was a nobody except to only a small group of people. I was content at being that, it was less pressure to be ?something special? and I am shy, so it worked out. But here I am under a microscope, I am held accountable, I am held to a higher standard. I could say that I hate it, I could say that I just want to be me, but if I said that, that would be wrong. I need to be held accountable?..no matter how hard it is or how much I dislike it.
As much as I hate to think about, I am a little bit of a hypocrite. It makes me so frustrated when I realize I do it.I have insecurities just like the next person, I am no better than anyone else. I hate that I have those insecurities, because they seem so petty, but yet I still have them. I wish I could have confidence in myself and security in Christ. To some extent I do, I am pretty secure in who I am compared to 2 years ago. But there are little things, things that drive me crazy but are still so important, and so dumb.
I have so many plans of who I want to be but thats just what they are; plans. Lately it seems like I will be making up good and sound plans, but I use every unexpected circumstance as an excuse. I?m not going to lie, its hard to change, really hard, but oh so necessary. I guess I should be concerned if I and my relationship with Christ were never changing. There is so much more to this, but I am sleepy and I think I am going to keep it between me and God for a little while.
So to sum it up in a neat reader?s digest sort of way: Who I am hates who I?ve been, and who I want to be is hiding from who I am.
Nothing is ever simple for me, but I am loved by an amazing Savior who has all the patience in the world. And that leaves me feeling comforted.
I am so glad to be at home. I do enjoy being at home, but what God has been teaching me has been hard. At school no one paid attention to me, I was a nobody except to only a small group of people. I was content at being that, it was less pressure to be ?something special? and I am shy, so it worked out. But here I am under a microscope, I am held accountable, I am held to a higher standard. I could say that I hate it, I could say that I just want to be me, but if I said that, that would be wrong. I need to be held accountable?..no matter how hard it is or how much I dislike it.
As much as I hate to think about, I am a little bit of a hypocrite. It makes me so frustrated when I realize I do it.I have insecurities just like the next person, I am no better than anyone else. I hate that I have those insecurities, because they seem so petty, but yet I still have them. I wish I could have confidence in myself and security in Christ. To some extent I do, I am pretty secure in who I am compared to 2 years ago. But there are little things, things that drive me crazy but are still so important, and so dumb.
I have so many plans of who I want to be but thats just what they are; plans. Lately it seems like I will be making up good and sound plans, but I use every unexpected circumstance as an excuse. I?m not going to lie, its hard to change, really hard, but oh so necessary. I guess I should be concerned if I and my relationship with Christ were never changing. There is so much more to this, but I am sleepy and I think I am going to keep it between me and God for a little while.
So to sum it up in a neat reader?s digest sort of way: Who I am hates who I?ve been, and who I want to be is hiding from who I am.
Nothing is ever simple for me, but I am loved by an amazing Savior who has all the patience in the world. And that leaves me feeling comforted.
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